to read this? You’re so boring. I was ashamed, so
I went to therapy to get to the bottom of it.
That’s when it dawned on me that things
weren’t great in our marriage. They never
had been. I had to leave.
MB: That must have been scary.
EH: It was. My son and I went back to
California, and his dad stayed on the East
Coast. Now I’m doing well, but I really
need help figuring out how to have a
healthy relationship. After my separation,
one person I dated had some anger issues.
Once, when we were in bed together, I
asked him what sex meant to him, and he
told me to shut up. When I said that hurt
me, he claimed he was kidding. I knew
I should get out of there, but for some
reason I didn’t.
MB: Did you discuss it with your therapist?
EH: I haven’t had one. I made an
appointment once, but the therapist seemed
dismissive. When I asked whether I could
see someone else, the clinic never returned
my call. And since the divorce, I’ve been
having problems with my insurance—I just
got it back a week ago.
MB: Let’s revisit the situation where you
thought you should leave the guy but didn’t.
How old did you feel?
EH: About 13.
MB: Interesting.
EH: I’m also coming to terms with the fact
that I’m attracted to women as well as men.
I’ve had these feelings for years, but never
had the opportunity to explore them. A
couple of years ago, after the separation,
I had too much to drink and wound up
sleeping with a woman friend of mine.
MB: Is this woman gay and out?EH: Yes. For a long time, I wasn’t sure I was
really bisexual, but now I realize God must
have made me this way for a reason.
MB: When you have sex with a man, do you
drink to feel more comfortable?
EH: No, although sometimes I did before I
was married. But I’ve stopped drinking now.
Alcoholism runs in my family, so I’m careful.
MB: What’s bothering you most at the
moment?
EH: I’m still drawn to people who aren’t
emotionally available. Recently, a guy asked
me out, but I knew he wouldn’t be a good
partner for me, so I turned him down. He’s
very attractive, though, and when he showed
me some attention, my head went spinning.
MB: In that moment, how old did you feel?
EH: I’d have to say around 13 again. Actually,
there’s something else I should bring up. I
experienced some sexual abuse in my
childhood—not with an adult, but with
another girl my age. It started when we were
just 5 and lasted till we were teenagers.
MB: Let’s talk about that, because it’s
probably fundamental to understanding
everything else that’s happened.
EH: Even though she was mean sometimes—
she bossed me around and acted like I was
lucky to hang out with her—we had fun
together. But there was also inappropriate
touching. She’d touch me, or touch herself in
front of me. We never talked about it. For
many years, I thought, How could a girl my
age have done that?
MB: I’ve worked with several people who
have been through something similar. When
a prepubescent child does this, it’s probably
because someone did it to her as well. The
abuse re-creates itself because we all have a
strong drive within us to
speak our secrets. If we can’t
tell our secret, we’re almost
compulsively driven to act it
out. And she was probably
very angry and then
projected that anger onto
you. No wonder you’ve been
confused. You were having
this interaction before you
were old enough to know
what sex was.
EH: Yes, there have been
times when I’ve wondered
whether that’s the root of my
attraction to women. I
haven’t known how to
separate those two things.
MB: You deserve to talk to a
therapist about this. When
you’re abused at such a
young age, it affects your
sexuality and everything
connected to it for the rest
of your life.
EH: In puberty, when I
started to feel sexuallyIT’S BEEN THREE YEARS since Erin
Hearts, 38, and her husband separated. Now
that the divorce is final, she’s living in
Oceanside, California, with their 6-year-old
son and pursuing her longtime dream of
writing a memoir. But there’s one area where
she still feels stuck and confused:
relationships. “I’m drawn to romantic
partners who are emotionally unavailable,”
says Hearts, “and when someone flirts with
me, I find the attention intoxicating, which
makes it hard to relax and be myself.” For
help making a love connection, she called
life coach Martha Beck. Let’s listen in on
their first session.Martha Beck: Erin, it’s so nice to meet you!
Why don’t you start by telling me how you’re
feeling right this minute?
Erin Hearts: Good! I’ve learned a lot about
myself in the past few years. That’s what
eventually led to my divorce.
MB: Tell me more.
EH: We were together on and off since high
school, but I started to realize how unhappy
I was a couple of years after our son was
born. When he napped, I’d try to write,
something I’d always wanted to do, but I was
flooded with negative thoughts: Who’d wantDivorced mom Erin Hearts is in search of
true love. But before she can build a
romantic future, says O life coach Martha
Beck, she’ll need to revisit her past.Sweet
Child of
Mine
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