awakened, I felt attracted to her, but then she
rejected me.
MB: You were about 13?
EH: Yes. Later I found out she’d been doing
the same thing with other girls. I thought I
was special. I felt horrible.
MB: It’s so devastating. This relationship that
imprinted on you sexually became kind of a
love relationship, but at the same time, it
was exploitative and controlling. I’d like you
to read a book called The Courage to Heal by
Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. It’s a classic that
I would recommend to anyone who’s
survived sexual abuse. Did you talk about
this with the therapist you were seeing?
EH: She didn’t ask me much about it.
MB: Wow, that really surprises me. It sounds
like a central trauma.
EH: It feels good to hear you say that.
MB: When you go back to the time the abuse
began, how do you tell the story of that
5-year-old? Was she complying with
something naughty? Was she a victim?
EH: I knew it had to be kept a secret, so I
was ashamed. But I also didn’t want it to
end. It was a source of pleasure that I wasn’t
getting in other places in my life.
MB: What was going on at home that left
such a huge gap in your heart?
EH: Definitely a lack of attention.
MB: Do you have siblings?
EH: One older sister.
MB: So it wasn’t like the house was full of
kids and there was no time for you.
EH: No, but when I was in kindergarten and
my sister was in second grade, she
got in trouble a lot. It was all my
parents talked about, so I tried
to be quiet and stay out of the
way. I was lonely.
MB: You may be thinking,
Oh, everything’s fine; I just
didn’t get a lot of attention. But
even serial killers can’t stand
solitary confinement. We need
people’s eyes on us, and little kids
are completely dependent. Imagine just
putting your son in a corner and ignoring him.
EH: I can’t. Part of why I’m doing this work
is so I can be emotionally present for him.
MB: When you look at him, you can see how
vulnerable a child that age is, and you can
have compassion for the little girl that you
were. You mentioned that the therapist you
saw before seemed dismissive. I suspect you
might have been projecting what happened
to you as a child. You tried to get help, but
deep down you believed Nobody’s going to bethere for me. You’re conditioned to duck your
head and say, “I’m fine.”
EH: I’ve been thinking that I must not ask
for what I need in therapy because it feels
like I’m not being heard.
MB: Imagine your son in that much pain.
Does he deserve to be ignored?
EH: Oh my gosh, no. Of course
not.
MB: We’re not gonna stand
by and let little Erin be
ignored, either. Okay?
EH: Okay.
MB: Let’s start thinking
about getting you a therapist
who specializes in treating
adults who were sexually abused as
children. I know it’s very hard.
EH: I’m ready. I don’t even care about the
dating thing right now; it just feels so good
to be taken seriously.
MB: You’ve come to the right place. Erin,
I’m really hopeful about this.
EH: Thank you. I am, too.
MB: Okay, honey, take care—and let’s check
back in again in a few weeks.MARTHA BECK is the author of, most recently,
Diana, Herself: An Allegory of Awakening.Would you like
to be considered for
a future column? Email
[email protected]
and tell us your story.@OPRAHMAGAZINESEPTEMBER (^201977)