100 – SEPTEMBER 2019
ILLUSTRATIONS BY NICKO PHILLIPS
What is the best food for
eating politely (and quietly)
during a lunch meeting?
—BUSY BEATRICE
I hate so much that we live in a
world where people are so
busy they have to eat in meetings,
talking with their mouths full of
spindly arugula. It disgusts
me, mostly because I want a bite.
What a BUMMER. Work less,
people! But here we are, gathered
around a conference table talking
about “analytics” while you show
us the slimy inside of your mouth.
It brings me great sadness to
share that these are the best foods
to eat during meetings:- A tightly bound turkey wrap
- Soylent bar
- Tray of grocery store sushi
- Bone broth in a coffee mug
- Good-enough grain bowl
- Parfait
Questionable EtiquetteIs It Ever Okay...to Microwave Smelly Vegetables?Solicited advice from Alex Beggs for your next office lunchWho pays when you go out
to lunch with coworkers?
Is it always the person who’s
highest on the food chain?
—BROKE BENNETT
This isn’t a date; you don’t need
to reach for your wallet all
cute. Clearly the senior person
who invited you or scheduled
this meal picks up the check.
When your colleague puts down
a card, gush with thanks and
say something about how nice
it is to eat in a restaurant with
napkins for once. If you’re dining
among poor peers, split it evenly
and then deduct it on your taxes.
Or just do COFFEE, hello!When you’re eating on your
boss’s dime, what do you
order, price-wise? I usually
try to go for the middle-
expensive option.
—MEDIAN-MINDED MICAH
Is steak frites on the menu?
Because if it is, I’m ordering it.
The boss is having whatever the
heck she wants, and so should
you. You think ~$7 matters to The
Company? (Assuming you work
for evil corporate America and
not, like, an elementary school.)
Well, it doesn’t. Let’s get dessert!Am I obligated to speak up
if I feel like my coworker
is eating something that is
potentially unsafe, e.g.,
week-old crab curry?
—CONCERNED CHRISTINA
More like chill out, Christina!
Let her thrive in her curious cubicle
of crab creation. I believe her
lunch is a big bowl of NUNYA.How long is too long for
crab curry to sit in the
office fridge...and then be
eaten at one’s desk?
—GUILTY GERTIE
(Yes, I really got both of these
questions.) Get it together, Gertie!
I also like to push the limits of
expiration, but four days is your
limit on leftover shellfish.Tell the truth: Is it really
so bad to stink up the shared
kitchen by putting roasted
veg (like brussels sprouts) in
the microwave?
—FRAGRANT FRANCINEPeople are sensitive about smelly
lunches, aren’t they? And it comes from
both sides: the self-conscious stinky-
food lover and the nose-crinkled cubicle
mate. We all know that you could just
bring a boring odorless lunch. But your
leftovers, they’re so good! In that case,
eat them somewhere neutral with good
air-flow, like near an open window or in
the stairwell where assistants cry.Can you tell a coworker
that he’s chewing
too loudly at his desk?
—HORRIFIED HENRIETTA
Yeah, that’s a no. Go for a
walk if it bothers you.
Do you have bad manners? Find out by emailing your etiquette questions to [email protected].To order or not to order
drinks at a working lunch?
Is there a line between
having a beer and having
a martini?
—LINEAR LEONARD
Context is everything, but here’s
what is acceptable (and what is
not) at a working lunch:- A PILSNER
- GLASS OF WHITE WINE
- OR HELL, AN APEROL SPRITZ