THE RITUAL THAT
CONNECTS US
much as tucking tasks into unused
minutes in the day. My Irish-immigrant
grandmother, who worked in a grocery
store, would set the table for dinner
before she left for work in the morning.
My friend Sue wakes up an hour before
her kids to do laundry and pay bills so she
isn’t distracted by that when she gets
home. “Luckily, I’m a morning person,”
she says. “Rather than having it be a
drag, it gives me a feeling of control.”
Daisy Dowling, the founder of
Workparent, a coaching firm focused on
working parents, swears by this trick
to avoid getting derailed by your nagging
to-dos: Keep a “got it done” list. Yes, you
actually use spare moments to jot down
all the stuff you’ve already ticked off.
(Sent in book-fair money! Finished work
project!) “It shifts your perspective
from ‘I’m falling down and failing’ to
‘I do—and accomplish—a lot,’ ” says
Dowling. “Taking the list out whenever
you’re feeling overwhelmed can restore
your sense of calm and pride.”
Pull away from your phone.
“Devices really get in the way—they
tempt us to respond immediately when
we should be present with our children,”
says Laurie Santos, Ph.D., professor
of psychology at Yale, who teaches
the university’s most popular course:
Psychology and the Good Life.
Of course, the modern work world
often expects us to be reachable 24/7, and
social media creates a different sort of
obligation: It’s as if all the friends we’ve
ever known are talking at once, sharing
intensely personal, exciting, or troubling
news. How could we not weigh in with
a “sad,” a “love,” or a “wow” emoji or a
personal message? But trying to be there
for everyone, at all hours, can become
a recipe for emotional burnout.
Technology also messes with our
brain in real ways. “Devices can
activate the nonsocial part of the brain
that focuses on stimulation rather
than connection with others,” explains
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., clinical professor
of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine
and author of Aware: The Science and
Practice of Presence. And many kids are
reaching the same conclusion. When a
second-grade teacher in Louisiana
recently asked her class to write about
the invention they wished was never
invented, four of her 21 students said it
was their parents’ phones.
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it
comes to taming tech overload. So much
depends on the ages of your children
and your profession, but more and more
families are implementing no-device
nights and whole weekends off social
media. Other easy ways to get a bit off
the grid: Switch your iPhone to Do Not
Disturb at night and turn off notifications
on your apps. (I did this after getting
pinged with one too many “breaking
news” alerts about Ben Aff leck’s love life.)Tune in to the power
of touch.
What happens when you nuzzle your
face against your baby’s delicious belly?
Or touch heads with your tween as you
read books in bed? “The social circuitry
of the brain is activated—that sense
of being a part of something larger than
yourself,” says Dr. Siegel.
Skin-to-skin contact has been
shown to help premature babies gain
weight faster and ease pain and anxiety
in children of all ages. In fact, a recent
study found that just touching a loved
one’s hand not only reduces stress but
also makes your heart rate and brain
waves sync up. So giving your kids a
quick (or long!) hug when you walk in
the door can actually help you bond
on a physiological level.
And it pays to keep the snuggle time
coming. “I even hug and cuddle with my
17-year-old son,” Dr. Lyubomirsky says.
“Parents often assume their boys don’t
want to be touched once they’re 10 or 11,
but they do want physical affection.”
In my house, my younger son will call for
a group hug and we’ll all come in for a
football-style huddle.
As a working parent, sometimes you
just can’t be there. Serena had a good
excuse, training for Wimbledon and
all—and so do the rest of us. The magic
of loving a child so much is that you
can find milestones in their smallest
moments. (Ooh, her first sideways-
butt-dragging crawl! His first lost front
tooth!) And remember to count your
blessings, says Dr. Lyubomirsky: “In the
big scheme of things, what matters is the
health and happiness of your family.”“We just instituted Friday night as
a device-free family taco
night. No screen time for any of
us unless we’re watching
or playing something together.”
—Melissa Gunning, digital editor;
Alameda, California“Every night before we say our
prayers, my husband and I sing the
‘Skidamarink-a-dink-a-dink’ song
with our 5-year-old and our 2½-year-
old twins. We do the hand gestures
and giggle, and it’s all kinds of fun.”
—Jessica Peavy, veterinarian;
Smithfield, Virginia“I trace scenes from my life on my
11- and 6-year-old daughters’
backs in bed at night to give them
a soothing touch and share
something about my life with them.”
—Kate Rope“My 9-year-old, Tova, and I watch
baking shows together. We also like
to have ‘chitchat’ at bedtime in
which I tell her embarrassing stories
from my childhood and she
opens up about how her day went.”
—Robin Meyerhoff,
corporate communications executive;
Oakland, California“I run with my 7-year-old on weekend
mornings, and it’s great. She
asks me questions the whole time.”
—Dr. Sonja LyubomirskyPARENTS 132 SEPTEMBER 2019
LIFEÑAdvice