Parents – September 2019

IN COLOMBIA, there is a much bigger

focus on discipline. When I was growing

up, “Spare the rod and spoil the child”

was the credo. My siblings, cousins, and

I turned out to be good people, but it

came with some trauma.

When I visited Colombia with my

family last year, many of my cousins

were surprised by my relationship with

my kids. They admired how much

respect I give my children—how I allow

them a long leash to be who they are.

I trust my children and they know it.

Because of this, there is a lot more

laughter, and a lot less micromanaging.

My children know we are the adults,

and that they need to respect what we

say until they are old enough to make

their own, hopefully smart, choices. Still,

we are largely a family of equals. They

know what they say and what they feel

matters—and I believe this is teaching

them that they matter. Wherever they

go, they should show up without fear

and with self-confidence. There is a

place and space for them in this world.

MY KIDS ARE the main

reason I came to America.

I wanted to give my

daughters a good life. Back

home, women are looked at

differently from men. Even

if a woman has a job, she

is not seen as successful.

Here, it’s not the same.

I talk to my daughters

about this all the time. I tell

them to focus in school,

get good grades, and

graduate. In America, your

weapon is your education.

I do worry about them,

though. I sometimes find it

too open here. Girls have

a lot more freedom at age

12 or 13 than they do at

home. I always tell my wife

to keep close to the girls

and never let them grow

afraid of her. I want them to

be able to talk to us about

everything. I want them to

choose their way, but I also

want to help them choose

the right way. I want to make

sure they think with the

brain more than the heart.

I am a Muslim guy, and in

our religion, women are

not supposed to go outside,

show their hair, or talk to

strangers. I am not religious,

but I respect my religion

and my culture. I also

respect other cultures. My

eldest daughters love

gymnastics, and I take them

to class. Back home I would

be shamed for this. They

would not approve of my

daughters’ wearing leotards

in public. But I am okay with

it. When they do something

they love, I feel happy.

Farid Ali-Lancheros

Immigrated from Bogota, Colombia; now lives in

South Orange, New Jersey / DAD TO 7-YEAR-OLD BOY-GIRL TWINS

Firas Al Rawe

Immigrated from Baghdad, Iraq; now lives in

Sterling Heights, Michigan / DAD TO TWO DAUGHTERS,

AGES 13 AND 10, AND ONE SON, AGE 8

WHAT I LIKE most about living here is how well the

school systems work. I volunteer in my kids’ classroom

and get to see how the teachers are teaching. In Brazil,

schools, both public and private, don’t let parents get

involved. You just drop your kids off and that’s it.

You also get to know other parents here. And because

we live in a place with neighborhood schools, we

get to know our neighbors, and the kids play together

outside of school too.

Something else I like: American kids get to be kids

for a longer time. In Brazil, they mature faster—in the

romantic sense. They are more interested in having a

girlfriend or a boyfriend than in playing with friends. My

son has an 8-year-old friend in Brazil who says he has

a girlfriend! Kids there say that word—girlfriend. I like

that this doesn’t happen as fast here.

And in Los Angeles, my boys don’t have to be macho.

My younger son wanted to play with dolls when he

was young, and now he likes to paint his nails blue. I let

him do it and go to school. We don’t tell our boys not to

cry. We want them to be who they want to be.

Larissa Burnier

Immigrated from Passo Fundo, Brazil;

now lives in Beverly Hills

MOM TO TWO SONS, AGES 8 AND 10

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP RIGHT: COURTESY OF THE SUBJECTS (2); ALINE KRAS.

PARENTS 44 SEPTEMBER 2019

KIDSÑVa lues