Section:GDN 12 PaGe:3 Edition Date:190815 Edition:01 Zone: Sent at 14/8/2019 18:04 cYanmaGentaYellowbla
- The Guardian
Thursday 15 August 2019 33
Adrian
Chiles
happily brought both. But the winner
of our inaugural awards has to be
the Ocado driver who stepped in to
investigate a burglary after police
refused to do so. Bethany and Paul
Eaton were on holiday in Dubai this
month when they received a call from
their childminder to say the back door
of their home in Chislehurst, south-
east London, had been smashed in
and the house burgled. A neighbour
called the police but they refused to
attend, and it was left to a passing
Ocado driver to check whether the
burglar was still in the house and
what had been taken. The police
will now presumably reciprocate by
nipping round with their groceries.
What seems to be happening
is that, as public services get
hollowed out, the growing legion
of delivery drivers are being forced
to fi ll the gap. So don’t be quite so
dismissive when you next have to
go hunting in the rubbish for your
Amazon package.
Stephen MossFinally! I share
something
with David
Schwimmer
I
am in my mum’s country, Croatia, on the island of Murter.
It was here, a good 45 years ago, that I was fi rst unsettled
by money matters. Back then, it was the Socialist Federal
Republic of Yugoslavia. There were market stalls in the
village selling old-school tourist tat, carvings, embroidered
cloths and so on. I was around seven years old and holding
my mum’s hand as she pointed at a wooden donkey. She asked the
bloke: “How much?” He gave her the price and, here’s the thing,
she shook her head and said: “Ne.” Huh? What did she mean, no?
I squinted up at her, appalled. But the old chap didn’t seem to
mind and an agreement was soon reached for her to purchase
said donkey for about half the original asking price.
This, my fi rst exposure to bartering or haggling or whatever
you want to call it, straightforward as it was, seems to have scarred
me for life. I cannot bear the process and I am consequently
hopeless at it. To me, it strikes at the very heart of trust and integrity.
If a bloke off ers me a wooden donkey – they’re still there – for 100
kuna, and I then off er him, say, 50 kuna, that seems to me to be the
height of rudeness. It feels as if I’m saying to him : “O K, you cheat,
you’re trying to sell me something worth half what you’re trying to
get out of me.” I always feel I might be punched or sworn at, but all the
evidence is that people don’t mind at all. If and when they do drop
the price to 50 kuna, it actually makes me quite angry. It turns out
they were, after all, trying to sell me something for double its worth.
How dare they?
Only this week I decided I wanted to take my girls to Plitvice,
Croatia’s lake district, for a couple of days. A friend of mine
recommended a hotel and told them to expect my call. They off ered
me a big room for two nights at a 20% discount. I was thrilled, until
I saw this discounted price, which was eyewatering. I then checked
the hotel’s website and saw the price on there was actually lower
than the one they had quoted me, “discount” included. And, even
better, the booking.com price was even lower than that. In a huff ,
I told them I wasn’t coming. When they asked why, I told them.
And now I’m getting a 20% discount on the lowest booking.com
price. It gives me no pleasure. I dislike them greatly for what they
tried to do to me.
And obviously it is not just Croats – far from it. Back home,
I have a friend for whom every major retail name is fair game
for a haggle, but my issue is with professional advice:
in my experience, lawyers, accountants, estate
agents, builders and just about everyone else
are hard at it. It is the way business seems to work.
It depresses me. Why can’t there just be an
honest price you have to pay? Is this what
capitalism is all about, everybody trying
to shaft everyone else? Or is this haggling
the lubricant that helps capitalism to
function (or not, as the case may be)? I’ll
pay the asking price for a wooden donkey
and bring it home for whoever can give me
an answer.I don’t think Millwall fans are generally any worse than
fans of other clubs. But on Saturday, walking towards
West Brom’s ground, a small posse of them surrounded
me, jovial-like. One of them, a big lad, smiling, grabbed
me by the shoulder with one hand and pulled me
towards him. With his other hand he made a fi st, the
thumb-end of which he ground into my stomach for
several seconds. His face was very close to mine. “Do
him!” laughed one of his crew. There was no stabbing,
though; he was pretending. It was just banter, a bit of fun.The Sun ran a story this week about
a man police want a chat with in
connection with some burglaries.
Apparently, many people have
pointed out on social media that
the gentleman in question bears a
resemblance to me. I feel a bit sorry
for him. I suspect it is inconvenient
enough being a wanted man without
being widely judged to look like me.
At least the chap caught on CCTV
last year in Blackpool robbing some
booze looked like a proper A-lister,
David Schwimmer. This particular
master criminal must be very hurt
indeed to look only like little old me.
People often seem to see me in
others; it can be quite dispiriting
for all concerned. Typically, I’ll be
outside a football ground or in some
other crowded place. Someone will
approach me and say they have a
mate who looks “the image” of me.
At which point, either a photograph
will be produced or, more than once,
the doppelganger himself will be
fetched and come shambling into
view. It is always the same: he will
be, in my eyes, much heavier than
me, with an even chubbier face, and
generally more unattractive. And,
what’s worse, I’ll look into his eyes
and understand that he is thinking
exactly the same about me. We will
be photographed together and walk
away, never to see each other again,
united in disappointment.
And then there is the Ray Mears
problem. As with my larcenous
lookalike, I’m often mistaken for
him. “Oh,” someone will say. “I love
your programmes.”
“Why thank you,” I reply.
Then they say something about
eating bugs or bark or bears or
whatever, and my heart sinks. Many
times I’ve even signed myself Ray
Mears; I didn’t want to disappoint.
I once asked the man himself if he
was ever mistaken for me, and asked
about West Brom or something.
“No,” he said, sounding relieved.I hate haggling. Why
can’t people charge
an honest price?
Joking about
knife crime?
Sorry if I’m
not laughing
Say
what?Motorists,
cyclists and
businesses
complain about
potholes in the
UK’s roads every
45 seconds,
according
to statistics
secured by the
Federation
of Small
Businesses. In
total, almost
700,000 road
defects were
reported
COVER: LINDA NYLIND/THE GUARDIAN. THIS PAGE: MTV/PAlast year.
improving activities such as exercise
and meditation. The schedule of
the actor Mark Wahlberg created
much excitement online last year;
he claims to rise at 2.30am to pray,
then exercise. In an interview earlier
this year the singer Belinda Carlisle
revealed herself to be an “extreme
lark”: “I get up at 4am, have a coff ee,
then put on my Audible app and
listen to a great spiritual teacher.”
At the 24-hour PureGym chain,
says CEO Humphrey Cobbold: “We’ll
get 50 to 60 people in between about
2am and 6am.” Some will be shift
workers, but many will have arranged
an earlier start to their day which
means they can leave work earlier.
“They’re typically people who work
in busy offi ces. They work out, grab a
breakfast and are at their desk by 7am.
People organise their days around
that sort of schedule if it suits them.”
Anything past 6am “is a lie-in”,
says Erica Wolfe-Murray, a business
consultant and author of Simple
Tips Smart Ideas. She wakes around
4.45am. “I can get so much done, I
have huge clarity of thought and my
book was largely written in bed from
4.30am,” she says. “I’d do two hours’
writing, then get up and go to circuit
training, or in summer go for a walk.”
For Amir Khan, a GP who appears
on Channel 5 ’s GPs: Behind Closed
Doors, his day begins at 4.50am.
He does a six- to nine-mile run,
and looks out for wildlife. “ At this
time of year I see rabbits and deer,
hedgehogs and badgers. It’s a lovely
time of the day and it feels like it’s all
yours – it’s special.”
Emine Sanergreatly for what theym it. Back home,
ame is fair game
l advice: : :: ::
tework.Hagg ling heroes
... Del Boy and
Rodney in Only
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