M
y boyfriend is a
charmer, the kind
of guy everyone
gravitates towards at
parties, with an arsenal
of great anecdotes.
But when we get home,
I see a dark side to him
nobody else does. We’ve
been together a few
years, and at first it was
just stupid arguments,
him slamming doors as
he stormed off. But last
week, he took a swipe at
me, and I fell back into
the kitchen cupboard.
I’m scared this is only
the beginning and he’s
going to get violent
again. But I love him
- please don’t just tell
me to leave him.
Paula, Manchester
You are begging me not
to tell you to leave this
violent man because
you know I will and you
know you must. Experts
on domestic assaults will
confirm that if he has hit
you once, there is a high
probability that he will do
it again. His behaviour is
deliberate. He carefully
paints a public picture
of himself as a loveable,
fun bloke, then gets you
behind closed doors and
displays a sinister and
entirely different side to his
character. Unfortunately,
I don’t think this will be a
one-off. I am concerned for
your safety. Please call the
24-hour National Domestic
Violence Freephone
Helpline on 0808 2000
247 and talk this through
with people who can help
you extricate yourself
from this dangerous
relationship. Do it now!
a
T
hree^ years^ ago,^ I^ lost^ my^ husband
in a^ car^ accident^ and^
since^ then,^ my^ life^ has^ become^ in
creasingly^ difficult.^
It was^ always^ him^ and^ me^ agains
t the world.^ We^ did^
everything^ together.^ We^ were^ ne
ver able^ to^ have^ children,^
and^ I^ wish^ I^ could^ share^ this^ pain
with^ someone^ who^ misses^
him^ like^ I^ do.^ My^ coping^ mechani
sm has^ become^ alcohol.^
I’m^ drinking^ every^ day,^ and^ I’m^ w
orried.^ It^ numbs^ the^ pain^
- but^ I^ hide^ my^ habit.^ I^ feel^ sad^ a
nd ashamed.
Olivia,^ Essex
MANDY^ SAYS:
I’m^ so^ sorry^ you^ lost^ your^ husband^ in^ s
uch a^ tragic^ way.^ It^ makes^
grieving^ so^ much^ harder.^ You^ were^ rea
lly close^ to^ him^ and^ now^ alcohol^
has^ taken^ up^ that^ space.^ We^ must^ focu
s on both^ the^ loss^ and^ the^ drink.^
In^ grieving,^ you^ will^ accept^ your^ los
s and learn^ to^ let^ go^ so^ that^ your^
loved^ one^ becomes^ a^ memory.^ Many^ p
eople^ resist^ grieving^ for^ this^
very^ reason.^ Staying^ in^ the^ pain^ of^ the
loss can^ make^ you^ feel^ as^ if^ that^
person^ is^ still^ close^ to^ you.^ Whatever^ I
say may^ sound^ as^ if^ there^ are^
just^ some^ easy^ steps^ for^ you^ to^ follow,
as if I^ have^ no^ appreciation^ of^
the^ pain^ you^ are^ in.^ But^ I^ encourage^ yo
u to allow^ yourself^ to^ face^ the^
pain^ and^ grieve,^ so^ that^ you^ can^ let^ go^
and live^ again^ fully^ yourself.
Alcohol^ is^ robbing^ you^ of^ the^ grievin
g process^ that^ might^ in^ time^
allow^ you^ to^ feel^ happy^ for^ the^ times^ t
hat you^ did^ have^ with^ your^
husband.^ This^ might^ feel^ impossible^ t
o you now^ as^ you^ try^ to^ numb^ the^
pain,^ but^ it’s^ not^ working,^ as^ it’s^ makin
g you^ feel^ ashamed^ and^ isolated.
But^ it’s^ really^ important^ you^ seek^ th
e advice^ of^ your^ GP^ before^
suddenly^ stopping^ drinking,^ as^ it^ can^ b
e a dangerous^ detox^ to^ go^
through.^ Once^ you^ remove^ the^ alcoho
l, the feelings^ are^ going^ to^
come^ up,^ and^ it’s^ these^ feelings^ that^ I^
encourage^ you^ to^ embrace.
One^ of^ the^ joys^ of^ really^ connecting
with someone^ is^ that^ feeling^ of^
extraordinary^ closeness.^ And^ one^ of^ t
he risks^ is^ that^ if^ you^ lose^ one^
another,^ the^ loneliness^ can^ feel^ unbea
rable.^ But^ you^ can^ bear^ it,^
and^ you^ will.^ Cherishing^ your^ relation
ship happens^ by^ honouring^
it through^ the^ grieving^ process^ and^ le
tting the^ memories^ live^ in^ you,^
so that^ your^ life^ is^ better^ for^ having^ kn
own your^ husband.^ Ask^ your^
GP^ for^ a^ referral^ to^ a^ therapist^ to^ help
you through^ the^ early^ stages.
Write^ a^ weekly^ plan^ that^ gives^ you^
something^ to^ achieve^ each^ day^
and^ someone^ to^ meet^ and^ connect^ wi
th – as^ well^ as^ the^ space^ and^
time^ for^ yourself^ with^ your^ husband’s
memory.^ Create^ a^ space^ in^ your^
home^ for^ a^ photo,^ a^ candle^ and^ a^ spec
ial item^ so^ that^ each^ morning^ you^
dedicate^10 minutes^ to^ connecting^ wi
th his^ memory^ before^ taking^ a^
deep^ breath^ and^ letting^ go.^ Do^ the^ sam
e at the^ end^ of^ the^ day.^ Talk^ to^
your^ husband^ about^ what’s^ gone^ on^ a
nd allow^ yourself^ to^ be^ happy.^ It’s^
not^ a^ betrayal^ of^ your^ relationship^ for
you to^ be^ alive^ and^ want^
to be^ happy^ –^ in^ fact,^ it^ honours^ it.
O Got a problem you’d like Mandy to answer?
Email her at [email protected].
Therapist Mandy Saligari, from Channel
5 show In Therapy, is an addiction,
parenting and relationship expert.
On the
couch
with
Mandy...
M
and
y^ x
See mandysaligari.com
SCARED OF MY MAN
LOST^ IN^ GRIEF