94 COSMOPOLITAN AUGUST 2019 FOR MORE GREAT STORIES, VISIT COSMO.INlove & lust
FOR MORE GREAT STORIES, VISIT COSMO.INBy
:ANNA^ MADERIS^MILLER;Ph
otograph
s:^
SUSHANT^ CHHABRIA“DEAR FACEBOOK,
STOP SHOWING
ME PHOTOS OF
MY EX”
Your algorithm is smart enough
to know I dumped him, so...?T
he
day I
learned
how
sausage gets made
(literally, I was in a
cooking class with
my then-partner)
should have been a
great memory for a
city girl like me who
spends birthdays
washing down pizza
with beer. But that
night also marked
the end of my longest
relationship. (Turns
out, the meat and
spices mixed better
than he and I
ever did.)
More than three
years later, Facebook
still serves me an ‘on
this day’ flashback
of the occasion—as if
I need a reminder of
the night my sexual
sausage count went
from one to zero.
Why does the same
social network that
suggests I ‘Friend’
a future colleague
before I even change
jobs not understand
that I’d rather
smash my iPhonescreen than see that
picture? Finding
a gut-wrenching
memory like this
on an otherwise
innocuous feed is the
digital equivalent of
a roommate taping
a picture of you and
your ex to your door
while you’re busy
crushing a workout.
One moment you’re
on an endorphin
high, then bam!
All that negative
energy you just sweat
out punches you in
the face.
I swear I’m not
bitter...I’m just, well,
right. Research
shows that people
who Facebook-stalk
their exes have a
tougher time moving
on than those who
don’t. Logic suggests
that the same
recovery lag time
exists when those
photos are stalking
you instead.
It’s annoying and
a serious blow to
your mood. And
for people healing
from traumaticrelationships, it
can be downright
damaging, says
Rachel Wright, a
therapist in New
York Cit y. She ha s
post-breakup clients
bring in old pictures
so she can help them
process, trash the
photos, and move
on. “But if social
media then shoves
these memories in
a person’s face, can
you imagine how
challenging that
would be?”
An algorithm can’t
ever know the full
story between two
people. Lucky for
me, then, that a tech-
savvy friend showedme how to filter
memories by person
or date—or even
just turn them off.
(Click ‘Memories’,
then set notifications
to ‘none’. You’re
welcome.)
Even still, I
refused to let
nostalgia get the
best of me. (I know
plenty who can’t say
the same. I see you,
backsliders, and I
don’t blame you.)
Instead, I logged
out of FB and into
a dating app. I’m
now engaged to the
second guy I went
out with. So, okay, I’ll
admit it: not every
algorithm is evil. QUnwelcome blasts
from the past...
“The other day,
a pic came up of a trip
I went on nine years
ago with the ex who
shattered my heart. I
still felt a twinge
of pain.”
—MEERA K., 32“After my
engagement ended, I
saw a memory of me
and my ex-fiancé at
an annual event that I
know I will never attend
again. I was trying to
be positive, but seeing
that photo was like
adding insult to injury.”
—ALIA M., 34“There’s nothing worse
than opening Facebook
and seeing a memory
from my divorce. The
outfit I was wearing,
the bar I was standing
in front of with a group
of girlfriends...it brings
back insta-sadness
and a flashback to how
scared I felt at that
time in my life.”
—SANAH R., 31“