51
Daily Mail, Monday, August 12, 2019Secret of a happy marriage? Don’t
lose £60k by ignoring the missus
WRONG TURN OF THE WEEKEND:
We love Poldark (BBC1) for its
clifftop gallops and wild Cornish
seas. When Master Ross departs
for London, as he has done yet
again, the serial loses all its
romance. Forget the boring
capital, bring our Cap’n home.A
S A cub reporter,
aeons ago, it was
my job to interview
couples in the Vale
of evesham on
their golden wedding anni-
versaries and beg them to
disclose the secret of their
happy marriage.
If you don’t want to wait 50 years,
I’ll tell you now: the key is a
foolproof system of silent signals to
prevent a husband from doing
anything stupid.
The simplest, and the one my
wife uses on me, is a tap on the
shoulder. If I’m talking too much,
or about to buy something I
shouldn’t, or on the brink of any
other blunder, I get two firm pats
on the clavicle.
Signal received: shut up.
Young marrieds Jack and Aneisha
had not perfected the technique
before they appeared on Dragons’
Den (BBC2) and it cost them
dear. A jab to the upper arm
might have prevented Jack from
blowing £60,000.
The couple were trying to raise
funding for their posh pet food
business, Scrumbles, after sinking
£130,000 of their own cash in to the
venture. They’d brought their little
dog, who gloried in the name
Smudgy Whitesocks, to win the
Dragons over, and it all seemed to
be going so well.
After a long interrogation,
Deborah Meaden, well-known forher love of animals, was ready to
invest her 60 grand. But when
Deborah did what the bank-rollers
always do on this show, and
demanded a bigger slice of the
business, Jack turned her down.
As the couple left empty-
handed, Aneisha was reeling. ‘I’m
a little bit speechless,’ she
whispered. ‘I thought you were
going to say yes.’
‘Those secret signals,’ Jack
admitted, ‘they didn’t quite work.’
Take it from me, subtle signs and
tactful hints never do. What we
chaps require, to stop us from
putting a hoof in it, is a good solid
whack on the shoulder.
Miscommunications aside, this
was a solid return for a format
that looked all but exhausted two
years ago. A selection of intriguing
products were on offer — such as
tanning cream with built-in sun
protection, which seems so obvious
it’s a marvel no one has thought of
it before.
The show can get stale quickly if
every pitch either succeeds or
collapses. We need the added
excitement of a third possibility,
the meltdown — and this time itDragons’ Den HHHHI The Queen’s Lost Family HHIII
CHRISTOPHER
STEVENS
WEEKEND TV
came from a former pub land-
lord called Paul who made his
entrance with a heavy metal
band, to promote a brand of
spiced rum.
Paul proved to have a rock
star’s touchiness, too, and got so
stroppy with the Dragons that
he practically called them a load
of preening show-offs with egos
as big as their bank balances.Which they are, of course. But it
doesn’t do to say so.
All this fun made up for the
disappointment of The Queen’s
Lost Family (C4).
The first in a three-part history
series, it promised to reveal her
Majesty’s regal aunts and uncles
in a whole new light, thanks to a
cache of deeply personal letters
that have been unseen for 90years. The correspondence
belonged to Princess Mary, the
younger sister of edward VIII
and the Queen’s father, George VI.
Sadly most of it was duller than
garden party small-talk.
The documentary focused on
petty scandals (such as another
uncle’s penchant for nightclubs
and guardsmen) while shedding
no fresh light on the really
interesting stuff.
Passages highlighted in the
letters suggested, for instance,
that edward VIII, when he was
Prince of Wales, had little
time for the problems of the
working classes.
Since he would later become a
big fan of Adolf hitler, that’s
hardly a surprise.TELEVISION
Cordrey, in which the florist describes how
he perfected a method of stopping trains.FILM CHOICES
Killer In Law, 2.15pm, Ch5
NANA VISITOR (of Star Trek: Deep Space
Nine fame) is the grandma with grisly
intentions in this TV-movie thriller. When
she comes to stay with her son and his wife,
granny soon makes herself indispensable
by dispensing with the nanny — and
draws up plans for her granddaughter.Dead Calm, 11.15pm, Paramount
NICOLE KIDMAN
and Sam Neill are
the couple taking
a stricken sailor
on to their yacht
— and living to
regret their act
of kindness — in
Phillip Noyce’s
suspenseful
nautical thriller.
Billy Zane (pictured with Kidman) plays the
handsome yet psychotic stranger. (Freeview
54, Freesat 132, Sky 153, Virgin 188)p,ed with Kidman) plays theCHANNEL 5
6.00 Milkshake! Peppa Pig (R,HD) 6.15 Ben
and Holly’s Little Kingdom (R) 6.30 Olly the
Little White Van (R,HD) 6.35 Noddy: Toyland
Detective (R,HD) 6.45 Fireman Sam (R,HD)
6.55 Thomas & Friends: Big World! Big
Adventures! (R,HD) 7.05 Shane the Chef (R,HD)
7.20 Peppa Pig (HD) 7.30 Peppa Pig (R,HD)
7.40 Top Wing (R,HD) 7. 5 5 Paw Patrol (R,HD)
8.05 Digby Dragon (R,HD) 8.20 Little Princess
(R,HD) 8.40 Shimmer and Shine (R,HD) 8.55
Floogals (R,HD) 9.10 Sunny Bunnies (HD)
9.15 Jeremy Vine (HD)
11.15 GPs: Behind Closed Doors (R,HD)
12.10 5 News Lunchtime (HD)
12.15 GPs: Behind Closed Doors (R,HD)
1.10 Access (HD)
1.15 Home and Away (AD,HD)
1.45 Neighbours (AD,HD)
2.15 Killer in Law (2019) (PG) ● (HD)
Premiere. A woman invites her
mother-in-law to live with her
family, but realises she is unhinged.
Thriller, starring Kelly Sullivan.
See Critics’ Choice.
4.00 Friends (R,HD) Joey learns
something interesting about Monica.
4.30 Friends (R,HD)
5.00 5 News (HD)
5.30 Neighbours (AD,R,HD)
Pierce regrets letting Chloe go.
6.00 Home and Away (AD,R,HD)
Dean is conflicted about Rick.
6.30 5 News Tonight (HD)7.00 Intercity 125: The Train
That Changed Britain (R,HD)
Part one of two. Documentary
examining the high-speed train.
(Followed by 5 News Update)8.00 Traffic Cops (HD) Sgt Matt heads a
team in pursuit of a teenage driver
transporting stolen goods in a
7.5-ton truck, with the desperate
youth ramming three police cars.
(Followed by 5 News Update)9.00 The Secret World of Your
Rubbish (HD) Workers at Crapper
& Sons Landfill salvage what they
can from the mountains of plastic
brought in every month, while
10,000 tons of compost is sold
to local farmers every year.10.00 Eaten By an Escalator: When
Machines Bite Back (HD) A look
at calamities involving the moving
staircases, hearing from those
who have been victims of
accidents, as well as assessing
the safety of these machines.11.05 Police Code Zero: Officer
Under Attack (R,HD) Exploring
the rising number of assaults
on police officers, revealing
what they face in the line of
duty and the emotional toll
these incidents take.12.05 Prison Life: Raw & Real (R,HD) 1.00
21.co.uk Live Casino Show (HD) 3.00
Access (HD) 3.10 Gotham: Wrath of
the Villains (AD,R,HD) 4.00 The Special
Needs Hotel (R,HD) 4.25 Tattoo
Disasters UK (BSL,R,HD) 4.45 House
Doctor (BSL,R) 5.10 Great Artists
(BSL,R) 5.35 Wildlife SOS (BSL,R)(^) ▲ Particularly liable to offend
WELSH TV VARIATIONS
BBC1: 1.30pm BBC Wales Today; Weather.
6.30 BBC Wales Today; Weather. 10.25 BBC
Wales Today; Weather.
ITV: 10.45pm The Best Little Prison in Britain?
The friendship between one of the prison officers
and an inmate. 11.15 Rescue: River Deep, Mountain
High. Rescue efforts across the British Isles.
11.45 Neighbours from Hell: Caught on Camera.
S4C: 6.00am Cyw. 12noon Newyddion S4C a’r
Tywydd. 12.05 Ward Plant. 12.30 Bardd Yng
Ngwlad Y Beirdd. 1.30 Taith Fawr y Dyn Bach.
2.00 Newyddion S4C a’r Tywydd. 2.05 Prynhawn
Da. 3.00 Newyddion S4C a’r Tywydd. 3.05 Trysorau’r
Teulu. 4.00 Awr Fawr: Bing. 4.10 Awr Fawr:
Rapsgaliwn. 4.25 Awr Fawr: Cymylaubychain. 4.35
Awr Fawr: Guto Gwningen. 4.50 Awr Fawr: Oli Wyn.
5.00 Stwnsh. 6.00 Newyddion S4C a’r Tywydd. 6.05
Y Wal. 7.00 Heno. 8.00 Pobol y Cwm. 8.25 Adre.
8.55 Chwedloni: Cwpan Rybgi’r Byd. 9.00 Newyddion
9 a’r Tywydd. 9.30 Byth Rhy Hen. 10.00 Codi Pac.
10.30 Traed Lan. 11.00 Bad Achub Porthdinllaen.
FILM
CHOICE