Daily Mail, Saturday, August 17, 2019 Page 43DO YOU ever become tired of
too much stuff? Wanting
mascara, I went to Boots as
usual, but walked away empty-
handed. There were so many
mascaras, all promising
different miracles, that I lost
interest and gave up.
I spend little on cosmet-
ics ... but then, I’m from that
generation which remembers
mascara in only one form: a
little block with a brush.
The technique could be
summed up as ‘spit–rub-daub’
— and honestly, it did us just fine.
Eyeliner was the same. I can only
remember there being one type
of lipstick, instead of the myriad
ones on display these days — a
multi-coloured arsenal of magic
bullets. Who needs them all?
My gorgeous mother used
Ponds cream and Crème Puff and
I can remember the subtle
fragrances — like the Evening In
Paris scent which seemed the
height of sophistication to a little
girl in the Fifties, those easily
pleased days when bath cubes
were an exciting present.
Yes, they were simpler times,
and I refuse to believe the
human spirit was stunted by
having fewer products to
choose from. We weren’t
endlessly browbeaten by
manufacturers telling seduc-
tive lies about wrinkles, but
made do and were grateful.
Forgive this sudden upsurge
of nostalgia. I was ‘triggered’
by damn mascara!
But it’s a melancholy truth that
many young women today seem
to want nothing more than to
achieve big brows, silly trout-
pouts, heavily ‘contoured’ faces,
glowering eye-make up and
tumbling hair — exactly like
every reality TV wannabe. Their
world of choice has turned them
into identikit Stepford chicks.
Believe me, I’m not anti-
choice. How could I be, when I
remember the empty shelves
of Russia and Romania? Yet
when I think of all the resources
that go into making yet more
shampoos and shower gels — all
in plastic bottles, all doing the
same job — I feel gloomy.
We don’t need it all — and it’s
the greedy assumption that we
do that stunts the soul.This caked-on
choice makes
me so gloomy
Should I
give up my
freedom to
be near my
grandkids?
Y
our uncut email gave
many details I’ve omitted
— and left me feeling
terribly sad as well as
rather helpless.
I think there are many marriages like
yours, where one person feels intolerably
trapped and can see no way out. In such
circumstances the advice I might give —
going for couple counselling — is point-
less. How could you get a man like that to
agree when he sees nothing wrong?
All the counselling you have had in the
past served only to convince you this
marriage is a prison and you are doomed
to remain incarcerated.
The first response to your story is that
you should put the house on the market
and buy something for yourself with your
half of the money. But that’s not going to
happen, is it? Your husband is older and
I suspect you would never leave — no,
not even if a billionaire came along and
offered you the necessary funds.
At this stage you are locked into your
depression. Your suicidal thoughts,
triggered by your beloved daughter’s
plans, are very worrying. You can call the
Samaritans (free of charge) day or night
on 116 123. or pour out your feelings in
an email to [email protected] if that
feels easier.
It’s clear your daughter’s news has
triggered a much worse onset of yourhabitual depression. Do you have
savings? Can you visit her? It’s a long
way but surely you need to talk to her
and see those grandchildren? You have
been very close; now is the time to use
that emotional connection and be honest
with her about how you are feeling.
I think you should book a plane ticket
and present it to your husband as a fait
accompli... telling him you are very down
and need the trip. He will fuss (after all,
he’ll be losing his domestic slave) but you
must stand up for yourself.
Why not go to your GP and ask for
treatment for depression?
People can, and do, make new starts in
later life. There’s no doubt it would have
been better had you walked away from
the marriage after your daughter was
born (an event to which he was indiffer-
ent) but you stayed ‘for her sake’.
I’m sure you’ve regretted it many times,
so it’s fruitless to dwell on that mistake.
But be sure you don’t make another one.
Your daughter would (I’ve no doubt)
urge you to go on living ‘for her sake’ —
and I ask you to consider that she may
return to the uK and you will be able to
see how your grandchildren develop.
In other words, there is always hope.
Yes, hope may be a sad, bedraggled bird
sitting on a bough (as imagined the poets
Emily Dickinson and Thomas Hardy), yet
it is never too late to raise your head and
listen to its song.I dread old age with my husband
÷ Bel answers readers’
questions on emotional and
relationship problems each
week. Write to Bel Mooney,
Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street,
london W8 5TT, or email
[email protected].
Names are changed to protect
identities. Bel reads all letters
but regrets she cannot enter
into personal correspondence.AND
FINALLY
MOONEY
Survival, especially in these diff icult times, has to
count as some sort of an achievement. It’s not
something that comes easily ... But, having done
that much, you’re left with the problem of giving it
some purpose. After all, what good is health and
security if your life has no meaning?WWW.BELMOONEY.CO.UKDEAR BEL,
I THINK I have been
depressed for many, many
years, but have somehow
managed to surmount it
and keep going by work-
ing hard and being
involved with people.
Now, however, I feel
broken and defeated. I’m
70 and unhappily married.
I have no siblings or
family, one daughter and
three grandchildren I
love dearly.
My marriage was a
mistake from the start.
My husband seems
incapable of emotion, so
we have never had a
connection. I found that
even harder than the
lack of sex — we haven’t
shared a bedroom for
30 years.
He’s not intentionally
unkind, but appears to be
locked in an emotional
desert with no empathy
or self-awareness. I have
tried so many ways to getthrough to him, including
wondering if he is autistic,
but he doesn’t appear to
fit the criteria as he is
very sociable.
He does nothing at home
— I’m a drudge. I can’t
contemplate a move, as I
need space to escape to.(^) Living in close quarters
would be insufferable. I
dread growing old
with him.
As an only child, my
lovely daughter became
my world. Two years ago
she told me they were
going abroad for her
husband’s job, but just for
two years. Now it seems
they intend to stay longer.
I’ve missed so much of
my grandchildren’s devel-
opment and do not want
to go on living. I feel aban-
doned and know solutions
can rest only with me, but
I’ve run out of them.
CHRISTINA
Illustration: NEIL WEBB
too important to you. The trouble
is, that wonderful ‘full life’ your
daughter acknowledges would
surely be severely curtailed by a
move, since you’d be leaving
behind the social life and good
friends you value so much.
No matter how much we love
our adult children, it’s essential
to realise they must (and will)
lead their own lives — and
that can involve leaving you
behind (again, see Christina’s
letter below).
What if they decide to move
further than 20 miles away in six
years’ time? How can anybody
know they won’t?
I worry about you making the
upheaval and leaving everything
you enjoy behind — only to feel
lonely and left behind yourself.
of course, it could all work well.
Have you discussed it with the
daughter who lives nearest to
you? How well do you get on with
the youngest daughter and her
husband? Would you have the
means (I realise this is a long
shot) to buy two small properties,
one where you are now and one
near your daughter?
or is there a local friend from
whom you could rent a bedroom
when you retire, so as to keep a
base in the location you love?
You need to discuss this with all
three daughters, and listen to
your friends as well. You have a
year, so explore all the options.
From The Pale Criminal by Philip Kerr (British novelist 1956–2018)