Daily Mirror - 17.08.2019

mirror.co.uk SATURDAY 17.08.2019 DAILY MIRROR^21

DM1ST

Guest columnist

Gulls cashing in

on your chips

It’s no surprise that

seagulls have gotten

out of hand – look at

the size of them,

they’re massive.

I imagine it’s much

the same reason

humans are also

bigger than they used

to be – chips and ice cream. Birds have

always stolen the odd morsel of grub

here and there, but my main concern

these days is the fact that they don’t

seem scared of us people.

Once that occurs it’s time to act.

You’ve seen Planet of the Apes... look

what happens when a set of animals

realises we are nothing but a hopeless

gang of know-nothing terrified morons.

Scientists at Exeter University are now

telling us to stare out a seagull to make

sure they don’t eat your chips. I’m not

certain how you’re supposed to do that

when it’s in mid-flight and heading

towards your paper bag of fried potatoes

at 40mph.

This must be from the same school of

thought that told us to punch a shark on

the nose to stop it biting off your legs.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if

seagulls get wise to this new trick and, as

you’re staring one of the birds out, his

mate is sneaking up behind you and

robbing your phone out of your back

pocket to order some more chips on

Deliveroo.

6

On Wednesday this week at the

Kenyan Regional Assembly, a

heated discussion was disrupted

when one politician accused another

of farting mid-speech. We’ve all done

a fart we’re proud of, but very rarely

does it make the news.

“Honourable Speaker, one of us has

polluted the air and I know who it is,”

Julius Gaya told Homa Bay county

assembly, which is a posh way of

saying: “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

I guess it’s one time that we’re all

thankful that politicians very rarely

follow through.

Curtains for 6-pack

I start rehearsals for

a new whodunnit

musical next week.

It’s called Curtains,

by the fellas who

wrote Cabaret and

Chicago. It’s very

funny and a lot of fun.

It’ll be touring the UK this winter and

next spring, and also stars Ore Oduba

and Carly Stenson, along with a fabulous

cast and set of musicians.

I’m such a dedicated actor I actually

put on a stone in weight for the role.

I mean, nobody asked me to, and I was

doing it anyway, but it’s that sort of

dedication that wins Oliviers... yes,

I know, the same joke as before, but I’ve

actually put on two stone!

CO-STARS Oduba

and Stenson

Lower your carbon

footprint and step

up for a staycation

I’VE had enough of travelling

abroad (this isn’t a Brexit rant,

don’t worry!).

Cheap flights with massive hidden

costs (“Oh, you’ll want to breath

Ryanair’s oxygen while aboard, sir,

that’ll be an extra £9.99”), queue after

queue, ironically named Speedy

Boarding, cancelled flights, striking

pilots, lost baggage, having to get a

bus to the bloody plane, expensive

inflight food (£4 for a Twix and a

brew is a joke!), rude passport

control, foreigners abroad (and even

worse than those, Brits abroad!) and

airport security where these days,

you virtually have to get undressed

and let a complete stranger caress

your privates while you wave all your

prized possessions away in a grey

plastic tray.

Those tedious inflight safety brief-

ings where they try to convince you

that not all airplanes are the same so

you really, really should listen to their

one. I once saw them ask a three-

year-old to take off her headphones

for the safety briefing. That didn’t fill

me with confidence – what will she

do in the event of a crash? Make a

lifeboat out of Play-Doh?

The list of my quibbles goes on and

on. But there is quite a simple

solution. In a world where the

pound is as weak as, well, the euro,

and Brits are about as welcome in

Europe as Donald Trump at the

Mobo awards, it’s time to

start holidaying on this

gorgeous and unique

island we call home.

The beautiful Lake

District, wonderful Corn-

wall and Devon, the

awesome beaches of

Pembrokeshire, the stun-

ning coastline of Northern

Ireland, the fun days out to be had in

Blackpool, Margate, Scarborough,

Southend and Great Yarmouth, the

rugged landscapes of Northumber-

land, the excitement of the Edin-

burgh Festival or the isolation of the

Outer Hebrides. Summer in Britain

is quite simply brilliant. Holidaying

in the UK means you’re lowering your

carbon footprint, you’re supporting

the British economy and you don’t

have to worry about the time differ-

ence (unless you go to Eastbourne,

where you need to reset your watch

to 1964) or currency exchange

(unless you try to spend a Scottish 20

in your local paper shop back in

England!).

It’s not like when we were kids

where we would go collecting things

on British beaches – shells, pebbles,

hepatitis. These days, UK beaches are

some of the most beautiful in the

world.

You know, it’s said that

when Charlotte Bronte

first saw the sea at

Bridlington Beach, she

was so overcome with

emotion she burst into

tears. I’ve a feeling a

similar thing might

happen to my kids when I

tell them that’s where we are going

on holiday next year, but for entirely

different reasons. I can’t wait!

STUNNER The Lake District

‘‘With the very

weak pound

it’s time to

start taking

holidays here

6

I know the temperature seems

to have gone down dramatically

since those days of searing heat in

July, but can we make a new rule for

when it happens next?

Fellas, for the love of all that is

holy, keep your tops on.

As soon as the temperature

creeps above 25C, the men get their

T-shirts off.

“Mate, we are in a Lidl in Stockport,

I’m trying to buy some shi itake

mushrooms and an angle grinder. I

don’t want to see your Jelly Tot

nipples. It’s not Ibiza, get it back on!”

Grasping at straws

I don’t know what it is
about plastic straws
that fish and seabirds
find so delicious, but
they’ve got to go.
However, these
cardboard ones aren’t
the answer either. Of all
the materials that are
suitable for being submerged under
water, cardboard’s way down the list.
Ten minutes into a Coke Zero and they
just give up. It’s like smoking a roll-up in
the shower. Yes, you can use a metal
straw or a bamboo one, or you could try
drinking from the glass, you know, like
grown-ups do.
I do think we need to have
bigger climate-saving changes than
this though.
We’ll be sat there on top of a
skyscraper, tidal waves lapping at our
feet, watching cattle float by, sipping a
milkshake, thinking: “Well I just don’t
understand it, we changed the straws!”

JASON MANFORD

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TWIST Culkin

Leave it Alone

I read with dismay this
week that Disney is
thinking of remaking
Home Alone. Not only
is it an awful and
unimaginative idea, but
how the hell will it manage
it in today’s over-PC and
health-and-safety-
gone-mad culture?
Unless perhaps it’s
going to be 90 minutes of social services’
interviews on how the family left a child
behind in the first place.
Then a courtroom drama as two
robbers – who were tarred and feathered,
electrocuted, set on fire and had their
teeth knocked out by a swinging paint can

• try to sue an eight-year-old boy for
  cruelty while his poor mum has to spend
  half the film defending herself and
  apologising on Twitter #badparent. Also,
  technology has moved on, hasn’t it?
  “Oh my God, we’ve lost Kevin! Where is
  he?” “He’s at home, I can see it on the GPS
  app. I’ll just FaceTime him then order him
  an Uber to the airport.” End credits.
  The only way it could work is if they get
  Macaulay Culkin to play Kevin again, but
  the plot twist is that they are actually
  trying to persuade him to leave home.
  “Come on Kevin, you’re nearly 40 now,
  get a job!”
  BRIAN READE IS AWAY

WEIGHTY

ROLE

Coming this September

to BBC 1, I’ll be starring

in a new comedy,

Scarborough, from the

pen of Benidorm

creator Derren Litten.

It stars myself,

Catherine Tyldesley,

Steve Edge and

Stephanie Cole.

I’m such a dedicated

actor I actually put on

a stone in weight for

the role.

I mean, nobody

asked me to, and I was

doing it anyway, but it’s

that sort of dedication

that wins BAFTAs.

METHOD

ACTOR

Jason in

Scarborough

What do you think?

Write to [email protected]