THENEWYORKER, AUGUST 26, 2019 43
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
A
t Extended-Student-Loan Solu-
tions, we believe that the prob-
lem of student-loan debt is larger than
life. This life, that is. That’s why we’re
giving you two more lifetimes to pay
it off.
Q: Just so I’m completely clear on this,
what the fuck are you talking about?
A: We hear all the time from anxious
students who think they’ll probably
grow old and die before they pay off
their loans. We’re proud to be able to
look them in the eye and say, “Go ahead
and die. We’ve got you covered.”
Q: How can I continue my payments if
I’m dead?
A: Our patented reincarnation software
tracks you as you move into your next
life, seamlessly transferring your loan
to the new you so that you don’t miss
a single payment.
Q: How exactly does this benefit me?
A: By extending your loan’s “life,” so
to speak, we’re able to decrease your
monthly payments while increasing our
chances of getting repaid. Imagine re-
ducing the stress that comes with pay-
ing off an unreasonably large sum of
money in one lifetime. Then imagine
us reducing the stress of loaning those
sums of money to people who majored
in philosophy.
Q: So, are you saying I can stop making
payments now and just let my future selves
cover the rest?
A: Unfortunately, no. It’s going to take
all three of you to close this thing out.
Q: Will this software tell me what I’m
going to be in the next life?
A: We know very little about the jour-
ney that each person makes as he or
she crosses over. All we know for sure
is that whatever you become owes us
a ton of money.
Q: Will you let my future self know a lit-
tle bit about me so that the debt doesn’t
come totally out of left field?
A: For each of our debtors, we create
a transition file with personal data
about the client. We find that a per-
son is much more agreeable about mak-
ing payments when that person feels
connected to his or her past self and
when that past self didn’t major in
philosophy.
Q: This all sounds great, but what if I
come back as a horse?
A: The truth is that you’re about as
likely to pay off your loan as a horse as
you are in your current incarnation, so
we’ll take our chances.
Q: What if I actually pay off my loan be-
fore I die, in this life?
A: Oh, my God, that’s adorable.
Q: I’ve taken out more than three hun-
dred thousand dollars in student loans.
I’m wondering if you can tell me why I
did that.
A: Is that ... a question?
Q: I was worried about applying to grad
school and amassing more debt on top
of my undergraduate loans, but now I
feel, like, Screw it, it’s the horse’s prob-
lem, right?
A: To be clear, you’re not definitely be-
coming a horse.
Q: I want to be a horse so bad.
A: I know you do.
Q: Wouldn’t your efforts be better spent
finding a solution to rising tuition costs,
rather than trying to unlock the cycle of
existence through the transcendence of
consciousness?
A: You mean the harder thing? No.
Q: My parents want to know: If they co-
sign my loan, will their future selves be
held responsible for it?
A: Yes, but their future selves will be
free to track down your future self to
help out with the loan. Just make sure
they understand that your future self
might not know what they’re talking
about, because you’re a turtle.
Q: All this existential talk is making me
question whether we can even say for cer-
tain that it was me who took out this loan
in the first place, you know?
A: It was you.
Q: Or... was it?
A: It was.
Q: Is it possible that I’ll be asked to as-
sume the loan of one of my past selves, and
wind up with two loans?
A: Dimensional Double Debt Dipping
is prohibited, so no.
Q: What if I come back as someone from
England? Can you convert loan payments
from pounds sterling?
A: As of now, we do not have that
capability.
Q: Come to think of it, some racehorses
make lots of money. If I come back as a
racehorse, can I help name him?
A: No, because you won’t be there, re-
member? You’ll be the horse.
Q: Ooh, how about Sky Dancer?
PAY OFF YOUR STUDENT DEBT
IN THREE EASY LIFETIMES
BYCOLIN NISSAN
