10 August 2019 | New Scientist | 53The back pages Feedback
Crash landing
“We choose to go to the moon in
this decade and do the other things,
not because they are easy, but
because they are hard, because
that goal will serve to organise and
measure the best of our energies
and skills, because that challenge
is one that we are willing to accept,
one we are unwilling to postpone
and one which we intend to win,
and the others, too.”
President John F. Kennedy’s
words to a packed stadium at
Rice University, Texas, in September
1962 ring down the ages – perhaps
more so than those of the UK’s new
prime minister, Boris Johnson.
During the recent 50th anniversary
celebrations of the Apollo 11 moon
landing, he was keen to invoke
the spirit of Kennedy for his own
moonshot: avoiding a “hard”
Irish border in the event of the UK
leaving the European Union. “It is
absurd that we have even allowed
ourselves to be momentarily
delayed by these technical
issues,” he averred. “If they could
use hand-knitted computer code
to make a frictionless re-entry to
the Earth’s atmosphere in 1969, we
can solve the problem of frictionless
trade at the Northern Irish border.”
Alwyne Kennedy – no relation to
JFK, we presume – is keen to point
out one technical issue: “Apollo 11’s
re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere
was far from frictionless. If it wasn’t
for friction with the atmosphere,
the returning Apollo capsule would
never have slowed down and would
have smashed to Earth at tens of
thousands of miles per hour.” True,
thinks Feedback, but it is a vastly
different kettle of fish when, like
the UK, you are attempting to
achieve escape velocity. Or is it?
We bury our head in our hands.
Rocket man
Feedback’s desire to pretend
politics isn’t happening is
disturbed by the plop of post on
the mat. “I thought you might like
this new unit of measurement,”
writes Barry Cash. Always! He
goes on to relay news from
Brassed off
Barry Cash writes: “I’m listening
to The Art and Science of Blending
on BBC Radio 4 and they have just
introduced Dr Jim Beveridge, who
has been the master blender
at Johnnie Walker for nearly
four decades.”
A fine case of nominative
determinism. Yet in all Feedback’s
years of publishing these instances,
Barry points out, we have never
quite deduced how the process
works. “For example, my name
is Cash. Why do I never have any?”Bloody stupid
You really won’t give up, will
you, dear readers? “It’s strange
how fact can sometimes echo
fiction,” writes Richard Green.
Watching Boris Johnson
enter Downing Street, he is
reminded of B. S. Johnson, an
infamous character from TerryPratchett’s Discworld series.
He sends in this description
from a Discworld fan page:
“Although evidently able in certain
fields, Johnson is notorious for his
complete inability to produce
anything according to specification
or common sense, or (sometimes)
even the laws of physics. This fact
never stopped him from trying,
however. He is also known as
Bloody Stupid ‘It Might Look A
Bit Messy Now But Just You Come
Back In Five Hundred Years’ Time’
Johnson and Bloody Stupid ‘Look,
The Plans Were The Right Way
Round When I Drew Them’
Johnson.” Feedback merely
forwards this on.Signs of the times
Spotted by David Martin in
Bookends Bookshop, Cornwall:
“Post-apocalyptical science fiction
has been moved. It may now be
found in Current Affairs.” ❚political writer Mark Pack that
NASA’s Saturn V rocket weighed
roughly “the equivalent of
31,000 Boris Johnsons”.
Sigh. Johnson is certainly
known for his ability to expel
great volumes of hot air. But as for
Barry’s speculation that “he’ll be
more use as a unit of weight than
he will be as prime minister”, you
might very well think that – but
we couldn’t possibly comment.Give them an inch
While we are waiting for the
Johnson to catch on, we might as
well turn to Edwardian cosplayer
and arch-Brexiteer Jacob Rees-
Mogg. As the newly installed leader
of the UK House of Commons, he
has started his own campaign to
bring down the metric system.
He has issued his staff with a style
guide demanding that untitled
men be labelled “Esq.”, that double
spaces follow a full stop and that all
measures be given in imperial units.
Feedback notes that the UK’s
switch to (mostly) metric was
formalised in 1965, four years
before Rees-Mogg was born, so
he may be protesting a little too
much. Should he find himself
struggling to fathom the furlong
and the fluid scruple, we have a
slide rule he can borrow.The worm’s turn
Enough of these high matters of
state. “The 6 July issue notes that
the worm community is pleased
with the recent neural map of the
nematode,” writes Sylvia Potter.
“I remarked to my son my surprise
that worms read New Scientist;
he thought it was probably read
to them. Could you settle the
argument please?”
Delighted to, Sylvia. We can
confirm that the magazine is read
to them by researchers who have
subscriptions, as nematodes are
notoriously slippery customers
when it comes to payment. We
also have a strong following
among budgerigars, thanks to
owners lining their cages with
old issues of this fine magazine.Got a story for Feedback?
Send it to New Scientist, 25 Bedford Street,
London WC2E 9ES or you can email us at
[email protected]Liana Finck for New Scientist