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BLONDE AMBITION
It’s not been a good month for France
World Cup winner Adil Rami. First he was
dumped by Pamela Anderson, who very publicly
aired her grievances against the 33-year-old. Then,
the defender was suspended by Marseille after
appearing on the French equivalent of The Crystal
Maze, reportedly without permission from his club.
Rami took part in a spot of mud-wrestling during
his day as a contestant on
Fort Boyard: maybe he’d
seen the Channel Five
show, and hoped Melinda
Messenger might be there.
Next month: Rami goes in
search of Heather Locklear
and Ulrika Jonsson.4
BROADENING THEIR HORIZON
Spanish fourth division side Mostoles Balompie
have been surveying the advances of the
modern world, and after careful consideration they’ve
decided they’re having none of it.
Forgetsportsscience,analytics or any kind of
progressivethinking, they’re going the other
ming the club ‘Flat Earth FC’.
here to unite the voices of
offlat earth movement followers
hoare looking for answers,”
clubpresident Javi Poves,
mably just before smashing up
omputer and announcing that
eirfinal pre-season opponents
would be The Moon Is Made Of
Cheese FC.8
“I,EAGLE,DOSOLEMNYSWEAR...”
We’vealwayssaidit:youdon’tseeenough
eaglesinthesenate.
ThankfullyLazioputthatright,headingdownto
Rome’sPalazzoSenatoriowithclubmascot
Olimpia,beforelettingtheeaglemoocharoundfor
a bit,if that’stherightexpression.Doeagles
mooch,orareweconfusingthemwithbuzzards?
OlimpiawasonshowaspartofLazio’scivic
receptionwithRome’smayor,twomonthsafter
theclubliftedtheCoppaItalia.Sadly,it didn’t
swoopoffandcausechaos,likeonlyaneagleon
thelooseina senatebuildingcan.Well,eitherthat
orDonaldTrump.3
JORDI ALBA: PIG IN THE BAHAMAS
What does Jordi Alba do during the off
season? He wades into shallow water
holding a pig, that’s what.
The defender got an extended break after
appearing for Spain in their Euro 2020 qualifier
against Sweden – so before he returned for
pre-season with Barcelona, he headed straight
down to the beach in the Bahamas and looked for
the nearest porcine animal.
Inexplicably, he was in luck: so he carried the pig
about 20 feet from the shore (because why not?),
and then proudly held it aloft, as he posed with his
wife. A holiday snap to remember, you’ll agree.6
“I’D HOPED TO PRIME MINISTER
ABOUT NOW, STEVE”
Back by popular demand, it’s the latest episode
in our series ‘Footballers and Politicians Opening
Random Non-League Pavilions’.
A few months ago we brought to you the dream
team of Mason Holgate and Ed Miliband, joining forces
as only they could to open the pavilion at AFC Bentley.
This time, Northamptonshire club Roade FC spun the
random name generator and delivered the perfect
double act: Andrea Leadsom and Shrewsbury Town’s
on-loan Millwall striker Steve Morison.
Long live this glorious series: it’s surely only a matter
of time before Lord Buckethead and Angel Rangel turn
upinAshby-de-la-Zouch,orsomething.FourFourTwo September 2019 237
“JUST GIVE IT TO ROBOT
LEWANDOWSKI!”
The greatest tournament on Earth took
place this month: RoboCup.
The annual event sees the world’s finest
football-playing robots gather together in one
place to battle for global supremacy. Sydney
was the host city this year, as robots went head
to head under official FIFA rules.
Austin Villa had an early exit from the
tournament,beforeB-HumandefeatedNaoTeam
inanall-Germanfinal.Presumably,B-Human’s9
ACCRINGTON STANLEY, QUI SONT ILS?
If you thought Accrington Stanley’s pre-season
friendly with Marseille was odd (especially as
Accrington won 2-1), things got even more bizarre in
non-league.
World’s oldest club Sheffield FC headed to Russia on
tour, taking on Chernatovo and the mighty Torpedo
Moscow (pictured above), for whom Sergei Ignashevich
was making his managerial debut.
Back in England, Marlow, Hungerford Town and
Maidenhead United each took on an entire nation, as
they played warm-up matches against the Kuwait
national team, who were touring the Home Counties
ahead of the West Asian Championship in Iraq.
Nothing prepares you for Baghdad quite like Marlow.way–rena
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