UPFROnT
ASK A SILLY QUESTIOn
“I’MATOP-BRACKETIRONER.IRONINGIS
LIKERIDINGABIKE:ONCEYOU’VEGOT
THESKILLS,THEYDON’TLEAVEYOU”
a robotdon’ttellnostories.It comesin,
doesa jobandgetsout.Unlessit’sgot
a camera on it.
You were a master of the wind-up.
When did you last merk someone?
I’ve not done one for a while. I suppose
the best one I did was with Wayne
Rooney [convincing him a dog had
died]. I’d like to point out that it wasn’t
a real dog. But you need the changing
room environment really, for a wind-up.
I mess about with my kids a bit. I like
scaring them, jumping out on them.
Do you ever fib to the kids to get
them to do something? Like tell
them you’re off to Disneyland, but
when you get there, it’s the dentist?
That’s a bit extreme. Fucking hell.
Imagine you have to pick them up after
that. They’d be on the floor. It’d be
devastation through the family. That is
a liberty. You think you’re going to go
on the rides, and it’s a dentist? That’s
out of order.
A bit extreme, maybe. You were
named after one of the world’s great
rivers, the Rio Grande. If you could
swap that for another body of water,
which one would you go for?
Nile. Haha. How boring is that? Imagine
calling me Nile Ferdinand. A silly name.
What about Nile Rodgers? He’s
pretty funky...
He is actually. And he plays the sax –
there’s some good sax for you. He’s
got a catalogue. What about Amazon
Ferdinand? That’s a better river name.
Who’s your favourite character from
a TV show ever?
Porkpie from Desmond’s. He is the
governor. He was just funny, he
cracked me up.
What’s the most episodes of a show
you’ve ever watched in one sitting?
It’d be Breaking Bad. Me and Bobby
Zamora used to watch it to and from
training, in and out, every day. We were
doing four hours a day of it. What
a great show, the one that grabbed me
the most.
Do you have any non-famous friends
who look like a celebrity?
There’s a geezer in my agency, New EraWeinterviewedyourcousinLes
Ferdinanda whileback,andhesaid
he was an expert at pulling wheelies
on a bike. Are you a wheelie king too?
Wheelies aren’t my forte. I can ride
a bike OK, but I’m not a wheelie man,
I’ll leave that to the kids. Les does some
fucked-up stuff, he flies helicopters.
Do you have any pointless skills?
I’m very good at ironing. I’m a top
ironer, right in the top bracket there.
The secret is to not burn anything, and
you’ve got to get all the creases in the
right place. That’s the main chore for
me, I’ve done it since I was a kid.
Ironing is like riding a bike, once you’ve
got the skills, they don’t leave you.
Sir Les has had sax lessons. Have
you ever heard him play?
It’s lunacy what he does. The
wheelies, the helicopters. I’m not
doing that type of madness. The sax is
OK, maybe if you’re out eating dinner.
But I wouldn’t buy a full album of sax
music. I need some lyrics. If I could be
good at an instrument, I’d go for the
piano. I tried the guitar a bit as a kid,
I was a bit like Slash from Guns N’ Roses.
Your name is an anagram of Finer
Android. Do you think robots are
going to take over the earth, as part
of a terrifying singularity that will
render humanity obsolete?
They’re going to take over. They’re
going to drive cars. They’re going to fly
planes. They’re going to stack things in
the warehouses and deliver stuff for
Amazon. It’s a matter of time. We
need to keep the human touch. Like
if someone’s driving me somewhere,
I don’t mind a bit of conversation.
I want to see the driverless cars
working before I get in one.
Would you like a robot butler, or
would it freak you out?
Again, I think I’d like to see one in
action before I get into it. BecauseInterview Nick Moore Illustration Bill McConkeyRIO ‘AMAZOn’ FERDInAnD
The former England defender is unconvinced by robot butlers: they just don’t tell enough anecdotes