“I’VE GOT HARRY MAGUIRE DOWn
AS A DOZY FARMER. IT’S THE WAY
HE PLAYS. WHEnEVER HE STRIDES
FORWARD, IT’S TRACTOR-LIKE...”
anchester United defender
Phil Jones won’t go upstairs
because of the house monster,
QPR chairman Tony Fernandes
recommends some soup in
a Stockholm restaurant, and
Leicester striker Jamie Vardy
breaks a potter’s hand with his
chin. And then farmer Harry
Maguire runs over the potter
with his tractor.
Of course he doesn’t. But
these are just a few highlights
of a morning spent watching
a recording of Athletico Mince,
the increasingly unhinged
podcast that has veered away
from its football-based origins
into a fantasy world with the
loosest foundation in reality.
Created by self-facilitating
media node Andy Dawson and millionaire
television celebrity Bob Mortimer, the genesis
of the show ultimately lies in an ill-advised
supermarket purchase.
“Bob started to follow me on Twitter,” says
Sunderland fan Andy, “which I was thrilled by
as I’ve always been a big fan. What happened
was I’d been to Lidl, and bought this portable
plastic greenhouse for £25 that I was pretty
pleased with. I tweeted about it and suddenly
received a tirade of abuse from Bob, telling
me it was a load of shit, that it would just fall
over in the slightest breeze, and what a waste
ofmoneyit was.”
“Itwasa terribleunit,”admitsBob.“There’s
notwowaysaboutit.Theonlywayit couldbe
purchasedis onimpulsebya foolishman.”
Followinga periodofmutualantipathy,one
thingledtoanother.Whilethegreenhouse
remainedunopenedinthegarage,Andywas
invitedtoa recordingofHouseOfFools, and
a coupleofpintslatertheideaofa football
podcastwashatched,albeittentatively.
“IthinkI’dbecomeawareofthem,butin
a sortofgentleway,”saysMiddlesbroughfan
Bob.“IknewthatRickyGervaishada podcast.
MyguesswouldbethatI’dneverlistenedto
a podcast,butI wasawaretheywerea thing.
Andaroundthissortoftime,I’djusthadmy
heartoperation.
“JimMoir[VicReeves]whoI workwithknows
nothingaboutfootball.Absolutelynothing.In
alltheselast 30 yearswe’realwaysreferencing
celebrities,butthere’sneverbeenonemention
ofa footballerasit meansnothingtoJim.
“He’dknowthenamePele,butwouldn’tbe
abletoputa facetohim.SoI alwayshadit on
mymindthatI’dliketodosomethingaround
football,becausein 50 yearsoffollowingthe
gameI’veneveractuallydoneanythingabout
it media-wise.I don’tknowif ‘pompous’is the
word,butI thinkwefeltwehadthingstosay
aboutfootball.”
AthleticoMincethen,is verydifferentto
AthleticoMincenow,asAndyreadilyadmits.
“Listentothefirstcoupleofepisodes– we’re
justlookingatquirkyfootballstoriesthathad
appearedonlinethatweek,”hesays.
“ManchesterUnitedhadannounceda new
tractorpartner,andLiverpoolmidfielderJoe
AllenhadbeenonthecoverofChicken& Egg
magazine.Theywererealthings,sowewere
kindoftalkingaboutthem,butthenit soon
wentoffontangents.It tooka fewweeksto
finditsfeetandworkoutexactlywhatit was
andwhatit wasgoingtobe.”
Bobconcurs.“Oneofthemostdepressing
thingsis whenthere’sa littlevoiceattheback
ofyourheadsaying,‘That’sjustderivative,’”
heexplains.“Ifeltlikeit hadbeencoveredso
manytimesfromFantasyFootballonwards–
‘Whichground’sgotthebestpie?’– andwhen
weactuallytrieddoingsomethingonfootball,
I thoughtit hadbeendonebetterbypeople
whoknowwhatthey’retalkingabout.I can
remembera momentcriticisingoneofYaya
Toure’sperformancesforManchesterCityand
thinking,‘Whatthefuck?Whocares?I’mnot
doingthatanymore’.”
AccordingtoAndy,“Itsoonbecameobvious
thattherewassomuchmoretotalkabout
thanjustfootball.We’vesaidfora longtime
thatit’snotreallya footballpodcast,it justhas
elementsoffootballinit.”
“It’sa nicearenatopluckfrom,”addsBob,
“becausewe’veallgotourprejudicesagainst
teamsorfootballers.I’vegotHarryMaguire
downasa dozyfarmer– a deadobviousone.
I thinkit’sjustthelookofhimandkindofthe
wayheplays.Wheneverhestridesforward,
it’stractor-like...”Through his TV work with Reeves, Mortimer
is well established as a comedy genius and
national treasure. However, Andy manages to
hold his own alongside the more experienced
man, not least in his re-imagining of former
England manager Roy Hodgson as a furious
goblin-fancier, obsessed with tabletop fantasy
roleplaying game, Warhammer.
“I’d watched the video that’s been around
for years, where Roy is swearing his head off,”
says Bob. “Suddenly he’s quite a nasty little
bastard. Andy was happy to do him, but then
with Athletico Mince we don’t want it to be
anything to do with football, so we said we’ll
put him in the Warhammer arena.”
It’s a similar leap of logic that casts Vardy
as a laidback mediator with a deadly chin.
“I was looking for a Leicester player to do,”
continues Bob. “There’s a lot of them from the
home counties, especially these youngsters,
so they’ve got no voice. So I look for someone
who’s from somewhere and try that accent.
“It’s not attempting their voice, just their
accent. I have no idea where Jamie Vardy’s
from. I was once doing an impression of Paul
McCartney and someone made the mistake
of saying it wasn’t bad, so I wanted to use the
voice. I thought, ‘Fuck it, Vardy can have it’.”
The podcast character is so far removed
from the footballer that they’re basically just
using his name and chin. Likewise elf-worrier
Hodgson, whose voice Andy admits is based
on Steptoe and Son’s Harry H Corbett.
“That’s the little trick,” reveals Bob. “Mine
and Jim’s comedy, for example, has always
been the same, but we had one show which
was a very big success called Shooting Stars.
Because viewers were comfortable as they
could see Jonathan Ross or Chris Evans, they
would then bother to listen to our comedy.
So it’s a similar trick here in a way, because
it’s Roy Hodgson. It’s just fucking nonsense.”
As for Bob’s breakthrough show, Andy says,
“I was a huge fan of Big Night Out, and that
was one of the things that made me realiseATHLETICO
MIn CEClockwise from top
Andy and Bob polish
off a podcast in one
take; “Don’t mention
the greenhouse...”;
after half a century
following the game,
Mortimer can finally
let rip about football64 September 2019 FourFourTwo