FourFourTwo UK – September 2019

I wanted to do comedy and writing. It seemed
really easy – they weren’t doing anything me
and my mates weren’t doing. A lot of comedy
before then was rooted in Oxbridge and the
Footlights club, whereas he and Jim were just
titting about in a pub and ended up on telly.”
Dawson certainly couldn’t have imagined it
at the time, not least for technical reasons, but
he now produces a podcast with Bob Mortimer.
“It helps to have someone of Bob’s profile
to get a podcast up and running,” he readily
admits. “I would recommend that thoroughly.”
The pair record Athletico Mince every few
weeks in London. FFT was privileged to sit in
on episode 84 in a basement studio at Soho
Radio, Bob finishing some sushi with his ‘brass
hand’, Andy sporting a ‘WORRHAMUH’ T-shirt.

Sitting face-to-face, laptop-to-laptop, it was

impressively all done in one take, with a writer

and photographer attempting to stifle their

guffaws in an enclosed space. And perhaps

counter-intuitively due to the madcap nature

of the content, it was partly scripted, albeit

individually, thus ensuring the authenticity of

the mutual reactions.

As Bob explains, “In the early days I just had

about 10 lines, bullet points, but it’s better for

putting a bit of graft in.”

Just like his brass hand, it’s now a well-oiled

machine, following the format of exchanging

comedy names, a bit of a song, and a quiz in

the style of The Price Is Right. Then we’re into

the deranged characters, with some kind of

squad rotation in place. The only real football

chat came in the photo shoot, with a cursory

appraisal of Boro’s appointment of Jonathan

Woodgate and a brief analysis of Sunderland’s

key deficiencies: can’t score, can’t defend.

Mortimer is a particularly shrewd observer

of the game, however, successfully predicting

that Norwich and Sheffield United would be

promoted from the Championship last season.

As for his beloved Middlesbrough, he says,

“I always think the most you can hope for is

that your season goes to the last few weeks –

even if it ends up with relegation – so there’s

a little story to follow and a belief in some sort

of outcome. And we went to the last match

[missing out on the play-offs by a point], but

we’ve not been great to watch and it’s pretty

soul-destroying. I’d never felt like that before.

We’d been bad in the past under Aitor Karanka

and so on, but it hadn’t been week in, week

out and, Jesus, it’s not a pleasant experience.”

He has previously tried to muster a portrayal

of outgoing manager Tony Pulis but concedes,

“I feel a bit rotten doing Boro as it’s my club.”

As well as spending his youth at Ayresome

Park, hurling pies and obscenities at visiting

goalkeepers, Bob is also a veteran of several

World Cups, including following England in

their dismal 1982 campaign.

“It’s such a good thing to go to a World Cup

when you’re young,” he recalls wistfully. “It’s

funny, I’m 60 years old now and I still return

to my memories of that World Cup in Spain.”

Regular listeners of Athletico Mince will be

aware that it was at this World Cup that Bob’s

mate, Micky Drink, accidentally dropped the

keys to their Ford Transit in a cesspit and had

to dive in to retrieve them.

He still gags at the memory of the stench

that day, one of several true stories recounted

on the podcast. The rest of it may be absolute

gibberish, but it’s definitely worth half an hour

of your time.

As Mr Fernandes says in his best Godfather

accent, “Life’s too short to be a dope.”

PETERBEARDSLEY

TheformerNewcastleforward(above)is

re-imaginedasa morose,downtrodden,

egg-obsessedloser,takingsolaceinthe

beautyofa solitarybuttercup,possibly

whilehisdomineeringwifecavortswith

MarkLawrenson.“I’vegottoturnthings

aroundforPeter,”saysMortimerruefully.

MARKLAWREnSOn

VisitstheBeardsleys,butthesuspicionis

he’snotjusttherefortheeggs.Unusually,

it’sa fairlyauthenticimpressionofthe

dourpundit.“WeknowMarkis awareofit

becausehisson’sa bigfan,”saysDawson.

“IthinkMarkis bemusedbypodcastsin

general,buthequitelikesthatit’sa thing.”

STEVEMCLAREn

AblyassistedbyCasper,hispetsnake,the

effeteMcLarenremainsinthralltoangry

chairmanMrFernandes,culminatingin

a memorableserenade.“Idon’twantto

makeit toofootballsoI justthoughthe

hada snake,”revealsBob.“Sometimesif

youdoanindividual,youneedtwovoices

• a foilforhimtoexpresshisweakness.
  He’sleftQPRingoodnicklaundry-wise.
  Carpet-wise,he’sgotridofthelaminates
  andputinsomegooddeeppilecarpet.”

MRFERnAnDES

Witha mouthfulofcottonwool,Mortimer

transformstheHoops’headhonchointo

a MarlonBrando-styleboss,incensedby

theineptitudeofoutgoinggafferMcLaren.

GAnGSOFTHEEPL

Ina raredetentebetweenragingmobs,

EricDier,“Debbie”Alli,HarryKane,Jordan

HendersonandPhilJonesallmeetround

Kane’smum’shousetoeatsomehotdogs

andpractisethatmonoclecelebration.

ADRIAnLEWIS

Thetwo-timePDCWorldDartschampion

dropsintotheAlexandraPalacebranchof

Slaughter’sforhistraditionalmeatfeast,

aspreparedbythelegendaryRonCraggs.

ATHLETICO

MInCE

MEET MInCE

It’s football, Jim, but not as we know it

FourFourTwo September 2019 65

STEVE HILL is a journalist

and author of ‘The Card: Every

Match, Every Mile’, which was

nominated for William Hill

Sports Book of the Year 2018 Art by http://www.benpics.com