Life after loss
After losing a child, Nikki Clift had to fi nd a way to reopen her shattered heart.
Wo rds NIKKI CLIFTF
rom the moment my baby girl
surprised me with her existence,
she has been teaching me
compassion, kindness and
unconditional love. When I lost her,
I could have closed off my heart or lived
on with love. I chose love.
At only 24 weeks and two days into my
first pregnancy, I received the terrifying
news that my body was going into preterm
labour. My baby girl, Roni Mira, was
delivered by emergency caesarean and,
after being gifted nine precious days with
her, I endured what no parent should ever
have to: I said goodbye.
I left hospital without Roni, my arms
empty. The pain was so unbearable it felt
like my heart had been ripped from my
chest. In the following days and weeks,
the grief of losing my daughter consumed
every cell of me. I felt so alone.
I was haunted by “why me?” Guilt for
failing her tormented me. My shattered
heart was shutting down and everything
I was passionate about before seemed to
have died with her. I was drowning in a pain
so excruciating that continuing life without
her seemed incomprehensible.
I wanted to close down my heart and
shut myself away from the world. But
a closed heart doesn’t heal. To heal,
I had to find a way to reopen. My
shattered heart needed to open to feel
the ferociousness of each agonising
emotion as it came crashing down on me.
Letting my emotions flow allowed the
crippling feelings to pass by and release
their power. Although they returned time
and time again, they would slowly pass.
In their place, sometimes only for a brief
moment, the darkness would lift and
underneath it, I felt light and love.
During these brief moments of light,
I felt purpose returning. The lonelinessand isolation felt from losing a child
lessened by sharing my story. My husband
and I found that we were not alone. We
met other parents who had endured loss
and were also on this unique path. These
couples lived so strongly with their wounds,
yet so gently with love, which gave us the
hope we needed so desperately. From
them, I learnt that there is life after loss.Life after loss
Navigating life after loss is a daunting
path full of complex emotions. There is
no end to the pain I feel for the loss of my
daughter, just as there is no end to the
love that I feel for her.
Love is eternal and unchanging. The
pain that comes with a loss of a child is
unimaginable but the love that comes with
having had a child trumps all.
The love and support my husband and
I received gave us the strength to survive.
The willingness of others to sit in our pain
with us, no matter how uncomfortable
they felt, gave us something to be grateful
for. It is from their unwavering kindness
and connection that we feel brave enough
to step out of the darkness and slowly
rebuild our lives.
One year has passed and we have been
blessed with our rainbow baby, another
beautiful girl named Mala Amor. Mala’s
pregnancy was very emotional; my mind
full of fear, my body holding trauma and
my heart far from healed. Throughout the
pregnancy, I felt excitement, happiness
and gratitude, but I also felt their
opposites every step of the way.
With Mala safe in my arms, I feel peace
returning. The ache in my heart of not
having both my babies in my arms is always
there. We have suffered loss and now live
with grief that will last a lifetime — but we
also have so much to be grateful for.The pain from living without Roni, our
firstborn, has now softened from my face
yet it remains deeply etched in my heart.
Waves of painfully intense emotions still
crash into me with so much force I am
left gasping for air in their wake, but the
time between them is lengthening. There
is now room for other emotions to filter
in. The fierce love I feel for Roni propels
me forward — not to get past the grief
and pain but instead to be able to function
with it. I have learnt to let my grief and
gratitude coexist side by side.
I have learnt to be kind to others
because I might never know what they
are going through internally. I have also
now learnt to be kind to myself, although
it certainly didn’t come easy. With my
wounds wide open, I could stay engulfed
in my grief and feel closer to Roni; self-
care felt like I was trying to cover the
pain and move on.
Yoga taught me to see that, when
happiness arose, it didn’t mean I was
happy without my daughter or moving
on from her; it meant that I was happy
because of her. Reigniting my passion for
yoga has helped me to gently and slowly
release my guilt. It has also taught me
that, by treating myself lovingly, I can
keep my precious Roni close.
I will never underestimate the
power of a kind word, an honest hug or
someone’s willingness to listen. These
acts of kindness helped me rise from
despair and see that there was still light.
Day by day, moment by moment, breath
by breath, I will continue on with love.Nikki Clift, a yoga teacher off ering free online
yoga classes, is a full-time mother and the
owner of eco-yoga brand, Salt and Seed.
She currently lives in Tweed Heads with her
carpenter husband and daughter Mala.wellbeing.com.au | 159column
REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE