S
elf-reliance is a desirable personal
trait in most developed countries
around the world: the self-made
(wo)man; pulling yourself up by your
bootstraps; Bear Grylls battling alone in the
wilderness. The Western psyche is teeming
with ideas and ideals — both unconscious
and overt — that celebrate those who go it
alone, reject assistance and single-handedly
conquer, overcome and succeed.
But does this idea go too far? What
damage is it doing to society and your own
wellbeing when you prioritise self-sufficiency
over seeking support?
The concept of mastering one’s own
destiny was encapsulated (and perhaps
bolstered) by the 1841 essay Self-Reliance by
American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson.
In it, Emerson openly rebukes the wealthy city
men who expect their careers to be handed
to them on a platter and praises the “sturdy
lad from New Hampshire or Vermont, who in
turn tries all the professions, who teams it,
farms it, peddles, keeps a school, preaches,
edits a newspaper, goes to Congress, buys
a township, and so forth, in successive years,
and always, like a cat, falls on his feet”.
From here, the concept of self-reliance
cemented itself as a sacred founding
principle in the United States, particularly
among conservatives. As capitalism took
hold across the developed world, the fear
of being seen as “in need”, “unproductive”
or a “burden” became increasingly
entrenched in the common psyche.
However, as honourable as the idea
of self-sufficiency is — and as desirable
as it may be when compared to complete
dependency — it seems the concept has
drifted towards the extreme.
In idolising the concept of “going it
alone” in life, you appear to be demonising
the very traits that underpin society and
your personal wellbeing: vulnerability,
compassion and common need.Born to need
I was seven years old when my father
left my mother, my two brothers, aged four
and 10, and me. I was too young to fully
appreciate the gravity of the situation but
I was astute enough to know some things.
Firstly, my father had abandoned all
responsibility for his household, wife and
family and fled the country to avoid the
obligatory childcare payments. Secondly, my
mother was relatively unskilled and poorly
educated (having married and fallen pregnant
at the age of 16) and had no immediate family
in our hometown. Lastly, as hardworking and
tenacious as she was, I was aware that my
mother was forced to juggle any prospective
employment with the incredible demands of
three school-age children.
I remember my mother’s distress one
night as she scoured the house to find
some money, any money, with which to
buy us dinner. Her search revealed one
single cent. I vividly recall the day the
bank placed a “For Sale” sign on our front
lawn to advertise the mortgagee auction
that would render us homeless and my
mother defiantly ordering my older brother
to remove it immediately and hide it in
our garden shed. I remember the potted
plant we optimistically repurposed as a
Christmas tree by adorn it with ragged
tinsel and mismatched baubles; and I can
still recall the night the “repo man” came
to repossess our beloved colour television.
Philosophers have long contemplated
why we, as a species, chose to live in
communities. Why form social groups when
we can easily sustain ourselves alone?
Philosopher Martha Nussbaum maintains
that we form communities because of a
desire to live “with and toward others, with
both benevolence and justice”. In other
words, she says, we simply cannot imagine
flourishing as individuals without supporting
each other through life’s troubles.Kimberley Brownlee of the University
of Warwick in the UK agrees with this
assessment and believes our need to be
there for each other — what she terms
“supportive social contact, interaction
and inclusion” — is so vital to our
personal wellbeing that it should be
deemed a basic human right.
Interestingly, these philosophical views
are backed up by anthropologists who
suggest that one of the main reasons
humans have flourished on this planet is
because of our cooperative behaviours:
our ability to help, support and share new
knowledge with one another.
In recent generations, as social structures
have changed and the obsession with self-
reliance has deepened, we have lost sight of
these vital human qualities. We have become
infatuated with the concept of a society built
on individualism and self-sufficiency and
turned our backs on the idea of communities
formed on mutual need and support.Communities of vulnerability
In an experiment by psychologist Stanley
Milgram, university students were so afraid
to ask for a seat on the subway that they felt
physically unwell. In a UK study, two-thirds
of high school maths students revealed they
would rather struggle alone than ask for help
from teachers, friends or family.
Revealingly, most of these students
believed they should already have the
answers. An Australian survey found that
40 per cent of new mothers feel pressured
to always appear happy and in control, while
a large majority of these same mothers
admitted to privately feeling unsure,
overwhelmed and isolated.
In developed nations, in particular, we
have come to view vulnerability and help-
seeking as weaknesses. We have come to
regard self-sufficiency as the single greatest
factor of success. And we have forgotten thatHow to ask for help
Needing help is not a weakness. Learn how to step beyond society’s love aff air
with self-reliance and embrace your vulnerabilities.Wo rds KIM FORRESTER94 | wellbeing.com.au
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SELF-RELIANCE