Male writers to be
named and shamed
in new literary prize
By Hannah Furness
ARTS CORRESPONDENT
FROM “depressed breasts” to a der-
rière like “the rumps of mountain
sheep”, male writers have not always
got it quite right when it comes to de-
scribing their female protagonists.
A new literary festival is to showcase
the excruciating worst of the “truly aw-
ful writing about women” to be found
in the English language, as it pokes fun
at literature’s unnerving obsession
with the female form.
An event chaired by Sandi Toksvig
will be entitled “Her Breasts Preceded
Her into the Room” in honour of the
“deathless prose” organisers say has
been offered by male authors.
The result of a search for the best –
and inevitably worst – examples of
egregious attempts to capture the
thoughts and feelings of female char-
acters, it will see four writers and pub-
lishers answer the question “Can men
write women?”
Toksvig, the comedian and broad-
caster, said she was looking forward to
“seeing if we can find the finest exam-
ple of truly awful writing about
women”.
She said: “Writing any character can
be tricky, but some writers create
women who aren’t just unlikely, but
anatomically impossible.”
The event is being held at Prima-
donna, a Suffolk festival founded by 17
women who promise it will be neither
“anti-men” nor “patriarchy-bashing”.
Its experts include Luke Jennings,
the author of the Villanelle novels
which were adapted into the television
show Killing Eve, widely acclaimed for
its intriguing female protagonists. He
will be joined by Michael Donkor,
shortlisted for the Desmond Elliott
Prize; Naomi Paxton, an academic who
has a comedy alter ego, Ada Campe;
and Lisa Milton, the HarperCollins ex-
ecutive publisher at HQ Stories.
Kit de Waal, the author and co-
founder of the festival, said there were
many brilliant examples of classic nov-
els by men that “depict women’s lives
in all their complexity and nuance”
that show it can be done.
However, she said: “There is no ex-
cuse for men to badly write about
women’s lives. Most men grow up sur-
rounded by women, work with
women, have women in their family,
watch women on TV and film – not al-
ways a good barometer, but still – read
about women and some even have re-
lationships with women. Why then
should they not be able to depict
women as real people with the same
hopes, fears, ambitions and desires
that men have?
“It could just be that some
men are not good writers, full
stop. We hope it will inspire
men to think again about
how women appear on the
page, particularly when ... al-
luding to sex.”
The event shares some simi-
larites with the annual Bad
Sex Awards, which has
seen some of Britain’s
Sandi Toksvig leads festival
panel to find the worst
examples of male authors’
descriptions of women
Vegetable pun is voted
the Fringe’s funniest
By Daily Telegraph
Reporter
A VEGETABLE pun has been
declared the best joke at the
Edinburgh Fringe.
Olaf Falafel, a festival vet-
eran, claimed the coveted
honour of Dave’s Funniest
Joke at the Fringe.
The comedian said the an-
nual event was painful “like
.pregnancy”, but he never-
theless returned for a sev-
enth year to deliver what
was judged the best gag.
Swedish comedian Falafel
had previously come close to
clinching the title, but this
year’s effort sealed victory.
His winning joke was: “I
keep randomly shouting out
‘broccoli’ and ‘cauliflower’ –
I think I might have florets.”
The pun was deemed the
best gag by 2,000 voting
members of the public, after
being shortlisted by “ex-
perts”. It saw off competition
from jokes about nepotism,
semaphore, antidepressants,
Brexit, and cowboys.
“I would definitely say
that winning this award has
been a highlight, and just be-
ing able to make people
laugh with my stupid jokes,”
said Falafel. “I think this is
my seventh year at the
Fringe, it’s like pregnancy –
you go through a lot of pain
and then the child is born
and enough time passes and
you forget about the pain
and decide that you fancy
having another one, but
straight after you’re like ‘I’m
never doing that again’.”
Falafel said his rise from
also-ran to claiming the top
prize mirrored the success of
his beloved Luton Town.
“It’s like going from non-
league to the Championship
in a few seasons,” he said.Floral dance Performers from the Sophie Adams Ballet Company display a new ballet, The Flower, at
Danesfield House near Marlow, Bucks. They will take the new production on tour next year.NIGEL NORRINGTONNews
1 Olaf Falafel
I keep
randomly
shouting out
‘Broccoli’ and
‘Cauliflower’- I think I might have
Florets.
2 Richard Stott
Someone stole my
antidepressants.
Whoever they are, I hope
they’re happy.
3 Milton Jones What’s
driving Brexit? From
here it looks like it’s
probably the Duke of
Edinburgh.
4 Jake Lambert A cowboy
asked me if I could help
him round up 18 cows. I
said, ‘Yes, of course.
That’s 20 cows.’
5 Ross Smith A thesaurus
is great. There’s no other
word for it.
“Her breasts
like exotic fruit,
her welcoming
thighs of
smoothest,
softest silk...”
Holy Spy (John
Shakespeare 6),
Rory Clements,
2015“Her butt
dipping and
spinning, two
big round
muscles like the
rumps of
mountain
sheep.”
Shaman,
Kim Stanley
Robinson, 2013“When she’d
stopped crying,
Madeleine
composed
herself before
the mirror.
Her skin looked
blotchy. Her
breasts, of
which she was
normally
proud, had
withdrawn into
themselves, as
if depressed.”
The Marriage
Plot, Jeffrey
Eugenides, 2011“... full breasts
that visibly
strained at the
breastbone like
two puppies
pulling on their
leashes in
slightly
diverging
directions.”
The Married
Man, Edmund
White, 2000Jokers in the pack
Edinburgh’s bestBest of the
worst Can
men write
women?most famous and successful authors
lampooned for their attempts at ro-
mantic or erotic prose.
Catherine Mayer, co-founder of the
Women’s Equality Party and the festi-
val, said much of the conversation
would be “tongue-in-cheek”.
Referring to literature that uses the
weather to “reflect and amplify mood”,
she said: “There’s a whole section of
male writing where breasts do the
same. They droop; they are depressed;
they seem to be capable of pointing to
things. We’re not actually saying men
can’t write women – we have two men
on the panel.
“But my point here is the men who
write that kind of stuff, they are lacking
imagination and possibly talent.
“Although women buy more books
than men and get more books pub-
lished than men, they earn less than
men, and they’re much less likely to be
taken seriously.”
Primadonna Festival is at Laffitts
Hall, Suffolk, from Aug 30 to Sept 1.Sandi Toksvig will
chair the debate
be that some
writers, full
will inspire
ain about
ar on the
when ... al-s some simi-
nual Bad
h has
in’sThe Daily Telegraph Monday 19 August 2019 *** 9
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