Page 34 Daily Mail, Monday, August 19, 2019
FROM PREVIOUS PAGEconflict; sex; money; family; fun and
adventure; growth and spirituality;
and dreams. If you keep talking
together about these eight essen-
tial topics, you have the best chance
of your own happy ever after.
Now we’ve structured them into
eight themed dates for you to go on
with your partner — eight conver-
sations for a happier, richer, more
fulfilling marriage, complete with
questions to ask to get you there.
These dates will help you
strengthen your relationship and
reduce conflict. They may even
help you fall in love all over again,
and return to those times when
you’d stay up all night talking,
fascinated by each other. So get
your diaries out and plan them —
they’ll transform your marriage.- LEAN ON ME
ThIS first date is all about trust
and commitment. Wherever you
decide to have it, make sure it’s
private and quiet enough for you to
have an honest conversation. It’s a
topic that makes people feel
vulnerable, and you want to feel
safe enough to share openly.
WHERE TO GO: One partner can coor-
dinate this. You can decide who will
be trusted to make the arrange-
ments, or toss a coin. You could
even choose to surprise your part-
ner, asking them to ‘trust
you’ (if you really want to
take it to the next level you
could blindfold your part-
ner on the walk or car ride
to your chosen location).
Try an elevated location
with a great view. It could
be a tall building, a bridge
or a hill with a comfy bench
to sit on.
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Ask
each other what commit-
ment means to you. Is it
just sexual fidelity, or
is it cherishing your part-
ner unconditionally and
loving every idiosyncrasy
and insecurity?
ASK YOUR PARTNER: Can you
describe a time where you
didn’t feel you trusted me,
and what I could have done
to fix the situation? What do
you need from me for you to trust
me more? - LET’S AGREE ABOUT
HOW WE DISAGREE
IT MAY seem odd to have a
conversation about conflict, but
the best time to discuss how you’re
going to manage disagreement is
not in the middle of a heated
argument. The important thing to
know is that relationship conflict is
normal and natural.
Another key takeaway from our
research is that some conflicts
aren’t resolvable — they’re what we
call perpetual problems, and you
have to learn to live with them. But
that’s where the greatest opportu-
nities for growth and intimacy lie
— when you learn what lies beneaththose problems, you uncover some-
thing at the core of your partner’s
belief system or personality.
WHERE TO GO: The partner that
didn’t plan the first date should
plan this one. Find a location that’s
peaceful, or a place where you’ve
had a great time together in the
past. hold hands while talking
about something that’s difficult
between you, and take turns as
both listener and speaker.
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Pick the top
three things you argue about. It
might be punctuality, household
chores, money, sex, whatever. But
don’t dwell on the issues themselves
— discuss how you manage conflict
about them when they arise.
ASK YOUR PARTNER: how was conflict
handled in your family growing up?
how can I best support you when
you’re angry? how do you like to
make up after a disagreement?- IGNITE THE PASSION
ThIS date is all about discussing
your sex life, which means you need
to be able to talk about sex.
Research shows that couples who
can talk openly about sex have
more sex, and the women in these
relationships have more orgasms.
It doesn’t have to be serious,
uncomfortable or awkward.
Approach the date with lightness
and honesty.
WHERE TO GO: have a candlelit
dinner somewhere.
Perhaps at your favourite
romantic restaurant or a
public place where you
can be very private —
such as a hidden corner
of a public garden.
If you’re going out,
dress in a way that
your partner finds sexy
(you may even decide
to let the other person
pick your clothes for
this ‘sex’ date).
If you’re dating at
home, arrange to have
the place to yourselves
and have the date
naked, in bed or in the
living room. If you have
a beautiful garden,
have it there (but
probably clothed).
Beautiful blue,
£45, trouva.
comWicker
stripe, £50,
amara.comPineapple
style, £30,
debenhams.comHelp! He’s just
moved in and
he’s a total slob
O IF YOU have a question
you’d like Steph and
Dom to tackle, write to:
stephanddom@
dailymail.co.ukTV’s sTeph and Dom parker,
52 and 54, draw on their
20 years of marriage to solve
your relationship problems...Just wash the damn towel yourself!
Tell him nobody likes a soap dodger
Solve your
sex, love &
life troubles
STEPH
& DOM Q
MY PARTNER moved in to
my flat five months ago
(we were together two years
before that) and he’s yet to put
his towel in the wash.
When we lived apart I’d always
wash his towels, so I never
noticed his hygiene blindness
until a few months ago when
his towel started to smell.
I decided to say nothing
and see how long he wouldDOM SAYS:
Oh deAR, oh dear. I do sympa-
thise. While I’m delighted that
you’ve found love and have
moved in together I really do
feel your predicament.
Unless something has changed
for your chap emotionally, it
seems to me his hygiene routine
is probably the same as it was
before he moved in — the differ-
ence is now you know about it!
I have to say, I do think he’s a
bit on the thin side when it
comes to his ablutions. And I
think you’re being rather lovely
about all this — fact is, nobody
loves a soap dodger!
I know some people claim to
enjoy a feral whiff, but I think
that’s rather rare. Most of us
find it rather gross. And therein
lies the problem.
You do not want to find your-
self in a situation where you
don’t want him to touch you —
or vice versa. And I’m sure that
he won’t want that either.
So it’s time to tackle it head-
on. If you don’t, you could find
that this escalates to the point
of no return. This is a serious
problem. he can’t shrug it off —
it could well lead to a break-up.You say he laughed at you for
being upset he used your tooth-
brush. Well, I do think you over-
reacted a bit about that.
If you’re happy to kiss him you
should be happy to share a
toothbrush — but it is terribly
bad manners of him not to ask
to borrow it beforehand.
And I think that’s important
here: his refusal to take proper
care of himself shows a lack of
respect for himself and for you.
It means you have no choice
but to call him out on it. When it
comes to the beard, well, there’s
a simple solution there — avoid
it! If you think he’s putting his
dirty hands all over his face all
the time, I entirely understandyou don’t want to be anywhere
near it. So stop kissing him! Tell
him you find his mucky beard a
turn-off and he either starts
washing his hands more
frequently or he shaves it off! It
should give him a bit of a clue
that soon you will stop more
than kissing, too.
I would also leave his towels on
the floor and the sheets on the
bed until the penny droppeth.
Many of us are a bit OTT about
laundry — my wife would wash a
shirt if it’d been worn for more
than 20 minutes — but if he
really hasn’t washed his towel in
five months, then he is taking
things too far. Far too far.
You need to give him some
rules. explain that you love him,
but he’s setting you both up for
a fall. When it comes to intimate
relationships, there is no second
best in this area.
he has to make more effort.
Tell him to buck up — this isn’t
going to wash for much longer!leave it. Now, I think it could
stay there for years. He also
doesn’t shower every day and
is always stroking his beard
with his hands.
We went away for a weekend
and he didn’t bother to pack
his toothbrush — just used mine
until I found out. I went mad at
him but he thought it was funny
and called me a clean freak.
It’s now putting me off get-
ting close to him. How do I
avoid sounding like his mother?
We’re in our 40s. I love him, but
hate his lack of hygiene.STEPH SAYS:
WhAT I think you are dealing
with here is a fortysomething
manchild who hasn’t got round
to growing up. Presumably a
previous girlfriend has been
mollycoddling him or his mother
still is. either way, he has clearly
not been looking after himself.
I understand that you think it
shouldn’t fall to you to look after
him — and I agree — but women
tend to do more than their fair
share in the home. Maybe mess
bothers them more, maybe men
are lazier, maybe women are just
programmed that way.
In my experience, it is the
reality. If you expect your boy-
friend to divide all domestic
chores absolutely equally you
will probably be disappointed.
So, just wash the offending
towel. No fanfare or huffing and
puffing! Leaving it to fester is
self-destructive; the longer you
leave it, the more it irritates you.
I feel there is an element of
point-scoring, and that’s not
healthy and it’s not going to
achieve what you want. Which is
for you and your man to rubalong nicely and cleanly. So
bung on a boil wash.
You have been living together
for five months — this is when
you bed-in to the relationship.
When the lustre starts to wear
off (and the lust). We all com-
promise in relationships — but
the best way to get him to do
that is not to tackle this head-
on. For once, this is not an occa-
sion where you sit down with a
bottle of wine and give it to him
straight. This requires subtlety.
If you tell him he’s challenged
in the cleanliness department
he’ll be deeply hurt and you’ll
wound his pride. This is not agood idea. What is a good idea is
to tell him you’re struggling with
sharing your space with a crea-
ture of the opposite sex. explain
you have been taught life differ-
ently, which includes daily show-
ers and regular towel changes.
Appeal to him to help you get
used to him sharing your living
space. I think you need a bit of
compromising yourself. Think of
things you want him to do for
you — and ask him to do them.
do the things he’s blind to for
him — so long as he does other
things for you that you don’t
want to do, you will achieve
equality in the domestic arena.
Compromise, encourage,
nurture, be smart. You have a
chance here to shape this man’s
future to your exacting stand-
ards. everyone wins.
When you complain about his
beard, are you sure you’re not
nitpicking because he’s getting
on your nerves? Unless he’s just
grown it, you’ve had time to get
used to it. Unless you really
loathe it, I’d leave the beard
alone — blokes can be very
sensitive about them.14%
The number
of couples
who have a
date night
once a
month and
are less likely
to break up
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Remember
the time you had the best sex
together and describe it. Talk about
what turns you both on — use
whatever language you feel
comfortable with, and laugh!
ASK YOUR PARTNER: What’s your
favourite way for me to let you
know I want to have sex? What
time of day or night do you most
like to make love and why?- TIME TO TALK ABOUT
THE COST OF LOVE
ReSeARCh shows that of all the
issues married couples fight about,
financial arguments are the single
best predictor of divorce.
Money buys pleasure, and it also
buys security — balancing the two