Daily Mail - 19.08.2019

Daily Mail, Monday, August 19, 2019 Page 35

always been a part of them. The

key is not to let resentment build:

try not to criticise your partner’s

family or his parenting style.

WHERE TO GO: Find a location that

reminds you of a happy time during

childhood — a family restaurant or

park you used to visit with your

parents. If you have this date at

home, make your favourite child-

hood dish. Be nostalgic. Have

beans on toast with Angel Delight

for pudding, or perhaps use your

mum’s recipe for spag bol.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Discuss the

family member you consider

closest to you — it could be a

friend or a relative. Tell each other

what it is you love about them.

can be hard for any couple. What’s

more, if one of you is working

incredibly long hours, and is

stressed by career demands, the

marriage is likely to suffer. These

things need to be discussed.

WHERE TO GO: This date should

cost nothing or as little as possible.

If you go to a restaurant, make it

one you love but where you feel

financially comfortable ordering

anything on the menu.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Remember

this topic isn’t about budgeting,

spending or money woes. It’s

about understanding what money

means to each of you and

committing to discussing money

and work honestly. Focus on all

you have rather than what you

don’t have, and don’t dwell on

past money mistakes.

ASK YOUR PARTNER: How do you

feel about work now? How do you

imagine your work changing in the

future? How can I help you feel

secure when you are worried

about money?

5. IT REALLY IS A

FAMILY AFFAIR

We oFTen have different ideas

when it comes to parenting. And

we all row about in-laws. Some

families are intensely argumenta-

tive and difficult, while others

welcome us as though we’ve

Talk about the best characteris-

tics your children share with you.

Do they get their kindness from

you, or their love of adventure or

their creativity?

ASK YOUR PARTNER: What do you

want to do to deepen our relation-

ship with our family or closest

friends? What do you love about

being a parent with me?

6. BE ADVENTUROUS
   WHen is the last time you tried
   something new together? or just
   laughed helplessly together? If
   you can’t remember, you are in
   need of a play infusion. Couples
   who play together, stay together.
   Adventure doesn’t mean climbing

mountains; it just means doing

something new and getting out of

your comfort zone, in a good way.

WHERE TO GO: This date should be

all about newness and excitement.

Be creative. Be spontaneous. Have

the entire date in the bathtub or

another body of water. Try having

your date at an unusual time for a

date — say early morning, when

you both should be at work.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Share adven-

ture stories from the past. Imag-

ine an adventure you could have

together in a day — and start plan-

ning it! Make a list of those you

want to have before you die.

ASK YOUR PARTNER: How did you

like to play when you were a child?

What’s the most fun you’ve had in

the past few years, and how can I

help recreate that fun again?

7. HOW TO GROW

OLD TOGETHER

In eveRy relationship, as in life,

the only constant is change. The

key is how each person in the

relationship accommodates

the growth of the other partner.

WHERE TO GO: For this date go to a

place that feels beautiful and

sacred to you both. It can be in- or

outdoors — a walk through an

ancient wood, a visit to an art

gallery or a wander in the park.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Complete

this questionnaire and then

compare answers:

l We share many of the same goals

in our life together. TRUE/FALSE

l My partner appreciates

my achievements. TRUE/FALSE

l My partner values the personal

goals I have that are unrelated to

our relationship. TRUE/FALSE

l At the weekend we do things we

enjoy and value, both together

and separately. TRUE/FALSE

l When I’m ill I feel taken care of

and loved by my partner.

TRUE/FALSE

l I really look forward to and

enjoy our holidays and the travel

we do together. TRUE/FALSE

ASK YOUR PARTNER: What carries

you through your most difficult

times? How do you find a sense of

peace in yourself? What decade

did you grow the most in and how

did you change?

8. LIVE THE DREAM
   DReAMS are important. your
   dreams, your partner’s dreams,
   and the dreams you have
   together. Dreaming together, and
   supporting each other in pursuing
   individual dreams, is just as
   critical for your relationship as
   trust, commitment, and sex.
   WHERE TO GO: Find a place that
   really inspires you. Have your date
   at dawn or sunset where you can
   see the horizon, or anywhere with
   a beautiful view across fields, sea
   or an exciting urban landscape. At
   home, you could have the conver-
   sation on a blanket under the
   stars in your garden.
   WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Start by
   asking your partner to describe
   their dreams for the future.
   Don’t contradict or belittle them
   or say it will never happen. There’s
   no faster way to make your part-
   ner close up than to start discuss-
   ing practicalities (it may be
   impractical but don’t say it!).
   Remember: you can’t know the
   future or what’s possible.
   ASK YOUR PARTNER: How would you
   feel if this big dream was fulfilled?
   How can I help you do it? Did you
   have any dreams for yourself when
   you were a child? Do you think your
   parents fulfilled their dreams?
   n ADAPTED from Eight Dates
   by John Gottman and Julie
   Schwartz Gottman with Doug
   Abrams and Rachel Carlton
   Abrams, published by Penguin
   Life on September 5 at £9.99.
   © Gottman and Abrams 2019. To
   order a copy for £8 (offer valid
   until September 2; P&P free on
   orders over £15), call 0844 571 0640.

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