(^32) DAILY MIRROR MONDAY 19.08.2019
DM1ST
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LOVE
SAY
DEAR COLEEN
Britain’s most straight-talking problem page
[email protected]
CAN’T GET OVER WORK AFFAIR
Dear Coleen
Last year I began an affair
with a work colleague. He
moved into my department
and we hit it off right away.
However, we are both married
and we both have young
children.
The sex was amazing, we
got on brilliantly and we have
the same sense of humour.
I’ve never cheated before,
but I was even considering
leaving my husband for him.
However, a few months ago he
called things off because he said
he was worried his wife, or our
boss, would find out.
And while things aren’t perfect
with his wife, he feels he owes it
to their children to stay and try to
make it work. I was absolutely
devastated, and now I’m finding it
really hard to move on because I
have to see him every day at
work. I can’t leave my job because
I need the money, but I’m at the
end of my tether.
I feel like a teenager with a
broken heart. What can I do?
Coleen says
Not a lot, other than remember
not to get involved with a
married man again because it
usually ends in tears. If you
really can’t change jobs, you’ll
just have to put up with the
way you’re feeling and wait
for it to pass. Like a teenager,
you just have to weather this
storm.
If you think back to your
past when you’ve been in love
before and it’s gone wrong,
you never think you’re going
to get over it but you do. It’s
just a case of time being the
best healer.
You also need to begin
focusing on your marriage to
find out if it’s fixable. Obviously
something is wrong with your
marriage if you’re having a fling.
You can’t just stay with
somebody because something
else didn’t work out, otherwise
the same thing will happen
again when you meet somebody
else. So stay and fix your
marriage, or move on.
SHE EXHAUSTS
ME WITH HER
LIFE DRAMAS
Dear Coleen
One of my best friends is doing my
head in. She’s had a really tough
time, but whenever we meet up, all
she ever does is pour her heart out
to me about all the things she’s
going through.
Her life is so full of drama – she
falls in and out of love often, she
falls out with her family, she has
issues with her boss or her family.
I feel exhausted after seeing her
and even though I’ve known her a
long time I’m beginning to lose my
patience with her and am
questioning whether the friendship
means that much to me.
After all, I have a life and
problems too, but she never even
asks me how I am.
I don’t want to fall out with her,
but how can I gently explain to her
that I’m not her therapist?
Coleen says
I’ve experienced this very same
situation myself. In fact, I think
everybody has at some point.
Sadly my friendship did come to an
end. Not in a horrible way – it just
petered out because I ended up
making excuses about why I
couldn’t meet up with her. She
moved on to somebody else, who
listened to all her problems.
For now, I suggest you limit the
time you spend together. If she
does start asking why you’re not
meeting up as often, just explain
that sometimes you just want to
chat about light-hearted things,
and not so much doom and gloom.
Explain to her that listening to
her endless dramas gets you down.
If you’re nice in the way you
explain things, I think she’ll
understand. And if not, then you
don’t have much of a friendship to
save anyway.
I am grieving the loss of
my daughter in Australia
Dear Coleen
Eleven years ago my daughter
went travelling to Australia and
ended up staying there. She’s since
married and had a son, who is
now two.
When my grandchild was a
baby, she and her husband
discussed returning to the UK for
good. They looked at villages to
live in, jobs, and put their
Australian house on the market.
My husband and I were so
excited. But then it all went very
quiet. We didn’t dare ask, but
earlier this year they bought a
new home in Australia and
explained that they were going to
stay there after all.
I’m devastated. I had planned
to take early retirement and help
my daughter look after my
grandson while she worked.
My husband has become withdrawn
and won’t discuss it other than to say
it’s something we just need to accept.
I feel a form of grief and I can’t snap
out of it. What can I do to feel better?
Coleen says
Well, I totally get it. And it’s really
hard, so you have my complete
sympathy. It’s hard enough when
adult children go off to live in
another country, but to have all the
excitement of thinking they’re going
to return home and to then have the
rug pulled out from under you must
be doubly painful.
My daughter wants to go travelling
in January and although I’m thrilled for
her, as a parent I also want to fall on
my knees and plead with her not
to go. But you can’t – as parents
we just have to accept our adult
children’s life choices.
But you can still make
this work – why not
take early retirement
anyway and have more
trips over there?
Even if it’s just you, if
your husband continues to work,
you could go and visit them
anyway. Australia is such a beau-
tiful country to visit, so take some
joy out of the lovely life they are
no doubt enjoying over there.
The weather is great and it’s a
nice outdoors life.
It’s so far away though – I
realise I’m stating the obvious by
saying it’s the other side of world.
So I understand your pain.
But your husband is right – you
have to accept their decision and try
to focus on the positives.
And remember we live in a world of
fantastic social media and technology,
so use Skype or FaceTime to see them
as much as possible.
Forget the
stereotypical view
of old married couples
bickering. According to
a new study published
in the journal Emotion,
bickering decreases
the longer a couple
are married.
The peak time for
marital arguments is
when people are
raising young children,
as that’s when
childcare and finances
cause the most strain.
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EMAIL: [email protected]
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