S MAGAZINE ★ 11 AUGUST 2019 23
Actress and comedian Arabella, 61, lives in north London Words by Kirsten Jones
Not a lot of people know this but I’m very
good at... letters of complaint. I’m pretty
articulate and I’ve always used rather
old-fashioned words to make them think
they’ve got a nightmare on their hands. Little
do I appreciate... well, can you imagine? The
voice of my great aunt, who is long dead, is in
my head while I write them. Just to be clear,
I only write these letters when I’m in the right.
My best friends are... the two girls I was at
school with. We all came from crazy families
and that’s how we found each other. Also
David Tennant and his wife, a historian
called Helen Castor and my neighbour Jane.
I couldn’t have managed my life or raised
my children without them.
My nickname is... Arry. You have to know me
very well to use it. I was given the name at
school. People often get confused. I don’t
look much of an Arry now and I don’t think
I’m much like an Arabella either.
The bravest thing I’ve ever done is... nursing
my best friend Helen as she died from cancer.
To be perfectly honest there was quite a lot of
bodily fluids. It was revolting but I switched off.
I didn’t want her to die, but she needed me.
I’m not sure brave is the right word. It’s just
what you do when you love someone.
My favourite TV show is... Breaking Bad.
The kids were probably a little bit too young
for it but we watched it all together. Oh my
God, I loved that show.
My perfect evening is... hanging out with
my friends, and my kids if they were willing
to stay, is my idea of perfection.
I’d like to say sorry to... my beloved
granny from Melrose in the Scottish Borders.
I adored her but I didn’t see her as much
because we lived so far away.
My first kiss was... absolutely thrilling, and
the first time I kissed with tongues. I was
about 12 years old and convinced I was
doing it wrong. That’s a lesson for life isn’t
it. You think everyone else knows – whatever
it is – but the truth is, they don’t. It was
with a boy called Gillis and I don’t think
he was very keen on me.
The one thing I’d change about myself is...
my tendency to be introspective. I’m hyper
self-critical, which I think most performers
are. It’s been the fuel of most of my comedy.
While self-criticism is an incredibly useful
tool, you don’t want to nit-pick the whole time.
I’m afraid I do that a bit.
The last time I cried was... I was trying toget my son to teach me the dance that Drake
does in one of his videos. I do a bit of it in
my Fringe show as a joke, obviously. My son
snapped a bit and I burst into tears. He was
ridiculously bemused.
The best thing my parents taught me was...
not much. The only thing they taught me was
a work ethic. They did it too much in my case.
You need to earn your place in society,
community and at work.
The first record I ever bought was... Hey
Hey We’re The Monkees. I’m just too young
to have been a Beatles fan, so I loved
The Monkees.
It’s not good for my image but I like...
alcohol. I love wine but it doesn’t love me, as
my granny used to say. It doesn’t have control
over me but I’d find it quite easy to be an
addict. If there were no problems with it, I’dopen a bottle and sit in front of the telly all
day. I see the appeal of obliteration.
My greatest weakness is... Judge Judy.
I don’t like reality shows. I think they’re
appalling and debasing of the world, but
Judge Judy offers willing participants and a
resolution. She’s an absolute genius.
If I could pass any law I would... get rid
of all private and funded religious schools
and make all education state. One of the
biggest problems we have in this country
is education. We should have a “one size
fits all” system.
I drive... a Nissan Qashqai. It’s not diesel
and it’s incredibly efficient. I love it, even
though I look like a rural vicar in it.
The shop I can’t walk past is... Marks &
Spencer. I can always find something I want in
there. My first job was as a checkout girl at
the Camden Town shop. I loved it.The most expensive thing I’ve ever splashed
out on is... my kids’ university education.
It’s money well spent. It doesn’t seem
as expensive as their rent. I’m spending
a decent wage a week on rooms in houses.
In a film, I would be played by... Miranda
Hart. Although we’re not that similar
physically, she feels like me.
The worst job I’ve ever done is... After I left
Marks & Spencer, I worked in a cake shop in
Soho. I had to wipe down the glass that the
cakes were behind. The woman that ran
it made us go over the tops of the iced buns
with the same cloth to get the sheen back.
That was not on.
My perfect Sunday is... a big lunch that
goes on all day with friends, family and kids.
We’d all be flopping around on the sofa
and playing games.
My favourite place in Britain is... Plockton
in the Highlands. It’s the most magical
place in the world. My mother’s uncle lived
there but he was killed in the First World
War. His widow stayed. When we went to
Scotland to see our grannies, we’d travel
further to see her. It’s in the Gulf Stream
so it’s unusually warm for Scotland. We’d
go to the beach and the seals would come
right up and play.
My last holiday was... It’s always Italy. My
mother lived there in the late 40s and the
woman she shared the flat with stayed and
married an Italian. When we weren’t in
Scotland we’d holiday with them in Florence.
It’s my other home from home.
I’m currently reading... Poverty Safari by
Darren McGarvey. It’s about the divide in
Glasgow. I’m fascinated by how the fifth
richest country in the world can still have
that level of poverty.
The best day of my life was... when my
children were born. I was statistically
old when I became a mother so I felt
incredibly lucky when my daughter and
my son were born.
If I had half an hour left on Earth I’d... ring
up everybody I love and tell them not to be
upset but to celebrate my life, know how
much I love them and how important it is to
make the most of your opportunities.Arabella Weir: Does My Mum Loom Big in This?
is on at the Assembly, George Square Studio 2,
Edinburgh, from tomorrow to August 25, at
4pm. For tickets, see edfringe.com.“My nickname
is Arry. You
have to know
me very well
to use it”
●SMIKE LAWN / SOLO SYNDICATION