Dumbo Feather – July 2019

What Next?

A facilitated moment with Matt Wicking

We’veallhadthefeelingofbeingleftout,orunappreciated.It canhitusphysically—likefree-falling.

Orproduce a deep, gnawing knot that draws us inwards and away. And we’ve all experienced the opposite;

the sense of inclusion, of warmth, of coming home—be it to some place, person or group. We humans share

a longing to belong. To feel accepted as part of something bigger than ourselves. We exist as part of families,

friendship groups and other communities. We also belong to physical places—to the landscapes we grow

up and live in—and to the broader web of life. It’s only through relating to life beyond ourselves that we are

defined. Just as black makes no sense without white. Up without down. Me without you and everyone else we

know. We dream each other into being. And so we find wholeness through reciprocity and connection.

Matt Wicking is a facilitator, speaker and changemaker supporting progressive

groups through his freelance practice, Cloud Catcher. More at cloudcatcher.org

A Rationale

Often we reflect on the gaps in our lives and wish things were different. But here I suggest that somewhere between

what we long for and what we love are clues for our own action. We can’t control others, to be sure. But we always have

some agency when it comes to belonging. While the state of our relationships are so very critical to our wellbeing—

Maslow placed belonging immediately above safety and basic physiological needs—it seems it can be an easy need

to neglect. But just like seeking water, food, shelter and safety, if we want to increase our sense of belonging, it won’t

happen on its own. We create it through the contributions we make. When we step away or retract from a relationship,

we raise a question about its quality. And when we contribute something to that relationship, we confirm its strength.

The modern world of capitalism, resource extraction and human exceptionalism, of competition and individualism,

can trick us into imagining that belonging is some kind of a bonus; a nice-to-have addition to a life lived well. But that’s

not true. Belonging is our very essence. It is our birthright, there for receiving if only we are willing to give to it.

APattern

Asa facilitator,I seeupclosethethingsthatfosteror

inhibita senseofbelongingeveryday.I noticewhat

happenswhenpeoplelistendeeplytoeachotherand

givegenerouslytothegroupthey’rea partof.I watchthe

resilienceofthegroupflourish,noticethegrowingrichness

offeelingina room,andobservetheformingoflong-

lastingbonds.I alsoseegroupsstruggletocollaborate

orcompromiseif theyhaven’tformedtrustingbonds.

Iseethemissedopportunityfordeeperconnectionwhen

somethingimportantissharedintoa groupthatno-one

acknowledges.I seepeopleretractfrombelongingin

response.Soofteninthissetting,I’veobservedthe

profoundwaythattheintentiona personbringstothe

group—theirwillingnesstobeopenandtoofferthings

thatbenefitothersaheadofthemselves—impactson

theirabilitytoconnectmeaningfullywithothers.Itoften

has a striking impact on the broader group as well,

deepening the possibility of belonging for everyone.

A Suggestion

When have you felt belonging? Recall a moment now.

• Whoisthere?Andwhatisyourrelationshiptothem?


• Howdotheyengagewithyou?Whatdotheysayordo?


• As you consider it, is there a place this sense of belonging
  shows up in your body? What does it feel like?

Now consider where in your life you long for belonging.

Take a moment to let something arise.

• What is it that you wish someone would do for
  youtobringaboutmorebelonging?


• If it’s something you need—some comfort, gratitude
  orappreciation—startbygivingit toyourself.


• If it’s something you wish you had—perhaps a
  closeness or a depth of relating with a person or a
  group—consider what it is that you could offer or
  give that would promote that in the relationship.

114 DUMBO FEATHER