Justreallytryingtofindthosebeautifulexamples.Andamplifyingthemasbig and bright
asI possiblycaninmyownmindandinmyconversations.It’snot 100 percentof the time.
It’sbeena realhabitformetobreakactually.Byshiftingthenarrativeandtheframing.
ButI reallybelievewearemeanttofeelloved,we’remeanttofeelconnected,we’re meant
tofeellikewebelongtogether.Andit’sa bigpartofthat.It just gets
worse. And
the fear of it
is sometimes
worse than it
itself.I wasspeakingtoa beautifulElderlast night who is
theepitomeofthepeacekeeperinthis community
inMelbourne.Hesaid,“Therearemeetings where
I justdon’tshowup.BecauseI’mcranky that day.
AndI donotgotoanythingcranky.”[Laughs].I waslike,Oh,that’ssobeautiful! And this is
a manwhogrewupinthemostnotoriousboyshomeashewasstolenfromhis mum as a
baby.Likehe’sgoteveryreasontobeangry.FarmorethanwhatI do.Buthe’slike, “I will
notbringthatversionofmyselftoanypublicconduct.”Sohedoesstayhomeand meditate
thatday.There’snothingwrongwiththat.Infactit’skeyforthekindofurgent work that’s
needednow.Becauseit’snotlikeyoucanbeina cargoing 100 kilometresanhour and
suddenlyturnaroundanddoa U-turnandnotcrash.Sotheslowingdownand the stillness
isneeded.I feelthesamewayasyoudo,I completelyunderstandthosedayswhere it’s all
racinginonedirectionreallyfastandthere’ssomuchmomentumbehindthose thoughts
andfeelings.Andthey’rethedayswhereit’sjustlike,youhavetolaylowtoday, you have
tonottrytostopthisstorybutjustslowitdowna littlebit.Becausetotryandstop it, you’d
jackknife[laughs].Yeah.Because
we’redoers. And
sometimes the
doingundoes us.Totally.It’sthemostridiculous
thingthatwedo.Whydo we do that?Whatdoyoudowithanger?BecauseI reallyrelatetotheideaofyourownvibration,your
ownfieldaroundyou.Mytoleranceforwilfullyunconsciouspeopleisverylow.Asmyson
wouldsay,I’ma ragemonster.AndI knowthatI amlove.I actuallylovehumanity.I loveand
I’ma ragemonsterwhenthere’sallthesepeoplewalkingaroundgoing,“I’mnotgoingtobe
responsibleforanythingI do.AndI don’twanttoevenhavea thought.”And,“Geezyou’re
reallydeep.Ohthat’sverydeep.”I’mlike,“Whatthefuckiseveryonetalkingabout?I want
toknowwhatyoureallythink.I wanttoknowwhatyoureallyfeel.Showuptoyourself.Show
uptotheworld.Showuptothismoment.”SoI getthisragemonsterintoleranceaboutit and
I feelreallyjuicyinthereinthatI’mjustified,there’sa battlethatI’mraginginthemoment
thatI’mfeelingthekindof,“fuckyou”rageofit.Like,fuckingecosystemsarecollapsing
andspeciesarebecomingextinct,like,howlouddoesthecallinghavetobeforeverybody
toshowthefuckuptowhatwecando,whowecanbecollectively?I knowit takeswork.
Iknow you have to be able to tolerate the pain and the suffering. ’Cause you’re talking about
an ability to lean into the pain like in labour, like in birth. My home-birthing midwife was like,
“breathe into it,” like, “sit in that pain because if you try and run away you’ll just want drugs.”Yeah. It is an information force that can take us into
birthing life. So I’m struggling with my anger, makes me
want to stay home and meditate until it goes away.I really love that. I went to my osteopath yesterday. And I hadn’t seen him in months
and he’s a really gifted guy. He’s called Choppy. And he’s divine. I went to him and I was
like, “bleh-leh-l-leh-leh-leh-leh! All the things! And I’ve got to do all this stuff! Ah-dit-
dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-deh!” And he goes, “You’re very adrenalised.” [Laughs].Amen sister. And then I got on his table and I was a little bit, “Fuck you,”
and mostly going, “You’re right, I’m spinning on my own top.” Then I
got off his table what felt like two minutes later. And he had shut my
nervous system down—it went to like a reboot place. I slept last night
like I haven’t slept in months. And we can feel guilty for slowing down.44
LYDIA FAIRHALL
DUMBO FEATHER