Test in all senses of the word. It was
an extraordinary achievement by the
disgraced former skipper, returning
for his first Test in nearly a year and a
half. He has emerged as an outstand-
ing Test batsman — in his concentra-
tion and commitment, and the very
seriousness with which he takes the
game, steering his team from 122 for
eight in the first innings to a thump-
ing victory over England. He is now
one of the all-time greats, the succes-
sor to Victor Trumper, Don Bradman
and Steve Waugh. We should be cel-
ebrating the fact that we are able to
watch such a master in action.
Smith’s treatment by Test Match
Special, for sure a fine national insti-
tution, was bizarre. Rather than a
serious assessment of his remarkable
abilities, with the occasional lapidary
phrase as we might have been treat-
ed to by John Arlott or Trevor Bailey,
there was some inconsequential driv-
el cued by social media about how to
get rid of him, as if he was an infec-
tious disease. Stand at short leg and
tell jokes or feed him a ‘dodgy break-
fast’ was the solution. Honestly, what
rubbish. Social media has a great deal
to answer for.
On the final morning of the game,
an epic period with England trying
to save an historic Test match (and
Jason Roy quite possibly his career),
TMS seemed to want to discuss some
long-forgotten game at Trent Bridge.
Arlott called cricket ‘the great trivi-D
uring the World Cup (remem-
ber that?), Virat Kohli, the
very model of a modern
major cricketer, appealed to Indian
fans not to boo the returned Austral-
ian players. It would be nice to think
that Joe Root might call for some-
thing similar over the next few days
from the increasingly egregious Eng-
lish supporters. Current boo-boy tac-
tics haven’t worked particularly well
so far. Part of the problem has been
the sanctification of Edgbaston as
if it was the cricketing equivalent of
Notre Dame. Now the sight of a lot
of pissed-up Brummies dressed as
parrots and chanting ‘Championes,
championes...’ seems to be England’s
contribution to the summer game.
Besides anything else, the swing into
cricket of practically mind-dead foot-
ball chanting is just depressing, no?
So squads of current and former
English players smiling wryly and
talking of ‘Fortress Edgbaston’ on
the eve of the first Ashes Test seems
to have had the opposite effect of that
intended. This Edgbaston Test was
momentous; but it was Steve Smith’s
ality’ but he understood its impor-
tance. He venerated the game, and
could bring it to life. Momentarily it
seemed our broadcasters were una-
ble to find the language to recognise
and describe this great encounter.
For sure Smith had clearly gone
slightly bonkers at the beginning of
last year, stuck in a win-at-all-costs
culture when he allowed his team
to take sandpaper on to the pitch
in South Africa. He should also
have coughed immediately, and he
shouldn’t perhaps have wept so copi-
ously on TV. But since then he has
shown extreme contrition; he has
served his time. And let us not forget
that great and not-so-great players
have since prelapsarian times been
fiddling with the ball.
Any true English cricket lover
has to acknowledge that Smith is a
great hero; he has achieved some-
thing which all of us who admire the
game should find incredibly moving.
He has also, almost on his own, set
up what could be a truly momentous
Ashes series. As for England? Well
this is tricky, especially without James
Anderson and short of a spinner. But,
as we have been banging on about
for some time, why not recall Ben
Foakes, a first-rate keeper and a very
good batsman especially in the lower
order where he has marshalled many
a fightback for Surrey. And give poor
Moeen Ali a break. He looks done in.
And stop the booing.Q. A friend constantly walks
around with his bootlaces
undone. His wife declines to nag
him on the grounds she doesn’t
want to be in a ‘co-dependent
relationship’. We all enjoy this
man’s company but we cannot
work out whether his habit is
attention-seeking (for example
he often has to kick his legs out at
right angles when walking while
carrying a lot of equipment)
or just a manifestation of his
natural slobbishness. Either way
it will not make for a restful
atmosphere in a forthcomingweek-long fishing party. What
do you suggest?
— S.H., Church Stretton, SalopA. Get hold of the boots while
the irritator is in bed and tie each
single lace up in a tightly knotted
double bow to stand smartly, but
not dangling, by the eyelets on
either side. The laces will be still
intact should he want to do them
up — but, since he never does, it
will be no inconvenience to him.Q. The experience of your
correspondent O.R. (Dear Mary,
3 August) of not being asked a
single question at dinner is not
confined to politician neighbours:
a lady friend of mine sat next
to a man who, similarly, asked
her nothing until, somewhat
begrudgingly towards the end
of the meal, said: ‘And what do
you do?’ Completely fed up withhis rudeness, the friend, who is
in her sixties, replied: ‘Oh, I’m a
hostess; my husband’s income is
just too small to cover our costs
so I have to find other ways.’ This
stimulated the conversation!
— P.F., Mere, WiltsA. Thank you for sharing this tip.
What a marvellous punishment
she meted out. The timing was
crucial,of course; it had to be done
in the last moments of their sitting
together so he wouldn’t have time
to find holes in her claims. Instead
he — anyone — would have been
kicking themself at having left it
too late to request the spicy details.Q. A few times a year I travel to
Rome on business where I spend
time with a team of 12 colleagues.
I always receive a warm welcome.
Upon arrival at their office they
each proceed to stand from theirdesks in unison and to greet me
with a double-cheek kiss, forming
a receiving line in doing so. This
becomes a lengthy and repetitive
process resulting in the receiving
of each individual’s welcome
feeling formulaic — I also feel
more than a little awkward at
being on show. How best to
reduce this anxiety while not
wishing to reject their warmth?
— P.B., London, NW1A. There is truth in the predictable
answer when in Rome — but is
this really a problem or are you
subconsciously using Dear Mary
as a means to proclaim your
popularity? If you are bothered
by the display of affection (or
politeness) you can side-step it by
saying you have been in Africa
recently and your doctors have
advised minimal physical contact.
Otherwise grin and bear it.Spectator Sport
Stop booing Steve
Smith – he’s a hero
Roger Alton
We s h o u l d b e
celebrating
the fact that
we are able
to watch
such a master
in actionDEAR MARY YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED