You South Africa – 08 August 2019

I’m 20 andfindit difficulttolovemy-

self,behappyandjustlivea little.I feel

I havenopurpose.I findmyselflooking

atpeopleonsocialmediaandtheirlivesseem

soperfect.Minejustseemsbad.

I don’tbelieveinmeanymoreandfeelI don’t

havethestrengthorthepotentialtoachieve

mydreams.I’vemadesomanymistakesand

keepwonderingwhatI shouldhavedone

differently.

I constantlywishI couldgobacktomypast

asa differentpersonanddothingsdifferently.

I sayI lackpurposebutI’mjustafraidtofight

forwhatreallymatterstome.I mightfailand

thenpeoplewilljudgeme.

I reallydon’tknowhowtolivemylifeany-

more.I’mtryingsohardtobesomeoneelse

butI’mnothappy.

Despondent,email

You’renottheonlypersonwho’smademis-

takesinthepastandyouwon’tbethelast.

Humanbeingsmakemistakes– it’showwe

learn.Somakingmistakesisanimportantpartof

ourdevelopment.

Itsoundsasifyou’resufferingfromperfor-

manceanxiety.Whenyouhavethistypeofanxie-

ty,you’resoafraidofmakinga mistakethatit

paralysesyouandyoudonothingratherthanrisk

whatyouperceiveas“messingup”.Theresultis

youdonothingsoyoumakenoprogress.

Performanceanxietycandevelopbecauseof

mistakesyou’vemadeinthepastandareoverly

anxiousaboutmakingagain.Youneedtoseek

professionalpsychologicalhelptogetpastthis.

Apsychologistcanhelpyoutogainsomeconfi-

denceagainandnotbesoafraidtomakingmis-

takes.Youneedtoseemistakesaspartoflifeand

anopportunitytolearnvaluablelessons.

Thepsychologistcanalsohelpyoutobeless

fearfulofotherpeople’sjudgment.Youalsoneed

tostopcomparingyourlifetowhatyouseeon

socialmedia.Peopleonlypostwhattheywantyou

toseesoit’sa skewedorrathera one-dimensional

viewofreality.

I’MTRYINGHARDTO

BESOMEONEELSE

I’m 47 andmarriedwith

threesons.I lovemywife

andfamilyandamgenerally

happybutonethingthatbothers

meis thatwhenit comestosexmy

wifeseemstohavesomeissues.

Shedoesn’tliketoopenherlegs

wideandthishamperssexualinter-

course.WhatcanI do?

Ata loss,email

Yourwife’sproblemmight

beduetosexualtraumashe

experiencedwhenshewas

younger,suchasbeingsexuallyabused

asa child.Itcouldalsostemfroma

verystrictreligiousupbringingwhich

hasleftherwiththeunconsciousbelief

thatsexualintercourse is wrong, even

withinmarriage.

It’sverylikelyshe has deeply held

ideasembeddedin her subconscious

thatareaffecting her experience of

sexandtherefore your sex-life.

Thisisnotsomething your wife will

beabletoresolve on her own or even

withyou.

I suggesttrying to get her to see a

therapisttohelpher get to the root

oftheproblem.Seeing that the issue

issexual,youcan suggest she consults

witha sextherapist.

Apsychologist trained in sex therapy

canhelpyourwife explore her beliefs

aboutsexualityand get her to examine

herfeelingsaround it.

MyboyfriendandI meta

yearagoanditwasloveat

firstsightforbothofus.Our

earlytimetogetherwasincredibly

romanticandI couldn’twaittosee

himeachday.I thoughthewasthe

mostwonderfulmanI’devermet–

thoughtful,kind,lovingandprotec-

tiveofme.Hetoldmehewasdi -

vorcedandimpliedit wasbecause

hiswifehadhadanaffairandleft

himtomarryherlover.

Thena friendtoldmethisisn’t

trueasheknowstheex-wife’ssister.

Hesaidtherealreasontheygotdi -

vorcedwasbecausemyboyfriend

wastheonewhohadanaffair.I

confrontedhimandhedeniesit

andsaysthey’relying.

Sincethentheromancehasdis-

appearedasI simplydon’ttrusthim

anymore.WhereverwegoI watch

himlikea hawktoseeif he’sflirting

withanyone.It’smademesullen,

uptightandunabletorelax.What

canI do?

Lesly,email

Yourtrust in your boyfriend has

beenshaken, which is under-

standable.

Butevenifhedid have an affair,

youdon’tknowwhat the quality of

themarriagewas or how his ex-wife

treatedhim.Also, even if he did have

anaffairitdoesn’t mean he’s a habitual

cheater.

Inordertobuild trust again, you

needtotalkopenly about the subject

withhimandyou need to be guided

byyourgutinstinct as well as how he

behaves.Leavethe past in the past,

givehimthebenefit of the doubt and

focusontherelationship between the

twoofyou.

Watchinghimlikea hawkwon’t

necessarilypreventhimcheatingon

youifhe’sintentondoingso.Also,

beingsullenanduptight will only ruin

yourrelationship in the long run.

Focusonthepresent and enjoy

what’shappening now. The past can’t

bechangedandthe future is unpredict-

able.Don’twriteyour own unhappy

scriptforthefuture.

‘Trustyourself.Createthekind of self you

willbehappytolivewithallyour life.

Makethemostofyourselfbyfanning the

tinyinnerpartsofpossibilityinto flames

ofachievement’– ISRAELIPRIMEMINISTER GOLDA MEIR

ASK DR

LOUISE

Write to Dr Louise, PO Box 39410, Moreletapark 0044,

or email [email protected].

MY WIFE HAS SEXUAL HANG-UPS

THE ROMANCE IS GONE

48 | 8 AUGUST 2019 you.co.za

YOU LIFESTYLE