You South Africa – 08 August 2019

PAYINGTHEPRICE
A man is at Joburg’s Park Station waiting for
his train that’s leaving at 6pm, but he has left
his watch at home. So he looks for someone
to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two
suitcases and sporting a fabulous hi-tech
watch, so he asks him for the time.
The guy says, “Sure, which country?”
“How many countries have you got?”
“All the countries of the world!”
“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got
there.”
“That’s nothing. This watch also has a GPS
facility, fax and email and can even receive
DStv channels and display them on its minia-
ture active colour pixel LCD screen.”
“That’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like
that. You wouldn’t consider selling it by any
chance?”
“If you want it it’s yours for R3 000.”
The traveller can hardly whip out his cheque
book fast enough.
Thesellertakesoffthewatchandgives
ittohim.“Congratulations,hereisyournew
hi-techwatch.”Then,handingthetwosuit-
cases over as well, he says, “And here are the
batteries.”

THREE’S A CROWD
Two priests are speeding on a motorcycle.
They’re promptly stopped by a traffic officer
who says, “What do you think you’re doing?
What if you have an accident?”
One of the priests says, “Don’t worry, my
son. Jesus is with us.”
The officer replies, “In that case, I have to
ticket you. Three people aren’t allowed to ride
on a motorcycle.”

DOCTOR, DOCTOR
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Stick your foot out and trip it up.

FOUL PLAY
Two brothers are bored on a lazy summer day
and decide it would be a good prank to push
over the portable toilet in their backyard.
They creep up to it and topple it onto its
side then hightail it into the nearby woods.
They emerge a good distance away, weave
around the neighbourhood and return home
an hour later from a different direction, trying
to divert suspicion from themselves.
When they get home, their father is waiting
for them with a switch in his hand. “Did you
two push the toilet over this afternoon?” he
bellows.
The older boy says, “As learnt at school,
I can’t tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over
the toilet this afternoon.”
At this confession, the father gives his sons
10 of the best each and sends them to bed
without supper.
In the morning the boys timidly approach
the breakfast table and take their seats.

Everythingisquietuntiltheirfatherfinally

says,“Haveyoutwolearntyourlesson?”

“Yes,Dad,”saystheolderbrother.“Butat

schoolwelearntthatGeorgeWashington

admittedtohisfatherthathe’dchopped

downa cherrytreeandhewasforgiven

becausehe’dtoldthetruth.”

“Ah,yes,”saysthefather.“ButGeorge’sdad

wasn’tinthecherrytreewhenhechoppedit

down!”

HUMOROUSINSULTS

SMybirthday’scomingup.Doyouknowwhat

I need?”

Yes,buthowdoyougiftwrapa life?

SHaveyouconsideredsuingyourbrainsfor

non-support?

SSomedayyou’llfindyourself– andwish

thatyouhadn’t.

SYoumakemebelieveinreincarnation.

Nobody canbeasstupidasyouinjustone

lifetime.

SAre youalwaysthisstupidorareyoujust

making a specialefforttoday?

SYou’re darkandhandsome;whenit’sdark,

you’re handsome.

SWife: Youhatemyrelatives!

Husband:No,I don’t!Infact,I likeyour

mother-in-lawmorethanI likemine.

OFF THEMARK

At the endofourfirstdatethegirltoldmeI

was crazyintheheadandI shouldbecommit-

ted to a mentalinstitution.Whydowomen

always wantustomakea commitment?

• Unknown

CAMERA-SHY

An old mansaystohisgrandson,“Youknow,

in the goodolddaysyoucouldgotoa store

with 25 centsandgeta loafofbread,a dozen

eggs,a watermelonanda brand-newbike.But

todayyoucan’tdothat.Nope... therearejust

waytoomanysurveillancecameras.

UNDERTHEINFLUENCE

SWhydidthewomangetontheroofofthe

bar?

She’dhearddrinkswereonthehouse.

SBumpersticker:I’mnotasthinkasyou

drunkI am.

SMenarelikecoolers– loadthemwithbeer

andyoucantakethemanywhere.

SBeautyisintheeyeofthebeerholder.

SI saynotoalcohol,itjustdoesn’tlisten.

SAmanwalksintoa barobviouslystone

drunkandasksthebarmantogivehima drink.

Thebarmansays,“Sorry,I can’tdothat.

You’veobviouslyalreadyhada littletoomuch

todrink.”

Fumingmadthedrunkwalksoutthefront

doorbutcomesbackinthroughthesidedoor.

“CanI havea drinkplease?”hesays.

“Sorryyoucan’thavea drinkhere,”the

barmansays.

Thedrunkleavesbutwalksina whilelater

throughthebackdoor.“CanI pleasehavea

drink?”

“Enough!”thebarmanscreams.“Itoldyou:

nodrinks!”

Thedrunklooksatthebarmanclosely

andexclaims:“Darn!Howmanybarsdoyou

workat?”

IDLETHOUGHTS

SWhat’sanotherwordforThesaurus?

SI don’tapproveofpoliticaljokes... I’veseen

toomanyofthemgetelected.

SI getenoughexercisejustpushingmyluck!

SNothingpoliticaliscorrect.

SI’ma nobody,nobody’sperfect,therefore

I’mperfect.S

“Don’t take that DNA test, Loretta! You might find you have more

family out there somewhere.”

PRESS FEATURES

you.co.za 8 AUGUST 2019 | (^57)
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