Hyper – August 2019

how to

Soyouwanttojointheesteemedranks

ofvideogameguards,doyou?Be

warned,it’sa toughlife.Thehoursare

long,theworkis repetitive,andconstant

vigilanceis a must.Andthenthere’sthe

badPRtoconsider.

Foreverbeingthrottled,stabbed,shot

andblownup,andusuallywithoutthe

slightestwarningbara slightshuffling

noisein theshadowsbehindthem,

peopletendtoassumethatournoble

troopsarea bitstupid.They’renot.

They’rejusttrainedin a veryparticular

way.Andif youwanttojointhem,you’ll

havetogetwiththatprogramsharpish.

Readon,andwe’lltakeyou through the

officialtrainingmanual.

KEEPYOURBACK

TOANYOPENDOORWAY

Youdefinitelydon’twanttobelooking

towardstheentrancetotheroomyou’re

guarding.Why?Becauseanythingand

anyoneworthprotectingwillbein the

middleofit ofcourse!That’swhere

anywould-bethieforassassinwillbe

heading,sothat’swhereyouwantto

look.Thatinbounddoorwayortunnel

entrance?Nothingtoseethere.Turn

yourbacktoit andpayit noheed.

What’stheworstthatcouldhappen?

KNOWYOURPATROLROUTEAND

NEVERDEVIATEFROMIT

Routineis thebackboneofvigilance.

If you’regoingtoguarda room,cave,

courtyardorrepurposedAlaskanmilitary

base,you’llneedtosticktotheplan.

Patrolroutesaretherefora reason.You

absolutelymustfollowthepreciseline

andpatroltimingdesignatedtoyou,

andyouabsolutelymustsynchronise

yourmovementswiththoseofyour

colleaguesoneverysinglecircuit.What’s

that,yousay?Everythreeloopsyouend

upleavinga briefgaprightdownthe

middleoftheroom,beforeendingupall

alonein a darkcorner?Nonsense.We’ve

had out best military strategists working

onthisformonthswitha sheetofgraph

paperanda stopwatch. Don’t think. Obey.

DEFINITELYHANG

AROUNDNEARSHADOWS

It shouldn’tsurpriseyoutofindthatwe

havea vastarrayofdark,gloomycorners

in thefacility.Afterall,if everywherewas

well-lit,wewouldn’tneedsecurityguards

in thefirstplace,wouldwe?AndGod

knowsit’scheapertopayyouguysthan

tobuya newbulb.Sodefinitely,definitely

hangoutnearanylargeexpanses

ofshadowyoufind.Muchlikethose

doorwaysthough,trytokeepyourbackto

anyobviouspatchesofdarkness.Asweall

know,there’snothingtoseein thedark,so

you’dbewastingyourtimelookingintoit.

Andwhatwouldbethepointofthat?

USEANYPOTENTIALEXPLOSIVESAS

GROUPMEETINGPOINTS

If youabsolutelymuststoppatrolling

andstandstill,please,pleasedosonear

anylargeexplosiveobjectthatmaybe

in theroom.Thatstuffis dangerous,soit

needsasmanypeoplelookingafterit as

possible,ascloselyaspossible.Fireworks,

fuelbarrels,cars...Anythingthatmight

blowupis somethingyoushouldberight

ontopof,ideallywitha smallgroupof

colleagues.Oh,andif youcouldmake

surethatyou’realllookingin thesame

directionasyoudothis,thatwouldbe

great.If anythreatdoespresentitself,

wewantasmanyeyesonit andreadyto

reactaspossible.

Howdoweknowthatyou’llbelooking

in therightdirection?Easy.Checkif you

canseetheentrancetotheroomyou’rein.

If youcan’t,you’relookingtherightway.

CLIFFTOPS,WATERANDHIGH

WINDOWSAREYOURFRIENDS

Guardingis a stressfulbusiness.Weget

that.Andbecauseweneedyourminds

sharp,wewanttohelpyoutomaintain

a healthy,well-adjusted,efficientmental

state. So you should occasionally take

sometimeouttorelaxandtakein the

biggerpicture.Maybepausetoappreciate

natureandtheawesomebeautyallaround

you.Wefindthatstaringatwaterreally

helps.It’sbestif youstandverycloseto

theedgeformaximumeffect.Wealso

recommendtheawe-inspiringvistas

providedbycliffedgesandhighwindows.

Makesurethatthelatterarewideopen

firstthough,for total clarity of viewing

experience.

ITWASPROBABLYJUSTTHEWIND

Seriously.Justthewind.Thewindcan

soundlikeanything,youknow.Breath,

footsteps,thecreakingofa door,small

armsfire,explosions,thedrivingofa

heavilyarmedmotorvehicleThebreeze

is morethancapableofsoundinglikeall

ofthesethingsandmore.Don’tworry.

Evenif youthinkyoucanactivelyseean

unauthorisedintruderwitha gunrightin

frontofyou,thechancesarethatthat’s

thejustthewindaswell.A windmirage.

Thewindcandothose.Butif you’resure

therereallyis something untoward

goingon...

IFYOUSERIOUSLYSUSPECTA

DISTURBANCE,IGNOREIT.

ITWILLGOAWAY

Ontherareoccasionsthata perceived

threatisn’tjusta blusteryfigmentofyour

fetid,over-activeimagination,there’sa

simplecourseofactiontofollow.Ignore

it. Ohofcourse,byallmeanshavea brief,

cursorylookif doingsowillsetyour

mindatrest.Butgiveit 30secondstoa

minuteatmost,thengostraightbackto

yourpreviousbusiness.If weshowfear,

thentheterroristshavealreadywon.If,

however,weshowthemthatwe’rejustnot

reallythatbotheredabouttheirassault

onourpropertyandpeople,thenthe

oppositionwillbecomeintimidatedbyour

nonchalanceandwillprobablyjustleave.

IFATTACKED,DON’TCAUSEA FUSS

Okay, absolute worst case scenario. There

HOW TO BE A VIDEO GAME GUARD:

A PROFESSIONAL GUIDE

It’snotincompetence. It’s just very special training.

David Houghton