Next New Zealand – September 2019

P

resenting to school parents

recently, I had a strange

experience.Lookingoutacross

thehall,I sawa motherstroking

her daughter’s cheek, her teenage

daughterrespondingbyrestingherhead

onhermother’schest;a fatherleaningin,

smilingandtearful,listeningspellbound

to his young daughter describe his

strengths;a familyoffourbeamingat each

other,movingintoa tightlittlegroupas

they spoke. Not your average parent

eveningatyouraverageKiwihighschool.

The staff present encouraged me to

extendtheactivity,saying,“Theyneverget

todothis,and it’ssogood– justlookat

them.”I wasmovedtotears.

Whatwasgoing onhere?We’d simply

asked people to share with the person

beside them the positive qualities or

strengthstheyseeintheirparentorchild.

It’s a simple activity that taps into

important ndings from recentscience:

beingabletonoticestrengthsinourselves,

andeachother,hasthepowertotransform

ourrelationshipsandourwellbeing.

TAKE NOTICE

Taking a strengths approach is about

payingattentionandnoticingwhatis right

withyou,thepeoplearoundyou,andthe

situationsyoundyourselfin.Theability

todoallthreematters.Mostpeoplecan

easilypointto theirweaknesses, peeling

offa listofthethingstheydon’tdowell,

theirawsandwhat’smissingfromtheir

life. However,when I ask,‘Whatdoyou

love doing and frequently do well?’,

conversationstendtodryup– peopleare

by Dr Denise Quinlan

RESILIENCE

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, concentrate on what’s right

• it’s a wellbeing transformer, says Dr Denise Quinlan

STRENGTH

Photography

Getty Images and supplied

GIVE ME

embarrassed to share their strengths.

Oftentheyhaven’tgivenit muchthought

• ‘bignoting’notexactlyanadmiredKiwi
  pastime.But,if youdon’tknowwhat’sbest
  aboutyou,howcanyoubringyourbestto
  yourrelationships,toyourwork,toyour
  homelife?
  A fundamental premise of the new
  science of wellbeing is the notion that
  whatis rightandgoodwithusis atleastas
  real and important aswhat goes wrong
  withus.Whenwefocusonwhatis right–
  our positive qualities and strengths –
  importantchangestakeplaceintheway
  wefunction.Eveninthebrain.Whenwe
  shiftourattentiontowhat’sright(rather
  than what’s wrong), we nd it easier to
  build connections withothers, and over
  time can build a greater sense of self-
  condence and optimism. All of these
  changes are associated with greater
  wellbeingandengagementinlife– that’s
  the‘gettingstuckinandgivingit yourbest
  shot’approachthatwewanttoencourage
  inourselvesandouryoungpeople.
  So here’s a simple strategy to try at
  home: over the next week, spend time
  thinking about your strengths. Identify
  the things you love doing and do well:
  notice the activitiesyou jump up to do
  (thethingsyoudoeagerly),thethingsthat
  giveyoua buzz,thebestbitsofyourjob,
  thebestmomentsofyourday.Committo
  noticing these best bits – and even
  appreciating them and making a little
  more space for them. Take a moment
  toconsiderhowyoucouldndwaysto
  usethesestrengthsmoreeachday.

BEPOSITIVE

Focusonwhat’s rightwithyourpartner,

atmatesorchildren.Ifthey’velefttheir

dirtyplatesonthetable,noticethatthey

lookedupandsaid‘Hi’whenyouentered

theroom,orwerekindtosomeone.Thisis

called strengths spotting. Many people

whom we’vetrained overtheyearshave

attested to its transforming power.

Intentionallystrengthsspotfora fewdays

andnoticetheresponse.

Relationships are at the core of our

wellbeing.Whenweareabletonoticeand

share the good we see in other people

it’s much easier for people tofeel close

to us, and for us to build relationships

thatnurtureus.Weneedthishappening

inallourhomes.

*

Resilience

TOOL

KIT

126 NEXT / SEPTEMBER 2019