impulses,soatleastthey’llgrowuptobe
patient. Mindyou,they were alsomore
likelytobejuveniledelinquents.
Even ifI could t those heelsin the
window– they’reall9s,10s and11s– I
wouldn’t makeit as a stripper,andnot
justbecausemynameis Lisa.It allcomes
down to the adult entertainment
industry’sno-surprisespolicy– yourbits
havetobe wheretheaudienceexpects,
andanykindofmigrationis frownedon.
Strippersaregreatdancers,whileI dance
likeStevieNicksbeingelectrocuted,and
are mistresses of the art of seductive
unclothing– DitaVonTeesedoesn’tjust
chuckit allonthe oorandleapintobed
beforeanyonecanseetherearview.
Nomenclature isn’t destiny (even so,
I’ve never met a Mandy who wasn’t
bonkers)– it’ssimplya boxyoucanchoose
tobreakoutof.If mydaughterSapphire
had wanted to be a stripper, though, I
wouldhavesupported her100%.There
can be no better introduction to the
principalsofmarketing,andonlybeing
onyourfeetforeightminutesata time,
it’sgotbea betterwaytopayforuniversity
thanwaitressing,andprobablylesslikely
togiveyoucorns.
*any other name wouldn’t be as sweet.
I havetodisagree,havingbeentaughtby
a nuncalledSisterThereseoftheLittle
Flowerwhowasanabsolutepsychopath.
There’s a thing called nominative
determinism that uses the fact that an
awfullotofdentistsarecalledDennisto
proveournameshavea massivein uence
onourchosencareers.
Someinterestingfacts:Peoplearemore
likelytodonateaftera hurricaneif they
shareaninitialwithit.Shortnamesare
more advantageous for men in the
workplace, while women with gender-
neutralnameslikeSamorCharlie ndit
a plusinmale-dominated eldssuchas
engineering,lawandbanking.A middle
initialmakespeoplethinkyou’resmarter.
You earn moreifyour nameis shorter.
Sadly,peoplewhoseresumeshave‘white’
names on themget job interviews over
thosewith‘black’names.
Social scientists believe names even
in uence physical appearance: a Sylvie
willbelithe,anAlfredsolid.Researchers
concluded monikers are a kind of self-
ful lling prophecy, producing an
impression that carries through to
adulthood.Well,maybe,butI thinkwith
all the wild names getting handed out
thesedays,thekidsofthisgenerationwill
justhavetodowhatthehippies’children
did– diginandovercomebeingcalled
KrishnaMiracleOm.
Onestudyfoundchildrenwithunusual
names were better at controlling theirhe Salvation Army thrift store window in
Oamaru is lled with stripper heels –
towering Perspex apartment blocks,
velvet leg lattice, scarlet stiletto peep-toes.
How did they get there? Did a broken
ankle call halt to a fabulous career? Did a
Pretty Woman shed her work clothes to
jet off with Richard Gere? Oamaru’s
licensing laws are not conducive to
libertines or lateness – there isn’t any night
life once the penguins have gone to bed, so
there aren’t any strip clubs, but there are
plenty of stripper names. You can’t walk
down the street without falling over a child
named after a gemstone or a feeling.
I can hardly talk. I really wanted to call
my daughter Sapphire but her father
talked me down to Sophia. I thought
Sapphire was cool; he thought it was a
stripper name. Loosely de ned, stripper
names are those that can also be used as
an adjective (Tawny), connote something
rare and expensive (Crystal), or
encourage high-end purchases
(Mercedes, Champagne). I think they
sound like things that would be delicious
combined: Cinnamon, Brandy, Cherry.
Destinations that seem exotic get a look
in (Chyna, Paris), as do attributes present
in a baby but dif cult to sustain in
adulthood (Chastity, Harmony).
Is your name your destiny? Are the
wages of calling a child Blaze tipping
dollars? Researchers at the Hebrew
University of Jerusalem believe our names
in uence our personality – that a Rose byDita Von Teese doesn’ t leap into bed
Photographs before anyone can see the rear view
Getty Images and supplied
TO YOU
CHERRY DIAMOND
THAT’S DOCTOR
A shipment of stripper shoes
leads Lisa to uncover some
startling facts about names
Has your name
infl uenced your life?
Write to next@
bauermedia.co.nzWhat do
y ink?
SEPTEMBER 2019 / NEXT 159
by Lisa Scott
LAST LAUGH