THENEWYORKER,AUGUST19, 2019 23
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
“Heading Out West for Fun and
Relaxation” —The Times
“Clean Air, Beautiful Vistas, Friendly
People—The West Is Paradise!”
—Sunset Magazine
“I Am Lassoed and Dragged Behind a
Horse by Drunken Cowboys!”
—Tombstone News
“Dragged by Horse Every Day!
Why Me?” —Arizona Daily Star
“Explaining to Your Wife Why It’s
Not Your Fault That You Are Dragged
So Often” —Couples Magazine
“Ten Things Never to Say to Drunken
Cowboys, or You’ll Get Dragged”
—Men’s Journal
“Why Yelling ‘Whoa! Whoa!’ to a
Horse Has Absolutely No Effect
Whatsoever” —Equestrian Quarterly
“Why a Clean White Shirt and a Cheer-
ful Attitude Will Get You Dragged
Every Time” —Psychology Today
“For the Love of God, Isn’t There Any
Law Enforcement in this Godforsaken
Land?” —Greenhorn Digest
“Grabbing on to Rocks and Bushes
Doesn’t Stop You from Being Dragged—
And May Injure Your Arm”
—Mayo Clinic Health Letter
“When Your Wife Leaves You for One
of the Draggers” —Cuckold Weekly
“Consoled by Drunken Cowboys, but
Then Dragged” —Western Ways
“‘Yee Haw!’: The Two Most Chilling
Words in the English Language”
—Recurring Nightmare Magazine
“Why Dressing Like a Schoolmarm
Won’t Prevent You from Being Dragged”
—Modern Disguises
“Rattlesnakes Can Still Bite You Even
Though You’re Whizzing By”
—Natural History
“Why Rubbing Sand Into a Drag Burn
Is Not as Crazy as It Sounds”
—Men’s Health
“Einstein Was Right: Time Seems
to Slow Down When You’re Being
Dragged by a Horse” —Science
“How to Tell When Cowboys Get
That ‘Dragging Look’ in Their Eyes”
—People Reading
“Pocket Knives That Can Supposedly
Cut Ropes Don’t Work at All”
—Cutlery Digest
“Why Buying Your Dragger a Drink
After a Dragging Is Just Asking for
More Trouble”
—Whisky Magazine
“Attempting to Drag Someone: Why
It’s Harder Than It Looks—And May
Result in Your Being Dragged”
—Popular Mechanics
“Prairie Dogs: Cute but No Help”
—Western Rodent
“Trying to Quietly Tiptoe Away: In-
stant Dragging Bait”
—Sneaky Weekly
“Looking for Arrowheads While You’re
Being Dragged”
—Archaeology Magazine
“Autumn: The Most Beautiful Time to
Be Dragged by a Horse”
—Arizona Highways
“When the Drag Ends and the Dust
Settles: A Time for Reflection”
—Philosophy Now
“Heading Back East: Sadder but Wiser”
—The Times
“A Surprise in the Mail: An Arrow-
head in a Card Signed by ‘The Drunken
Cowboys’” —The New Yorker
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BY JACK HANDEY
