Web User - UK (2019-12-11)

74 11 -26December2019 Do you agree? Let us [email protected]

• Theaveragetimebetweenthecourier
  pressingthedoorbellandflinging
  a“sorrywemissedyou”cardthrough
  thedooris0.8seconds(0.3seconds
  in December)


• Thethree most likely places you’ll
  find that parcelemblazoned with an
  expensive, luxury bran dand “l eftina
  secu re place” will
  be:inp lain sighton
  your frontdoorstep;
  on socialmedia in a
  “look what Ifound
  today!”post; or in
  thedustbin that’s
  due to be collected
  within thenexthour
  
  
  • 92%ofcouriers
    sufferfromarareformofdyslexiathat
    prevents them from readingthe word
    FRAGILEonpackages –thatfigurerises
    to 98%for pa rcelsconta inin glaptops
  
  
  
  


• Thedeliverycompany Yodelearned

Barry Collins revealsthe results of his

extensiveresearch intocouriers

Page 404

itsname from thestrange,screaming

noises customersmakewheneverthey

trytonavigat ethe company’s

complain ts hotline

• Theaverage distancetoyour“local
  collection point” that your undelivered
  parcel ha sbeen droppedatis2.3
  hemispheres.The average waiting time
  once youget therewill be between
  thr ee hoursand threedays


• Thesizeoft he boxAmazonuses
  to deliver asingl ememorycardfor a
  digitalcamerameets animal welfare
  standar ds forthe transitofarhin oceros
  
  
  • 73%ofdivorcesinJ anuaryare
    caused by couriers failing to deliver
    spouses’ Ch ristmas presents,which
    were orde redafter 4pmonChristmas
    Eve.
  
  
  
  

HopefullySanta will prove more

reliable at delivering your presents.

MerryChristmas,everyone!

92% of couriers

suffer fromarareform

of dyslexiathat prevents

themfromreading

theword FRAGILE

I

t’sChriiiii iiiiiiii ssstmas! Themost

wonderfultime of theyear,the season

when thestreetsare lined with the

beautiful twinklingof... courier van

hazardlights.

Yes, nothing says Christmas more

than aharassed-look ingdriveraty our

doorstep,askingify ou’d mind takingin

thethree-p iece suite forthe couple at

number27,who won’tbebackuntil

January.

January2021, that is.

I’ve becomesomething of an expert in

thewaysoft he courierfor tworeasons.

First, Iworkfromhome, which means

I’mthe topoft he listwhen local

couriers aretryingtol eave aparcelfor

my neighbours.Courierssuchasthe

woman whodeliversfor Debenhams,

whoiss urelyonlydaysawayfrom

beatingthe Guinness WorldRecordfor

thenumber of parcelsyou canfit into

thebackofaRenau lt Espace.

“I knew you’dbein,”she says,

seemingl yoblivioustomyirritationat

beingdisturbed forthe eighth time this

morning,just so Ican look aftera

pashmi na forCarol at number12a nd

save thecourier fr om apotentially fatal

game of parcel Jengaifs he tries to put

it backinher boot.

Thesecond

reason is that

Ihave aRing

doorbell on my

frontdoor,which

captures video

everytime

someoneas much

as sets foot on my

property. Basedon

twoyears of video evidence and the

kindofbig data crunching that would

makeBill Gatesjealous, Ican nowreveal

thefollowing findingsaboutcourier

deliveries: Illu

st

rat

io

n:

An

dr

ew

To

rr

ens

Signed,sealedand

delivered(if you’re lucky)