GOODLAUGHS
46 |8 AUGUST^2019 http://www.drum.co.za
COLD TURKEY
An elderly lady, recently widowed, wonders if a
pet will ease her loneliness so she goes to
the pet store.
She decides against puppies
or kittens or fish and is about
to leave the store when she
hears a voice saying, “My,
my, don’t you look lovely
this afternoon, madam?”
She turns around
quickly to see who has
spoken, but there is no
one. All she sees is a big
green parrot, resting on
his perch in his cage.
“Did you say that?” she
asks.
“Why, yes, I did!” he replies.“And
may I add that dress is a very nice
colour for you.”
The lady suddenly realises how nice it would
be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that
paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him
and takes him home.
THE SHINY-WALLED BOX THINGIE
A young rural boy and his parents are on their
way to visit family in the big city. The bus stops
at a shopping mall where his extended family
promised they’re meant to meet them.
The young boy and his parents are amazed
by almost everything they see. The mother tells
the boy and his father to wait on a bench near
the entrance while she goes into a shop that
sells more dresses and shoes than she’d ever
seen in her life.
As they wait, the father and son are especially
fascinated by two shiny silver walls that move
apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this thing, Father?”
The father, having never seen a lift before,
responds, “I have no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father are watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to
the moving walls and presses a button.
The walls open and the lady rolls between
them into a small room. The walls close and
the boy and his father watch as the numbers in
lights change above the shiny walls.
The walls open up again and a beautiful
24 -year-old woman steps out.
The father looks at his son anxiously then
says excitedly, “Go get your mother!”
THE PERFECT DRESS
Mpho’s wedding day is fast approaching.
Nothing can dampen her excitement – not even
her parents’ nasty divorce.
Her mother has found the perfect dress to
wear and she will be the best dressed mother-
of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Mpho is horrified to learn her
father’s new, young girlfriend has bought the
exact same dress!
Mpho asks her to exchange it, but she
refuses. “Absolutely not. I look like a million
bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she
replies.
Mphotellshermotherwhograciouslysays,
“Nevermind, sweetheart.I’llgetanotherdress.
Afterall,it’syourspecialday.”
Afewdayslater,theygoshopping
andfindanothergorgeousdress.
Whentheystopforlunch,
Mphoaskshermother,“Are
yougoingtoreturnthe
otherdress?Thereisn’t
reallyanotheroccasion
whereyoucouldwearit.”
Hermothersmiles
andreplies,“OfcourseI
do,dear.I’mwearingitto
yourweddingrehearsal
dinner!”ARMLESSMANINABAR
Anarmlessmanwalksintoa
barwhichisemptyexceptforthe
bartender.
Heordersa drinkandwhenheisserved,asks
thebartenderifhe’dgetthemoneyfromhis
walletinhispocket,sincehehasnoarms.
Thebartenderobligeshim.
Hethenasksifthebartenderwouldtipthe
glasstohislips.
Thebartenderdoesthisuntilthemanfinishes
hisdrink.
Hethenasksifthebartenderwouldgeta
handkerchieffromhispocketandwipethe
foamfromhislips.
Thebartenderdoesitandcommentsthatit
mustbeverydifficultnottohavearmsandhave
toasksomeonetodonearlyeverythingforhim.
Thearmlessmansays,“Yes,itisa bitembar-
rassingattimes.Bytheway,whereisthe
toilet?”
Thebartenderquicklyreplies,“Theclosest
oneisinthepetrolstationthreeblocksdown
thestreet.”I DON’TOWEYOUANYTHING
Thebartenderaskstheguysittingatthebar,
“What’llyouhave?”
Theguyanswers,“Ascotch,please.”
Thebartenderhandshimthedrink,andsays,
“That’llbeR17.”
Theguyreplies,“Whatareyoutalkingabout?
I don’toweyouanythingforthis.”
Alawyer,sittingnearbyoverhearsthecon-
versation, and says to the bartender, “You know,
he’s got you there? In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance,
there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender is not impressed, but says to
the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t
ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
The bartender says, “What the heck are you
doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the
audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about?
I’ve never been in this place in my life before
today!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this
is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it
a scotch.”YOU LOOK GOOD
A woman walks up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing
how happy you look,” she says. “What’s your
secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,”
he says. “I also drink a case of whisky a week,
eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the woman says,
“how old are you?”
“Twenty-six,” he repliesBEAUTIFUL AND STUPID
A man says to his wife one day: “I don’t know
how you can be so stupid and so beautiful.”
The wife responds: “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me, God made me stupid so I
would be attracted to you!”MEN’S RULES
1 Men are NOT mind readers.
1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big
girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you
need it down.
1 Sunday sports: it’s like the fullmoonor the
changingofthetides.Letitbe.FUNNY
WISDOM
Regular naps prevent
old age, especially
if you take them
while driving.LOSING IT
A blonde is overweight,
so her doctor puts her on
a diet.
He says to her: “I want
you to eat the special diet
food for two days, then
skip a day and repeat the
procedure for exactly two
weeks.
The next time I see you,
you’ll have lost at least six
kilos.”
When the blonde returns,
she has lost nearly 15 kilos.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the
doctor exclaims, “Did you
follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods and
answers: “I’ll tell you,
though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that
third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
the doctor asks.
“No,” the blonde replies,
“from skipping!”