10 6 / WOMEN’S HEALTH
ALAMYSEPTEMBER 2019f rom how it i s,” say s Gi l l i-
han. But most of the time,
what follows the verb is a
personal wish or prefer-
ence, not an actual truth.
If you believe at all in fate,
it helps to just trust that
whatever your partner
d id or d id n’t do happ ene d
because that’s how the
universe was aligned (for
some reason beyond our
knowledge). If you don’t,
that’s totally fine—but re-
framing your mindset
can help you escape any
sen se of bit ter ne s s or i n-
dignation. So express
what you want as a desire:
“I wish you could come
home e a rl ier so we c ou ld
spend more time togeth-
er,” or “I ’d love it i f you
helped more with the
dog.” Anyone can debate
a “should,” notes Gillihan,
“but who can argue with
a wish?” Even if they can’t
make it happen, they
won’t feel as if they’re
doing something wrong
right off the bat.
- PARTNER UP WITH
YOUR PARTNER
And by that, we mean
always prioritize quality
together time, especially
when life makes doing so
difficult. “When we’re
overwhelmed, we often
bring so little to our rela-
tionship,” says Rachel
Sussman, LCSW, a rela-
tionship psychotherapist
i n N YC. “ The r ig ht e qua-
t ion i s to be you r be st a nd
most lov i ng sel f at home,
so the strength of your
bond gives you strength to
handle everything else.”
When you know work is
about to heat up, tell your
S.O., “I’m about to go
through a really busy
time, and I’m nervous I
won’t be able to put the
energy into our relation-
sh ip t hat we b ot h ex p e c t.
What else can I do to help
us this month?” The solu-
tion may be to cut back on
social engagements or toCarmichael, PhD, a clini-
cal psychologist in NYC.
“Create a calendar for
financial, travel, or hobby
goals,” she says. [E.g.,
visit Japan, learn salsa.]
“This helps you see your-
selves together in the
future, encourages dis-
cussion around lifestyle
choices, and reminds you
to support one another
with accountability and
by working off each oth-
er’s momentum.” Plus,
planning a future beyond
the big stuff (babies, new
houses) can be just plain
fun—and lift you out
of the boring day-to-day.- TA K E A M I N U TE
TO SEE THEM
The security of a long-
term relationship (and
marriage, obviously) is
wonderful. But a common
price for that is how “used
to” our partner we be-
come. “There comes a
point when we’re looking
at a projection or memory
of the person, not who
they are in 3-D at that mo-
ment,” says Gillihan.
“That leads you to make
assumptions about what
they need based on their
past—not their present.”
And, of course, people
evolve as time goes
on, and it’s on you to rec-
og n i z e how. S o whenever
you can—on your next
date night, while they’re
m a k i ng t he c offe e, a f ter
they get back from a run—
t a ke a se c ond to stop a nd
really see your partner
with fresh eyes. Think of
three kind or impressive
things they did recently,
and feel the feels for them.
Then instead of “I love
you,” try saying, “I see
you.” Their reaction could
be pretty stunning.
75%
Couples who go to therapy and end up staying
together, per the American Psychological As-
sociation. If it helps in times of conflict, it can
only help when all is well!
schedule breakfasts to-
gether instead of dinners
you know you’ll miss. “Al-
ways ask yourself if you’re
putting as much into your
relationship as you are
into your career, exercise
goals, friendships,” Suss-
man adds. “Then make
shifts as necessary.”- KEEP A SHARED-
GOALS CALENDAR
You have goals, your
partner has goals—but
what about ones you can
pursue as a couple? It’s
important to envision
achieving or doing some-
thing as a unit to keep
your bond superstrong,
says WH advisor Chloe