Despite the token casting of the same three women over 40 in roles other than “mother” in at least six films
now, Hollywood is still no place to grow old. It’s been thus since before the famous white letters went up in
Griffith Park. In the 1950s classic Sunset Boulevard, Gloria Swanson plays Norma Desmond, a silent film
actor refusing to accept that she’s past her sell-by date. Nearly 70 years later, not much has really changed
despite the arsenal of anti-ageing injectables at the modern actor’s disposal.
Swanson’s Norma Desmond came of “old” age in an era when botulin was still something you got from
improperly tinned peaches. She relied instead on a mode of wrinkle prevention that was already 60 years
old. To be ready for her close-up, she used “Frownies”.
For the uninitiated, Frownies were invented in 1889. They’re little triangles made of stiff brown paper with
a sticky backing that you activate with water. You then slap the wet triangle onto the part of your face you
want to smooth out. It dries hard and, voila, you can no longer frown! How does this work? Well we all
know that too much sun causes wrinkles but they’re also caused by habitual use of the same facial
expressions over years and years and years. In the same way you can build up a bicep, you can build up the
muscles in your face so that they’ll hold the expression you pull most often whether you like it or not. It’s no
coincidence that when people describe the recently dead, they often mention how peaceful they look. How
strangely youthful. It’s because their muscles have stopped working and their face has fallen back into the
shape it would have had had they not spent years squinting and frowning.
I’ve dodged the “lion’s wrinkle”, that deep “11” that the terribly serious, grumpy or short-sighted often get
between the eyes, but I’ve got forehead wrinkles like a musical stave. My habitual expression is “eyebrows
raised in fascinated attention”. They’re raised as I stare at my laptop. Well, someone’s got to show an
interest. The problem is, when I’m not interested, the residual lines mean I look worried all the time.
Once they were on my forehead the Frownies dried quickly and stuck firmly. Worryingly firmly, in fact. I
laughed. Nervously. My forehead didn’t move
After seven weeks in an Aircast to fix a broken metatarsal, the muscles in my right foot and lower leg have
definitely lost some definition. Could Frownies work like an Aircast for my face? Thanks to their cruelty-
free, vegan credentials and the fact that they’re considerably cheaper than Botox, Frownies are back.
Modern Hollywood beauties Rashida Jones and Rene Russo are both fans. I decided to track down a box on
Amazon and gave the oldschool method a try.
The Frownies arrived in an elegant package a little larger than a matchbox, into which the brown paper
triangles were folded in a long concertinaed strip. There was also a leaflet with a host of useful illustrations
as to how to deploy them for your particular wrinkle-based issue. For the lines that run right across my
forehead, I had to use three triangular segments slotted together to create a trapezium. If you’ve got an 11,
you’re going to want to create a triangle pointing down your nose. Crow’s feet can be cured with a
diamond-shaped arrangement. The configurations are endless. If you loved Tetris, you’ll love Frownies.
I applied my Frownies according to the instructions. I smoothed out my lines as I put the triangles in place.
The adhesive on the back looked like envelope glue. It seemed unlikely it would hold back a muscle but
once they were on my forehead the Frownies dried quickly and stuck firmly. Worryingly firmly, in fact. I
laughed. Nervously. My forehead didn’t move.
You have to wear the Frownies for at least three hours but overnight application is recommended so it’s a
good idea to warn anyone who might be sharing your bed that you’re going to do something that looks a
little bit strange. A little bit like you’ve been playing that game where someone sticks a post-it with a name