Elle UK – September 2019

ELLEMemoir

ELLE.COM/UK September 2O19 61

oudon’tdiminishwhenyouhaveachild,butyoudochange.

Whenyouhavebeeninthestirrupsgivingbirth,wastedonmorphine,

doyoueverfeellovelyagain?I wonderedif I gaveallmybeautyto

mysonwhenhewasborn,althoughI gaveit willingly,asatributeto

him.Mytoothwobbled;myeyesightdisintegrated;myhairliterally

fellout.I wasgauntwithtiredness,puffyinthefaceandfat.

I was 45 lastNewYear’sEve.I feltbothbetterandworse.I hadless

fear,butalsolesshope.It wasa deepwinter,andmywriting,whichis my

tradeandmyjoy,feltlistlessandheavy;mysonwasalieninhisenergy;

myhusbandwassilent.I understoodmyselfbetterthanI usedto,and

thatcalmedme.ButI feltsadandsexless,andI knewI lookedawful.

I thoughtnothingofwearingmyhusband’sraggedclothes;I became

a strangertomake-up,andsometimesevenbrushingmyhair.Thatis not

a moraljudgement.It is a dullfact.I feltalienatedfromfashionformany

years.It wasafriendshipI nolongercherished.I wasn’talwayslike

that.I oncelovedfashionandknewitspowertochangeandenchant.

I rememberthebrightcostumesofmychildhood,poisedintime:

aredandwhitetowellingplaysuitin1976;apolka-dottedSouthern

belledresswithbonnetin198O;a blackvelvetsuitwitha peplumand

bustlein1987.At13,I dressedlikeJoanCrawfordat4O.Perhapsthat

wastheproblem.I hadtoomuch,tooyoung.I knewthelanguageof

fashionbeforeI couldread.Mymotherandgrandmotherowned

a boutiquecalledGoldenLadyinTeddington,southwestLondon,and

I touredthefactoriesoftheEastEndwiththem,lookingfordresses,before

allthetextilemanufacturingmovedtoChina.Likemanyworking-class

womenofthattime,mygrandmothercouldsewtocouturestandard.

Mymother– herdaughter– emergedfromtheirterracedhouseinsouth

Londonlikeajewelledflower.Adressmaker’sdummystoodinthe

Y

PHOTOGRAPH by HANS FEURER

Cloaked in self-loathing, Tanya Gold felt she didn’t deserve to be fashionable any

more. But just as she was about to close the door on a lifetime of dress-up,

an unexpected trip to the most stylish island in the world changed everything

A FA RE WEL L^ to^ FA SHI ON