he cold
sweats
set in
around
11 a. m. e v e r y S u n d a y.
I open my fridge and
see a barren waste-
land of old ketchup
packets, which I saved
for some reason, and
one bag of shredded
cheese that’s prob-
ably been in there a
liiittle too long. I order
a bagel (delivery,
because I’m lazy) and
face the inevitable:
I need to go to the
supermarket.
I am, and I cannot
stress this enough,
absolutely terrible at
grocery shopping.
Like, go-in-with-good-
intentions-but-come-
out-with-nothing-
but-boxes-of-instant-
ramen-level bad.
At least I’m aware
of my issues. Let’s
start with planning.
Some people spend
a quality chunk of
time laboring over the
perfect shopping list.
But when I sit down
to make one, it’s like
I’ve never eaten a
real meal. Lasagna?
Never heard of her.
Baked chicken? Who
is she? And before
you ask, I obviously
know what Pinterest
is. But that’s almost
too much food-shop-
ping inspiration, you
know? Which of the
5,000 zucchini-noodle
recipes is best? Some-
one, anyone, halp.So I’ll head to the
store list-less. I wander
the aisles like I’m in
a damn art museum,
only to buy the same
three things I always
do: a C-list frozen
pizza, two boxes of
veggie burgers, and
literally nothing else.
And because I have
no concept of how to
turn rando freezer-sec-
tion swag into a legit
breakfast, lunch, or
dinner, I forget about
stuff to eat *with*
those foods, like, IDK,
buns, fries, a vegeta-
ble, or uh, ranch?
But here’s maybe
the biggest problem:
Cooking requires
ingredients. Ingredi-
ents are really, really
expensive. Like avoca-
dos. That shit’s pricey!t
(Apologies to all the
Chipotle employees
I’ve stank-eyed before;
guac probs should
cost extra.) And have
you checked out pista-
chios lately? You
basically need a six-
figure salary to afford
quality nuts (also, side
note: almonds, wal-
nuts, and cashews
can suck it for being
equally bougie).
Sometimes I do get
ambitious and pick up,
like, a pack of cilan-
tro, stare at it as I do
mental math, startto panic, and put it
right back.
After 45 minutes
of this, I look down at
a semi-full basket and
think, This is fine. And,
ya know, it is fine.
Less food in my
fridge = less time
cooking = more time
rewatching Game of
Thrones or contemplat-
ing how few dates I’ve
been on this month.
Sorry (not sorry), gro-
cery lists and Pinterest
boards I never made.
I’m very busy!OKAY,
BUT
HERE’S
SOME
ACTUAL
HELPUSE INSTA
“I follow my fave
food bloggers on
Instagram and
save good-looking
recipes when I
randomly see them
in my feed. It’s
easier to let the
ideas come to me
rather than search-
ing for something.”
—SMITA
GAUTUM, 29PICK TWO
VEGETABLES
“My best trick is
to buy two fruits or
veggies that
I can repurpose
for breakfast,
lunch, and dinner,
like broccoli
and asparagus,
instead of buying
a ton of produce.”
— L A U R E N
ROSE, 30ORDER
ONLINE
“I shop on my
grocery-store app,
so I can double-
check my fridge to
make sure I’m
not buying some-
thing I already
have and avoid
impulse buys.”
—MARIAH
MUNDS, 28I wander the aisles
like I’m in a damn art
museum only to
buy the same three
things I always do.
Askingforaf
rie
nd
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ho
ice
s?I^ CAN’TEVEN (^) P
UT (^) ON
PANTS
.
you
20 Cosmopolitan September 2019
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.