Incompatible-roommate
horror stories
And you thought Mercury Retrograde was scary.
t’s my own fault I had to break
my apartment lease just to
GTFO—I didn’t look up my
would-be roomie’s sign before
moving in. (News flash: Sign compatibility
is *not* just about dating.) And it turns out
that she was a textbook Aquarius. Which,
FYI, is the complete opposite of me, a Leo.
Sure, both our signs are pretty self-
centered, but when it came to doing basic
chores—and, uh, being basic human
beings to each other—I did my share. She
expected everything to be done for her.
Cut to a constantly messy bathroom, rude
texts, and loud hangs with her besties on
Monday nights. Aka hell.
Now I’m living with a Taurus (yes, I
checked ahead of time), and it’s been a
peaceful coexistence. But not everyone’s
so lucky. Behold, a handful of my favorite
real-life rooming nightmares (as you fever-
ishly text your roommate for her sign).By PATRICIA CAMEROTA“My roomies are all
Leos and I am too,
so I might even be
insulting myself with
this story. Anyway,
maybe it’s because
they—we?—are all
perfectionists, like,
hella-messy per-
fectionists, but they
always throw away
my produce. They’ll
trash a small potato
or a lopsided orange
even if it’s perfectly
edible! As some-
one who works for
a sustainable food
company, this drives
me nuts. Meanwhile,
they let their own
food rot on the coun-
tertop! I will never
understand this logic
or these people.”
—GAVIN, 25“Hi, I’m a Libra,
and I used to live with
two roommates, a girl
and a guy. The girl was
a Taurus and a literal
nightmare. She was a
party animal, one of
those steadfast ‘must
black out every Friday’
types. What I didn’t
know at the time—
I thought I was just
under the weather—is
that I had cancer...
actual cancer, not the
sign. She’d have peo-
ple over to pre-game
whenever I was
feeling my worst. One
time, I asked her to
please move the party
out of the apartment.
Her friends drunkenly
started berating me,
calling me ‘bipolar
bitch’ and ‘psycho.’ I
told my roommate how
inappropriate she was,
and our other room-
mate agreed. But this
girl had no intention
of backing down or
telling her friends they
weren’t welcome at our
place. I know Tauruses
can be stubborn AF
and aggressively
passive-aggressive.
This was all that and
then some. Needless to
say, I moved out.”
—A M ANDA, 25“My Scorpio roommate
was in a polyamorous
LDR, and I—a Virgo—
loved her free-spirited
watery energy. At
least, I loved it out-
side the apartment.
Living with her was...
difficult. She would
go on lots of online
dates and have them
sleep over, and her
boyfriend would also
come visit. One time, I
came home from work
and he was watching
TV. I asked where my
roommate was, and he
was like, ‘She’s stay-
ing at a guy’s tonight.’
He just looked so sad.
So we watched the
Sex and the City movie
together. For what it’s
worth, he’s a Cancer
and I think he’s just too
sensitive and emotional
for her. They’re still
together though.”
—J U LIA, 26i
ALWAYS.GET
.THEIR.BIRTH.CHAR
T.“There were three of
us: a Capricorn, a
Cancer, and a Leo...
that last one’s me. The
Cancer was crabby
about everything—
even nitpicky stuff like
a chair being slightly
crooked—and was
on the couch literally
all the time. I’d come
home to complaints
about how dumb
everyone—but her, of
course—was and ran-
dom vents about how
much she hated cats.
Being in the living
room meant deal-
ing with a constant
stream of negativity.
She’d nonstop talk over
every movie too. My
Cap roomie stayed
calm, but my fiery self
couldn’t take it. I’d hide
in my room or leave.”
—LISA, 2674 Cosmopolitan September 2019