Page 20 Daily Mail, Thursday, August 8, 2019Take a pig on a
plane? It would
hog the nibbles!
T
hose who are
already nervous
about flying now
face a further peril.
A couple of weeks
ago, an attendant on an
American Airlines flight between
Dallas and North Carolina was
reaching for a passenger’s sick
bag when he was bitten on his
left hand by the passenger’s dog.
The attendant’s bleeding hand
required five stitches.
In news reports, the assailant
was described as ‘an emotional
support dog’. At first, I took this
to mean that the support dog had
become emotional.
But I had picked up the wrong
end of the stick. By ‘emotional
support dog’, the reporter meant
that the dog was employed to
provide emotional support.
It emerged that American
Airlines has recently
tightened up its
regulations on the
range of animals
it will allow
on board for
‘emotional
support’. To
accompany those
passengers of a nerv-
ous disposition, it now
says it will permit
only ‘a cat, a dog, or a
miniature horse’.
A miniature horse?!
how could an already
tense and highly
strung passenger
ever imagine that
having a miniature
horse with him might
encourage him to
calm down?
And what of the
passenger in the
aisle seat? I am
a fairly relaxed
traveller, but, if I
were on an aeroplane
and, glancing to my left, noticed a
miniature horse leafing through
the in-flight magazine, or
repositioning his overhead light,
or pressing his hoof on the little
armrest button to make his seat
go back, then I would start to
grow very jittery indeed.
obviously, I would do my best
to stay calm, but, at the same
time, I would be obliged to take a
few precautions. I would certainly
take care not to order any carrot-
based meal and, when it came to
selecting an in-flight movie, I
would avoid all Westerns and
anything else in which large
groups of horses were likely to
come to a sorry end.
Reports suggest that more
and more people have been
attempting to bring animals
with them on flights, on the
grounds that they need them for
‘emotional support’.
some of these animals are, in
the words of industry group Air-
lines UK, ‘wholly inappropriate’.
In the U.s., they have included apeacock, a squirrel, a monkey, a pig,
a duck, a turkey and a kangaroo.
Given the choice, which of these
would make the most agreeable
companion? Personally, I wouldn’t
want a kangaroo sitting next to
me, particularly on a long-haul
flight, as he would be up and
down, up and down, all the way.
At the same time, a squirrel
would be too twitchy and, the
moment you looked the other way,
would attempt to steal your nuts.
At first sight, a peacock might
seem an ideal neighbour: not too
big and not too small, beautifully
blue and with an alert, can-do air
about him. But he is also very
vain: just as you were settling
down for a snooze, he would fan
his feathers at you. While all your
fellow passengers oohed and
ahhed, you would have to suffer
all those quills in your face.
For all their many virtues,
monkeys are too fidgety
and full of beans to stay
still during a flight.
Far from providing
emotional sup-
port, they would
parade up and
down the gang-
way like drunks on a
stag weekend, shout-
ing ribald slogans
and dropping their
trousers to show
their bottoms. And,
frankly, I wouldn’t
put it above a
monkey to forget all
about any duty of
emotional sup-
port in favour of
scuttling down
the aisle to
induct another
monkey carer
into the Mile
high Club.
A turkey
would, I think, be a
little crotchety, especially
if you tried to make small talk
(‘Doing anything nice for Christ-
mas?’). And a pig in the next-door
seat might present problems. Pigs
can be very single-minded, almost
to the point of selfishness. Plus
they spread themselves out: the
moment you leaned forward, he or
she would try to hog the armrest.S
o TheRe is clearly only
one option: the duck.
Personally, I think a
duck — easy-going,
reassuring, self-contained and
spotlessly clean — would make
the ideal travelling companion
and emotional support.
And if, for any reason, there
were to be a mix-up with board-
ing passes and your duck wasn’t
allowed on board, he could always
fly alongside the plane, waving
and winking at you through the
window, and ready on arrival to
greet you on the runway with a
friendly quack.Craig
Brown
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