Page 53...and why my wild teenage parties
mean I’m no mug when it comes
to my children’s boozy shindigs
femailMAGAZINE 53
then 17-year-old son, Joe, who
had been home solo for a week,
was at the door to welcome me.
‘Hi Mum, let me help you with
your suitcase.’
Rat smelled. My eyes swept
the kitchen. Immaculate. Unnat-
urally so.
‘Did you have a party?’
‘No.’
‘I will find out.’
‘OK, I did. It was amazing.’
He went on to tell me how he
ordered food and drink from
Tesco, turned the sitting room
into a nightclub and had 25 sleep-
ing over. There was nothing, not
even a cigarette butt or an
unmade bed, to incriminate him.
He had done so well, his punish-
ment was to organise every party
we had for the next two years.
What surprised me was that
none of the parents had called tofind out about the impromptu
gathering, as I always do.
In my time, things were more
formal. For birthdays, an invita-
tion was sent out — by post —
and you were expected to reply.
Now it’s all done on social media.
This makes policing more diffi-
cult. So, what can you do?
Three weeks ago, we held
Esme’s 18th birthday party. I set
myself a budget, worked out alco-
hol units per head (seven!) and
prepared for the invasion. At the
start, Sten gave a ‘speech’
announcing that the house was
out of bounds and anyone caught
with drugs would be thrown out.
Yes, there were casualties who
ended up napping under a hedge,
but everyone was safe and had a
ball. So, if you are the parent of a
teenager, this is what you need to
know before throwing a party...BE THERE
BlINdINglY obvious, but you’d
be amazed how many parents
leave. Teenagers are brimming
with unexploited athleticism, so
they’ll hang off your windowsills
and have sword fights with your
curtain poles. They’ll also raid
your fridge, eating everything.ENLIST SOME SPIES
I HAd my slightly older nephews
on patrol and ready to keep
watch if I should need to take
someone to hospital.KEEP THEM OUT!
IF YOU have a garden, keep them
outside. If it rains, try a gazebo. If
you must have teenagers in
your home, on no account let
them go upstairs. Otherwise they
will stick their noses in yourTHESE
WORK
FOR ME
O
UR family’s first teenage
party was two years ago.
We weren’t hosting,
thank god — 16-year-old
Esme was invited.
It was organised by a very good friend
of mine who has three daughters. The
middle one was turning 16, a girl I’d
known since pre-school. So when a
handful of mothers were invited to help
out as taxi drivers, sisters-in-arms and
self-appointed spies, I signed up.
I learned a lot at that party by peeping
from a window at the teens in the garden.
Above all, I learned I was deeply para-
noid — fearful that every Fanta was laced
with contraband vodka, terrified a
harmless snog could lead to sex.
There were shenanigans, of course.
Monitored alcohol was on offer, along
with food and music. Some went home
with a love bite in lieu of a party bag and
many were drunk, their pristine livers
susceptible to the diluted cocktails.
It was bittersweet to see children I’ve
known since they were tiny with their
adult training wheels on. The boys
spluttered on cigarettes, desperately
wanting to be ten years older or a dJ, and
the girls were just thrilled to be there.
Half of me was overjoyed to see my
beautiful daughter socialising with confi-
dence, the other half bereft. When it was
time to leave, Esme was tipsy but not
drunk and had reverted to acting like a
loving, cuddly four-year-old. Fine by me!
Since then, we have had a positive
epidemic of parties, and I’ve learned
more about how to handle them.
Of course, we have all heard the horror
stories about parties that end in disaster:
a Facebook announcement that
inadvertently encourages gatecrashers
and ends in a trashed home; parties held
by friends whose parents are unknown,
but who your child tells you will
‘definitely’ be there. (Try asking for their
telephone number to check it’s all above
board and you are met with a torrent of:
‘You don’t trust me. No one else’s par-
ents are so protective.’)A
lTHOUgH I didn’t start
partying until I was a little
older, we were just as wild. At
18, I was a car passenger on
the way to one party when we crashed,Reduce dark
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SUSANNAH
CONSTANTINE
with
and I broke a toe and cracked my
pelvis. Already half cut, I didn’t
feel a thing and danced until
6am. It wasn’t until the drink
wore off that I felt the pain.
As it turns out, though, I do
trust my children. They have had
plenty of opportunity to mess up
— my husband Sten and I try to
give them just enough freedom
to find their own way — but have
slowly gained our trust by telling
us truthfully what goes on. like
the time a drunk girl wandered
off, got lost and was picked up by
police eight hours later, passed
out on the roadside.
Of course, trust goes only so far.
I am also in cahoots with other
parents at each party — and my
kids know I will always pick them
up, no matter how late.
Not that they haven’t tried it
on. When I arrived back from
Cornwall three years ago, mywardrobes, sleep in your beds
and pass out in baths.POLICE GUEST LISTS
gUEST lists are like builders’
estimates, so allow for a 50 to
100 per cent increase on any limit
you set, and check you know who
everyone is. If your child must
have a party page on Facebook,
double-check that the privacy
setting is on Invitees Only.BE PREPARED
PROvIdE plenty of ashtrays and
bins. Avoid glass and provide
paper plates and cups. Have
somewhere girls can leave their
bags that doesn’t involve them
going into the house. Hiring a
portable toilet is a lifesaver if you
have room.FILL STOMACHS
IT’S much harder to get danger-
ously drunk on a full stomach. We
hired a man to make pizza and
pork belly — but hot dogs are
always popular and easy, too. No
cutlery required.CONTROL ALCOHOL
TEENAgERS drink vodka like
Russians. So we paid a friend’s
daughter to make not-too-strong
cocktails in big plastic bins, with
lots of ice. As the night wore on,
the ice melted and diluted it.STICK TO A CURFEW
ESME’S party ended at 1.30am.
We hired a bus to take kids
back to a central location where
they could be picked up. It was
made very clear that no one was
staying over, apart from a
few girlfriends.1
2
3
FEARLESS, frank and funny,
SUSANNAH CONSTANTINE — TV
presenter, author, wife and
mum to two teenage
daughters and a son — flies the
flag for older women in her
monthly column, sharing her
life lessons on how to embrace
middle age with gusto — not to
mention a sense of humour.The night I
danced till
6am with a
broken pelvis
Daily Mail, Thursday, August 8, 2019Party animals: Susannah (right) and her daughter EsmeПОДГОТОВИЛА
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