Page 62 Daily Mail, Thursday, August 8, 2019÷ SEND your contributions to Peterborough, Daily Mail Letters, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT
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W
HEN I was a
16-year-old, I
was a crew
member on
board a cargo
ship that docked in Cape
Town, South Africa.
One of the crew said:
‘Whatever you do, don’t get
drunk as the police are all
Dutch in Cape Town
and they don’t like the
British a lot.’
I went ashore and had a pint
of beer and really enjoyed it. I
have no head for drink, but I
felt so good I had another
pint. I staggered out of the
pub and thought I’d better
get back on my ship.
Walking towards the dockgates I saw two burly Dutch
policemen. I tried to walk
between them, but fell flat on
my face. ‘This is where I get a
good kicking,’ I thought, when
suddenly I passed out.
When I came to, I found I was
in my bunk on my ship.
I asked my crewmate: ‘How
did I get here?’ He said he was
on the deck when two burly
Dutch cops carried me on to
the ship, calling out: ‘Do you
know this kid?’
‘I called out yes, he’s one of
us,’ he explained. ‘They
carried you aboard, asking
which was your cabin, and
put you to bed.’
That taught me the true
meaning of a Dutch treat.
Brian Reynolds,
Herne Bay, Kent.Picture that!
Today’s poemOut of the mouths
of babes
FOR many years we have
been the proud owners of a
large vintage Austin motor car
built in 1929. You get used to
the complimentary and
sometimes funny comments.
Recently, we were waiting at
traffic lights in Redhill, Surrey,
when a mum crossed in front
of us along with her little boy
of about five or six years old.
Delightedly, he said out loud:
‘Look, Mum, is that car
still alive?’
Andy Shaw,
Ottershaw, Surrey.One-line
Philosophers
O IF MONEY grew on trees,
would it be the root and
branch of all evil?
A. Dean, Keighley, W. Yorks.
O I’D be a millionaire if I’d
never started drinking — now
that’s really hard to swallow.
Warren Brown,
Falmouth, Cornwall.Your jokes
I’VE just watched a badger
and a fox playing tennis. It
was a good match — the
badger won in three setts.
Ian Alexander, Peterborough.Wordy Wise
SLY HALF — crafty runner.
HOOFER — favours kicking.
CLANKER — noisy player.
DEFT WINGER — twinkle toes.
BULL BACK — big brute.
T. John Foster, Stafford.LOST AND FOUND
I must have put
it somewhere!
It’s probably just mislaid.
I can clearly remember
reading it
As I ate my toast
and marmalade.
Did I leave it in
the bedroom?
On the cabinet by my bed?
Is it underneath the pillow
Where I lay my
befuddled head?
I check around in
the kitchen,
Pull out the drawer that’s
by the sink.
It’s crammed full of
useless objects.
Ah! There’s my quill pen
and some ink!
I search in vain on
the mantelpiece,
On my dusty windowsills.
I even look in the
bathroom cabinet,
But find soap and
headache pills.
I haven’t been out in
the garden
So it couldn’t possibly
be there.
I search down the back
of my sofa,
Behind my desk and
saggy armchair.
I’m beginning to feel
somewhat anxious,
My head and heart beat
like a drum.
What happens if I can’t
find it?
Will they send
another one?
I begin to suspect it’s
been stolen.
Well, today there’s just so
much crime.
But wait! What’s that in
my pocket?
Oh no, I had it all the time!
Mrs Anita Bass,
Theydon Bois, Essex.Sign language
GRUESOME TOOTHSOME:
There must be a shortage
of posties in the area!
Seen outside a pet shop in
Ramsgate, Kent, by Kay
Smith of Herne Bay, Kent.WINGING IT: This poppy
is having a last fling as
an angel.
Peter Hughes,
Monkseaton, Tyne & Wear.Write to: Daily Mail Letters,
2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT
email: [email protected]PETERBOROUGH
email: [email protected]
Titanic mistake
HISTORICALLY, our nation has had
a strong and effective Navy to protect
our interests at home and around
the world.
The oil crisis in the Middle East has
exposed the weakness of our naval
strength and it appears we no longer
have the means to defend our
interests. For a proud island nation,
this is of great concern to us all.
With the demise of Harland & Wolff
in Belfast, which has such a proud
history in shipbuilding, would it not
make sense for the Government to
take it over to build warships?
This would have the double benefit
of retaining skilled jobs and ensuring
value for money. Costs could be
controlled and production geared to
the requirements of the Navy.
P. GANT, Newport, Shropshire.
TO SAVE Harland & Wolff, the
Government could order new destroy-
ers for the Royal Navy, giving the
skilled workforce plenty of work for
years to come. Add some fast attack
surface vessels and we would be able
to defend shipping in the Gulf.
GEORGE McKIE,
Warrington, Cheshire.
HOW sad to hear about the demise
of Harland & Wolff. My husband and
I met there 54 years ago when I was
in my first secretarial job and he was
studying for an engineering degree
at queen’s University.
He was the third generation of his
family employed at the shipyard: his
grandfather worked on the Titanic.
The cityscape will not be the same
without the iconic Samson and
Goliath gantry cranes.
LORRAINE SEMPLE, Hythe, Kent.Boris bounce deflated
THE Boris bounce is punctured and
deflated. After losing the Brecon and
Radnorshire by-election, the
Government working majority is
down to just one MP.
Brexit has been blocked and
thwarted as much by infighting
between the differing factions of
Brexitism as it has by Remainers.
Yet while this farce plays out, a
leaked Whitehall document reveals
the possibility of widespread
consumer panic, food shortages,
crime and economic chaos in the
first fortnight of a No Deal Brexit.
Already people are stockpiling food
and medicines.
Boris Johnson proposes spending
£100 million on propaganda in a
probably vain attempt to defuse
these fears. The road hauliers’ organ-
isations warn that the contingency
planning set up for the original
March No Deal crisis has been
allowed to lapse.
This is on top of billions allocated
to repair the self-inflicted No Deal
Brexit damage while our economy
weakens, four million live in poverty,
Honda and Vauxhall move from the
UK, NHS patients are not getting
advanced cancer treatment and our
cities see rising knife crime.
Deep distrust of the Government is
forcing Scotland, Wales and perhaps
Northern Ireland to look to their own
salvation. Boris could well be the last
British Prime Minister!
ANDREW MILROY, Trowbridge, Wilts.
FULL marks to Boris Johnson for
putting money into the ailing NHS.
But will there be an investigation
into the inefficient way it spends its
existing budget? We need to make
sure no more is spent on fat-cat
administrators and their merry-go-
round appointments.
CHRIS PATE, Worcester.Village vandals
I AGREE with Prince Charles about
vanishing villages. There are plan-
ning applications for new homes to
surround my village together with a
major road that will carve right
through our lovely park.
Before long, we will be just another
suburb of Milton Keynes.
In spring, a long-established hedge
on an A-road was removed with no
thought for nesting birds. The factthere is a planning application for
hundreds of houses on the adjoining
floodplain speaks volumes. Planners
will not be happy until there are no
green spaces left. Perhaps they will
paint the concrete green?
GAIL VALENTINE,
Newton Longville, Bucks.Police farce
AS A retired police officer, I have to
agree that the service deserves a
complete revamp (Letters), starting
with the ridiculous belief that
recruits should have degrees.
They should all start at street level
and earn promotion based on the
skills gathered along the way.
KEITH DUNWELL,
Aberford, W. Yorks.
PERHAPS our new Home Secretary
could take an in-depth look at the
usefulness of Police & Crime
Commissioners. They do not appear
to have made any difference to the
efficient functioning of police forces
and simply add another layer of
expense and bureaucracy.
MICHAEL HAFFERTY,
Sunderland, Tyne & Wear.
I READ with interest, as a retired
police officer, the Police Colleges’
national guidance about appearance
standards, which states extreme and
vivid hair colours are not permitted
nor should hair be dyed in conspicu-
ously unnatural colours.
With her Jedward-style, two-tone
quiff, Deputy Chief Constable Rachel
Swann of the Derbyshire Constabu-
lary should take note.
STEVE SCOTT,
Ainsdale, Merseyside.Uneasy riders
IT’S mad for Michael Hurwitz,
director of innovation at Transport
for London, to suggest electric scoot-
ers should be legal on our roads.
There is so much traffic that many
cyclists, not to mention mobility
scooters, use the pavements.
Would Mr Hurwitz be happy for any
member of his family to ride an elec-
tric scooter on a busy London road?
COLIN GRIMMER,
Lowestoft, Suffolk.Marks lacks sparks
IS MARKS & SPENCER serving its
core customers (Letters)? Does the
store have any idea who these
shoppers are?
I remember the glory days when
M&S was the place for elegant style.
When Diane von Furstenberg
launched her iconic wrap dress, it
was sold in Harrods, Harvey Nichols,
Selfridges and other top stores.
M&S immediately produced
beautiful versions of the dress, fabric
and colours, which proved popular.
However, in recent years, fabrics
have become cheaper and the
patterns ugly, with vulgar, plunging
V-necklines. M&S used to be a bit
more expensive, but its well-tailored
suits and dresses were classy.
When I walk into M&S now, all I see
are racks of hideous, reduced-price
clothes. How I long for quality fabrics
in classic, but modern, styles.
Mrs B. G. DAY,
Bexhill-on-Sea, E. Sussex.
IT’S not just the ladies’ fashions.HAVE you lost a relative or
friend in recent months whose
life you’d like to celebrate? Our
column on Friday’s letters page
tells the stories of ordinary
people who lived extraordinary
lives. Email a 350-word tribute
to: [email protected] or
write to: Extraordinary Lives,
Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street,
London W8 5TT. Please include a
contact phone number.CELEBRATE LIFE
OF A LOVED ONE
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
about coke (Peterborough)
reminded me of a story told to
me many years ago by a
Norwich solicitor.
A client owned a grocery shop
in a terrace. Next door was a
shop that was heated by a
coke-fuelled boiler in its cellar.
It transpired that whenever
the fuel was delivered on a
wet day, it was heaped againstthe cellar’s party wall and
damp seeped through, ruining
the grocer’s dry goods. Since
no amicable solution could be
obtained, a solicitor’s letter
was called for.
When the secretary brought it
in for his signature, she
inquired with a puzzled look:
‘How does the Coke get out of
the cans?’
Ted Bailey, Dover, Kent.Follow-up
What they did with
the drunken sailor
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