August 12/19, 2019 The Nation.^5
If adults treat us rudely, we tell them to fuck off. But children need
and deserve our patience. Silly humor can help: “No problem. At the
game, I’ll use my invisibility superpower.” Keep showing up to her
events, and worry less about your feelings. After all, in general, it’s easier
being a white grown-up than a black middle-schooler.
Additionally, any middle school parent can attest that having your
presence demanded and then being treated as an embarrassment isn’t
unique to your situation. You’re being asked to perform an important
parental function: Show up and be ignored.Dear Liza,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two
years. I just finished as an undergrad, and she works
in a nursing home. I plan to go to grad school in envi-
ronmental humanities and become a professor because
I care about the environment and want to help address
climate change in some small way. I believe that this
is what I would be best at and most enjoy doing. My
girlfriend is not a very politically conscious person. This
doesn’t matter to me, because her actions and work speak for them-
selves. However, she has a difficult time understanding—and therefore
respecting—what I’m doing with my life. She has told me that she
doesn’t believe I share her goal of helping people and that if it were up to
her, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now.
I want to gain my girlfriend’s respect. I appreciate where she’s com-
ing from, and I agree that simply being an academic isn’t the most
effective way to help change society. What can I do to demonstrate thatAsking for
a Friend
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Dear Liza,
I’m a 35-year-old white woman working for an
arts and community nonprofit on the South Side
of Chicago. Last summer, while we were painting
a mural, a 12-year-old girl from the neighborhood
befriended me. Later she asked me to take her to a
high school open house when her parents were work-
ing and she needed a ride. Since then, I’ve been help-
ing her with homework and occasionally taking her
and her siblings to dance lessons. Her parents, who
work a lot, say they appreciate my help.
A couple of months ago, I went to her school’s tal-
ent show, and this is where race comes in. Out of 200
people in this space, I appeared to be the only white
person, which brought her obvious attention. She told
me after the fact that because of her light skin, people
thought I might be her mom.
Her worries about this have persisted. Last week
we went to get pizza, and she said she didn’t want
to go inside with me “because they might think you
are my mom.” She’s been asking me to go see her
play sports for months, so today I went to her game,
but she did not acknowledge me. (Again, I was the
only white person there.) When she called me after
the game, I mentioned her not speaking to me, and
she again said she didn’t want people to think I was
her mom.
I don’t know what to do. She is a bright, fun child
and seeks me out regularly. I enjoy hanging out
with her. Yet her embarrassment over my whiteness
makes me feel sad, conflicted, and ashamed. Should
I stop going to her events, even though I’m invited?
Should I ignore the fact that she ignores me? I don’t
want to be oversensitive, but I don’t know how to
navigate this. —Embarrassed Mentor
Dear Mentor,
T
he situation is awkward for you, Mentor,
but the feelings of this young person may be
healthy. Extensive research—according to a
2007 literature review by professors W. David Wake-
field of Cal State, Northridge, and Cynthia Hudley of
the University of California, Santa Barbara—shows
that developing a strong and positive racial identity
is crucial to the mental health of adolescents of color,
even helping to protect them from some of the trauma
inflicted by racism. For this girl, being viewed as
biracial—if she sees herself as black—complicates the
process of developing that identity.
Adulting While White
Questions?
Ask Liza at
TheNation
.com/article/
asking-for-a-
friend.
ILLUSTRATION BY JOANNA NEBORSKY
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