Viz – September 2019

5

I THINKif I were currently

running the world as a member

of aFreemasons, the Illuminati or the

Bilderberg group, I’d say I’d been off

sick since 2016, and blame everything

on one of the other lot.

Ben, Whitstable

5

VEGANStell us that cows are

one of the biggest threats to the

well-being of our planet. But if this is

true, surely it’s a good thing that I try

to eat as many of them as I can.

Dan, Deal

5

IFmusic be the food of love,

how come my wife lays on the

sofa listening to her iPod all day andI

still don’t get a shag?

Kirk Flatus, Filey

5

MANYpeople have a

stereotypical image of lady

vicars, thinking that behind their

mousey, demure image they are a

load of sexual deviants who are up

for anything.Well, as a lady vicar

myself, I can assure you that this

is not the case. And in order to

prove it, if anyone wishes to put

me across their knee and spank my

bare bottom with a hairbrush until it

turns purple, they will see that it will

do nothing for me. I’m free every

Sunday after evensong.

HarrietKempton-Park,

MerthyrTydfil

5

“YOUcan’t hurry love,” sang

Phil Collins. I can only assume

that he’s never hurriedly cracked one

out in the bathroom while his lass is

desperate and waiting outside likeI

just have.

TerenceTrent d’Arby, N Shields

5

MYcat was away at the vets for

two days last week, but my three

pet mice, if anything, were less playful

than usual during that time. Who

makes up these sayings?

Lee, Fleet

5

IT’Sgreat to see women’s

football growing and

developing, with higher attendances

and the Lionesses representing

England so well at international

tournaments. But until the female

supporters get violently engaged with

foreign police forces, throwing cafe

furniture about amid a fog of teargas,

the female game will never be taken

as seriously as the men’s.

Patrick D, Aghalee

5

LIKEmany Christian music

fans, I was dismayed when it

was claimed that David

Bowie was homosexual.

I immediately took my

collection of Bowie’s

records to the the

Cat’sProtection shop.

Subsequently, however,

it was revealed that he

was actually bisexual,

so I thought it was

reasonable to ask for

half of my records

back. However,

the staff in the

shop refused to

comply with my

request, so I took

great pleasure

in running a cat

over on my way

home.

Stew d’Prunes,

Orkney

5

I WONDERwhy you never see
fat whippets. All other dogs go
all lardy, but not whippets.

Tommy Lambrusco, Cardiff

*A very interesting observation, Mr
Lambrusco. If any of our readers are
vets, perhaps they could write in and tell
us why you never get fat whippets. Or
if you’ve seen a fat whippet, or perhaps
own one, why not write in and tell Mr
Lambrusco he’s talking bollocks.

5

ACCORDINGto reports,
we consume roughly a credit
card’s worth of plastic each week.
Well, I don’t eat any plastic, and
even if I did, what’s all the fuss
about? I remember aFrenchman
called Monsieur Mangetout eating
18 bicycles, 7 televisions anda
Cessna aeroplane, and he was
alright.

Damo, sunny Guernsey

5

THEYsay that each cigarette
you smoke takes five minutes
off your life. But if you would have
spent those five minutes smoking
anyway, it cancels itself out. So
if you can make your ciggies last
more than five minutes every time
you smoke one, you’re technically
prolonging your life. I think.

Ben Nunn, Caterham

5

I READrecently that a spy
satellite can zoom in ontoa
dustbin lid from thousands of miles
up in space. That’s pretty impressive,
but I think that local councils should
find better and less intrusive ways to
spend our hard-earned money.

Adrian Mewsworth, Deal

5

MY
to d
milk onT
Wednesda
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discovere
died. Stra
but I did n
think bein
milkman
a particul
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occupatio

Terr

Farrick

Black

POSTMEN.Avoid beingbitten

whilstdoingyour rounds by simply

lettingthe dogsniff your arsefirst

beforeopeningthe gate.

John Owens,Glasgow

CONVINCEfriendsand neighbours

that you’re middle class bysimply

holding dinnerparties that don’t end

up with a scrap in the front garden

and the Old Bill being called.

FrankPagga,Newcastle

OLDpeople.Complainhowhotit is

but do nottakeyour blazer off.

Jayne, Pissoff

TRICKyour friends into thinking

you’ve spent the day atMadame

Tussaud’s by having yourphoto

taken withBarackObama,Bruce

SpringsteenandTom Cruise.

J Dixon,London

SATNAVmanufacturers.

Programming your devicesto

issue“MakeaU-turn” instructions

in thevoice ofMargaretThatcher

will bringcheer tothemanyBritish

drivers who stillhatetheold hag.

T DCharles,Tur Lan ton

5

THEperson on the sun lounger

in front of me in Bulgaria has

an unfeasibly huge penis.

Geoff Greensmith,

Chod Bin UnderLyme

5

INreply to to Hector Crampons

(Letterbocks 287). Nobody

was terrified of waking the Kraken

in Greek mythology. The Kraken

is a legendary giant monster in

Scandinavian mythology, that preys

on unsuspecting sailors; very much

like your mother, who is both of

enormous size and can often be found

hanging around the back of Iceland,

swallowing semen.

Trim McKenna, Surbiton

*Oh, dear, he’s at it again. A perfectly

good letter pointing out a correction in

the comic is spoiled by Mr McKenna’s

infantile, and rather weak, insults

aimed at theViz staff’s mother,

much like he did in issue 284.We are

vehemently opposed to censorship, but

see no other alternative than to ban Mr

McKenna from the pages ofViz. And

um, who offered to do anal with

he Viz staff last night in return fora

ket of 10Woodbines.

WHENI was a boy, the

Visionhire man came to

ssess our telly and my dad asked

if he could watch the 2.30 at

pstow before he took it away. The

said of course, and they sat and

ched the race together. It’s that

of camaraderie that went missing

n the EU took over. Brexit will

us back to those good old days.

I don’t care how bendy my

anas are, as long as they’re good

-fashioned British bananas.

NigelFarrago, Northumberland

Continuedover...

Noughts&Crosses

Corner

OO

X

5

I WONDERif, in the pressure

cooker environment as the game

draws to a close, MrLawrence has

unwittingly revealed his true political

intent? In putting his nought in the

bottom centre, is he moving away

from his staunch left-flank ideology

towards a more balanced, central

perspective? Or maybe he is a true

leftie, and is merely reaching out in

an attempt to stay in touch with the

masses. Either way, it is interesting to

watch. Back to the game, I will place

my X in the top right corner.With 2

winning opportunities now for me and

only 1 for MrLawrence, it doesn’t

take a statistical genius to work out

who the likely winner is.

S Andrews, Bristol

5

I LOVEstrategy games

and this is up there with

the best. I haven’t felt this tense

since game 6 of the 1993 world

chess championships when Garry

Kasparov played that English geeky

kid, Nigel something.You know...

Nigel thingy...what’s his face. Oh

fuck, what is his surname? If anyone

can tell me, there’s a drink in it for

them when I see them next.

Adrian Lord, Barnsley

5

ONCEthe Andrews/

Lawrence match reaches its

climax, how about playing a celebrity

version?Former Scotland andLeeds

United front man Arthur Graham

could take onTimmy Mallett. Or

the one out of Ant & Dec that

isn’t pissed all the time versus

thundercuntPiers Morgan. Or even

a match from beyond the grave

with Keith Chegwin squaring up to

Jimmy Hill. Just like this feature, the

list is endless. Geoff Greensmith,

Chod Bin Le Hope

[email protected]