ᔤ
PEOPLEsay ‘Don’t shit on
your own doorstep.’ But after
11 pints and a rancid kebab last
night, I was too pissed tofi nd my
door keys and frankly, I’d like to
know what the alternative was.
Barry Arse, Swanseaᔤ
I CAN’Timagine why the
Liverpool players were given
a bus tour of the city having just won
the ChampionsLeague Trophy. They
must have already seen just about
every tourist sight Liverpool has to
offer by now.
David Bones, Ipswichᔤ
WHYdo tennis players luga
massive bag of stuff to the pitch
with them? Surely all they need isa
spare bat and a bottle of barley water.
So why do they turn up on court
looking as though they’re ready fora
fortnight in Skegness?
The Owl, Northfieldsᔤ
NOWthatKFChasintroduced
aveganburger,Iexpectit’ll
nowbecomethefastfoodoutletof
choiceforourhippyfriends.Ican’t
imaginethateventhemostcommitted
veganwouldletalittlethinglikethe
wholesaleslaughterofmillionsof
chickenskeepthemfromenjoyingthat
secretblendofherbsandspices.
Raymond Charterbury, Londonᔤ
I THINKthe human race
has enough music,fi lms and
TV programmes for the rest of
history. Can you guys please pass
the message on for people to stop
making stuff and do something else
instead?Perhaps they could breed
some sort of vegetable that will
power a motor vehicle, or inventa
poo that doesn’t need you to wipe
your backside and what-have-you.
Just a couple of ideas for starters.
Tim Buktu, Timbuktuᔤ
I THINKfood banks should
start behaving like real banks
and allow people to withdraw food at
night. SurelyATMs could be adapted
to dispense boiled ham or perhaps
Kraft Cheese Slices.
Barnabus Doolittle, Cromerᔤ
HENRYVIII said of Anne Of
Cleves “I like her not.” But
I disagree, certainly enough to rub
one out in the museum toilets after
I made an excuse to the tour guide.
How about a reader poll on which of
Henry VIII’s six wives you’d most like
to have a dirty one night stand with?
Chris P Bacon, Londonᔤ
HOWcome you never hear of
insomniacs counting sheep any
more? I suppose, with calculators
and what have you, the traditional
ways of dropping off asleep have
once again fallen by the wayside in
the name of so called “progress.”
Torbjorn Oaf, Edinburghᔤ
I DON’Tbelieve these experts
when they say that dogs have
a great sense of smell. If it were the
case, why do they need to get their
nose right up another dog’s backside
for a sniff? I can smell my dog’s farts
in the next room.
Richie B, Leicesterᔤ
THEYsay that the Arctic’s days
are numbered, but so what?I
mean, who wants to go paddling ina
freezing cold sea anyway? I went to
the seaside recently inWales and the
ocean was really warm and nice on
my toes. And I had some chips.You
wouldn’t get that at the NorthPole.
Richard Devereux, Herefordᔤ
WHILSTout walking with my
girlfriend at Flatford Mills,I
approached a swan to take a photo
and it hissed at me. Given that swans
are the property of Her Majesty the
Queen, you would have thought
it would have had better fucking
manners.
P. Turd, Ipswichᔤ
IFthey made motorbikes with
4 wheels instead of 2, they
wouldn’t wobble so much and there
might be fewer accidents.You could
also put proper chairs in between the
wheels for a far more comfortable
ride. It’s not rocket science.
Jack N’decker, Haspᔤ
I WASvery disappointed
by this year’s line-up at the
Glastonbury festival. I’m afraid that
over the years it’s become very safe
and boring. In my opinion, it needsa
stellar headline act next year to give
it the boost that will once again put
it up there as one of the best festivals
in the world.For me, the only man to
fi t the bill is ex-Leeds Utd front-man
Arthur Graham.
Bobby Bowels, MerthyrTydfilᔤ
THEYsay don’t store raw
meat next to cooked meat, but
apparently it’s perfectly
okay to keep
potatoes in the
cupboard next
to crisps. It’s just one rule
for vegetarians and another
for the rest of us normal
people.
Brian Saxby, Chicagoᔤ
WHYdo zoos
feed penguins
with justfi sh? They
must be pig sick of
eating the same food
every day. Come on,
British zookeepers,
give the little fellas
a treat - a bit of
steak perhaps,
or a lamb stew
followed bya
chocolate eclair.
Maybe take them
out in a minibus
for a curry on their
birthdays. I’m sure
they’d enjoy that.
Mrs Arscott, MerthyrTydfil...continued
OUTDOORswimming pools make
idealfish ponds for the other 350
days of the year
Mark Brook, DevonNEWmums. Babies are only
awake for 8 hours a day and,
assuming you sleep for 8 hours
a night, this leaves you with 8
hours spare to work a full time
job. Use the remaining 16 hours
at the weekend to give the house
a good clean.
Jason C, CambridgeWORRIEDabout plastic
contaminating the diets of marine
animals?Keep a tub offishflakes
in the bathroom to pour down the
toilet every time you take a piss or
a shit.
Jon Barnes, CoychurchLIVENup coming home late to the
missus by dabbing a bit of glitter on
your face.
Johnny Lad, StokeCHOOSEyour own weather by
turning the sound down during the
TV forecast and doing a voiceover
yourself with your favourite weather.
Stefan Badham, Hampshireᔤ
I’VEjust noticed that
everyone in opera is dead
good at singing.Yet when I
hear ordinary people on the bus
singing, they’re usually shit. Come
on opera producers, let’s have
a bit of social realism in your
performances and add in a few
people who can’t hold a tune.
D Cooper, Malta