ᔤ
TOOmuch information from
my local multiplex.
Barry Norman, Pinewoodᔤ
WHENI went on a school trip
to France, one of my friends
threw a letter in a bottle off the side
of the ferry. I know this wasfi fteen
years ago, but I’ve decided that ifI
were tofi nd it, I wouldn’t tell him.
Jayne, Pissoffᔤ
WHYdo birds of prey always
eat their dinner in the middle
of the road? Surely it would bea
lot safer up a tree or in a bush or
something like that.
Grant BWarner, New Zealandᔤ
I’VEjust noticed that the
‘&’ sign looks like someone
dragging their arse across thefl oor
like a dog with worms. Just thoughtI
would mention it.
RossKennett, Rochesterᔤ
YESTERDAYI was enjoying
readingVizon a sunny day in
the garden.Last night it rained and
my magazine is now sopping wet and
completely unreadable.Perhaps you
could consider printing a warning,
advising people that your magazine is
not waterproof.
Helen Shanahan, emailᔤ
I’Dlike to go up to thatRalph
Fiennes bloke and call him by
his name the way it is written -Ralph -
instead ofRaif like he says it. And if he
complained, I’d tell him to stop being
such a stupid, stuck-up, luvvie tosspot.
He’s a good actor and all that, but he
needs to be put in his place.
Paul Foy, Aberdeenᔤ
ILIVEin Yo rkshire, and my local
bus is the number 66. Imagine
my surprise at seeing the number 66 in
London this weekend. No wonder they
take so long to turn up.
David Craik, Hullᔤ
GIVENthat you repeatedly
print that picture of that bloke
kissing that bird’s arse, why not do
us culturedVizreaders a favour, and
reprint the picture of that statue of
a bloke getting bit on the arse off
of a lion from a few issues back?
Alternatively, you could pretend you
can’tfi nd it or have forgotten it, and
instead use this letter as a prompt
to reprint that picture of that bloke
kissing a bird’s arse regardless.
Nick, Brightonᔤ
HOWabout a picture of that
bloke kissing the arse of that
bloke in the statue of the bloke
getting bit on the arse off of a lion?
Cheadle Hulme, Thornabyᔤ
IFthere are any birds of prey
reading this, there’s an injured
seagull in my back garden which
would make an ideal snack.
Jonny Quail, Birkenhead-on-seaᔤ
IFBoris Johnson doesn’t
want his domestic arguments
being recorded and leaked to the
press, he needs to learn how to
do that ‘quiet shouting’ that
my wife does. I’ve had some
proper tellings off for
scratching my knackers
in church, perusing
50 Shades of Greyin
a library and ogling
other women at the
beach, and although
nobody hears it
but me, it definitely
gets the point across.
Especially when she does the
face that goes with it.
Alan Copperlead, Tinsfordᔤ
HOWcome you never see
shagging dogs stuck together
any more? My nan was forever
chucking buckets of water on them
and shouting “Get out you dirty little
bleeders.” Halcyon days indeed.
Blackjack the cat, Sheffieldᔤ
ICAN’Thelp but think that
guide dogs are only usinga
fraction of their ability. Couldn’t we
teach them to make a nice lasagne or
boil an egg as well?
Andy, Invernessᔤ
GIVENthat Jesus died for our
sins, couldn’t the church give
him a better title thanLord? Even
David Dickinson is nicknamed the
Duke. Surely the son of God deserves
an earldom at least?
Miss S E Hall, Jesmondᔤ
MYdad found this advert in
one of his old train magazines.
I wonder if they will still honour the
‘night out with’ prize, perhaps witha
more currentYe wtree suspect.
Jon Brignell, emailᔤ
“YOU’LLbe glad to see the
back of them,” goes the saying
about people we don’t like.Well, I
can’t stand my wife, but if anything,
the back view of her is worse than the
front.
Gustav Plamph, Larbertᔤ
THEYsay a good tip for losing
weight is to use a smaller plate
when eating. How on earth amI
going tofi t 4 sausages, 4 bacon, 3
eggs, 3 hash browns, 4 slices of toast,
black pudding, beans and tomato on
without spilling any?
Big John, Sheffieldᔤ
INthe late 70s my mother was
on her knees digging in the
garden when she lost her wedding
ring.Forty years later her son, (my
brother) was digging in the exact same
part of the garden when he dropped to
his knees and sharted in his shorts and
all down the back of his legs.
Coincidence?Perhaps,
perhaps not.
Chris Owen,
MaidstoneLAZYShoppers.Park closer to
the shopping centre by drilling a
33mm hole in your car wing and
attaching a 32mm stubflange
pipe-fitting from Jewsons. Then
park in the electric charging
stations and pretend to be
topping up yourVauxhall Nova
whilst browsing the shops.
Wing Cmdr Dickie Ducket,
email
ᔤ
IOFTENwonder if they
celebrateD-Day in Germany.
After all, they did take part and were
runners-up. As my old granddad
used to say, “There’s no shame in
coming second. It’s the taking part
that counts.”
Hector Cuticle, Buryᔤ
WHYdo charity appeals
always end with the line “every
penny helps”? Of course it doesn’t!
What the fuck can you buy witha
penny? Even Black Jacks andFruit
Salad chews are about ten pence
each these days.
Barnaby Fluglehorn,Kentᔤ
“YOUshould never smile ata
crocodile” the old song warns.
Well I smiled at one in theWelsh
Mountain Zoo in Colwyn Bay and
absolutely nothing happened. Once
again it’s health and safety gone mad.
Mark, Liverpoolᔤ
IT’S recently occurred to me
that nobody I’ve ever met has
ever actually seen a mole in real life.
Apparently they live underground, but
I’ve never heard anyone explain how
they can breathe down there. On top of
that, in every picture I’ve ever seen ofa
mole, they don’t seem to have a speck
of dirt on them. I reckon that moles are
just a rumour started by
someone who ownsa
trowel factory.
GustavFox,
HaggerstonUPTHE
ARSE
CORNER
Sender:
NTrellis,
N.WalesSender:Peter
Richardson,
Cheshire