I
T’Sa fact that, thanks to our changeable climate, we Brits simply aren’t used to
the sun. And in the summer months, when we jet off to hotter climes, we tend to
go mad and get ourselves fried to a crisp rather than elegantly tanned. But don’t
despair, because the holidayexperts at Viz are here to safely guide you through
the tanning minefield.Take our advice this Summer to make sure that you come
back from the Med nut brown rather than lobster pink.IDAYECIALSTARTgradually and allow your skin to
acclimatise to the sun’s heat a bit ata
time. On thefi rst day of
your holiday, paint
your entire body with Dulux
‘One Coat’ white emulsion
paint. On the second day,
dilute 9 parts paint with 1
part water, on the third day
8 parts paint to 2 parts
water and so on.Wash
the paint off at the end of
each day in the shower, or
if you’ve used an oil-based
paint, shower in turps. By
the end of the week, you’ll
be just like me – as brown asa
Chippendale wardrobe!ANOTHERgood way to avoid overdoing
it is to stay out of the sun between 12
and 2, when it is at its hottest. Why
not spend that spare couple of hours
looking round local antiques shops, which tend
to be cool, dark, fusty places?Yo u never know,
you might even spot a Bobby Dazzler of a bargain
while you’re browsing, which you can later sell at
auction. That way, your two hours avoiding the hot
n l tr rinDavid Dickinson’sHoliday Sun SafetyTips“GETTINGout in the sun these days is areal deal, and according to the
forecasters, this tan-tastic summer is set to be a properBobby Dazzler.
If you take note of my Holiday Sun SafetyTips, you’ll be as orange asa
fucking satsuma while staying assafe as chips!”
xx DaveWE ALL want that deep, sexy,
DonaldTrump-style suntan, but
it’s easy to overdo it and get sunburnt.
Find out exactly which state you’re in- tanned or burnt - by answering the
questions in this simple questionnaire
and totting up your score.
- How do you usually spend the
third day of your holiday?
a.Relaxing by the pool, making
sure to slap on plenty ofFactor
30 every hour or so.
b.Sitting on the beach with a big
hat on, a coat over your shoul-
ders and a towel covering your
shins and the tops of your feet. - You are sitting on the beach in
your trunks when a beachball kicked
by a nearby child bounces off your
shoulder. How do you respond?
a.You brush the sand off your
glossy, mahogany brown skin,
before returning to your Jackie
Collins novel.
b.You scream and vomit. - After a couple of hours sunbath-
ing at the side of the hotel pool, you
decide to go in for a cooling dip.
How do you enter the water?
a.Jumping from the top board, with
an elegant half-pike, somersault
and twist, entering the water like
an otter, with hardly any splash.
b.Taking twenty minutes to inch
nauseously down the steps with
your eyes screwed shut and your
teeth clenched, shaking like a
shitting whippet and wincing,
until you are fully submerged. - After spending the day sun-wor-
shipping by the sea, what do you do
in the evening?
a.You put on a white dress or shirt,
and go for a walk around the har-
bour before dinner in a taverna
followed by dancing the night
away at a disco in the old town.
b.You stand under a cold shower,
tingling from head to foot and
shivering like you’ve got malaria,
before going to bed and getting
bitten by mosquitos because it’s
agony to have the sheets over you.
Mainly ‘a’s
Wow, you’ve got a wonderful, healthy,
glowing. rich mahogany/walnut/teak tan!
Congratulations!
Mainly ‘b’s
Oh dear, you are horribly sunburnt.You’d
better start thinking about saying, “Phew!
Well, I reckon I’m about done. I’ll be going
in soon.”AREYOUTANNED ORSUNBURNT?How didYOU do?Dave’s Top Tanning Tips1Cheap aschips!DON’Tforget to keep
safe when you’re in
the sea.Yo u might
feel cool when you’re
bobbing about in the Med,
but you’re still under the sun’s
powerful rays, and the water may
have washed off your emulsion
paint sunscreen without you
realising. So whilst in the sea,
wear something protective to
keep your top half from burning–
perhaps a tacky pinstripe suit jacket
with wide lapels, or a colourful dress shirt with
cufflinks and a white collar.IF YOUaccidentally
overdo it, don’t
worry.Ta kea
tip fromFrench
polishers and restore your
tan. Gently rub after-sun lotion
into your burnt skin, making small circles
with a soft lint-free cloth until the deep grain
of your tan begins to emerge. After a couple of
hours’ work your skin will come up smashing, like
the hide on an antique Chesterfield!REMEMBER,it’s important to protect your
eyes from the sun’s rays. Get yourselfa
pair of good quality shades to keep the
harmful UV out of your peepers. And don’t
forget a chain to hang them round your
neck in case you need to take them off to look ina
shop window at an antique vase, or a pair of Rococo
fi gurines from the mid-to-late eighteenth century,
which are in good condition but show some signs of
past repair.2345