I
is forIMPERIAL LEATHER
BORIS’Sfavourite type of soap is
Cussons Imperial Leather. Indeed,
many of the new Prme Minister’s
favourite things begin with the letter
I. For example, he supports Ipswich
To wn football club, the IsuzuTr ooper
is his favourite car, and Iodine is his
favourite halogen in thePeriodic
Ta ble, after Chlorine, Fluorine
and Bromine.S
is forSANDWICHES
ASKthe new PM what his
favouritefl avour of sandwich
is and he’ll reply without hesitation- Cheese and Onion. However,
that’s because he’s a pathological
liar, and his actual favourite is ham
and mustard.
J
is for JUPITER
EVENthough it is the
Earth’s planetary next-
door-neighbour-but-one,
and has an approximate
diameter of 90,000 miles,
Boris Johnson appar-
ently has no plans to
visit Jupiter in the near
future.O
is for OCELOT
JOHNSONis
one of the only
To ry party leaders
to have been bitten
on the bollocks by an
ocelot. When he was
editor of theSpectator
magazine, Johnson toyed
with idea of setting up a fur
farm, and went on a fact-find-
ing mission to Whipsnade Zoo
to spend a day with the keepers to
see how difficult it would be to breed
and raise the valuable four-foot long
wildcats. Unfortunately
visit Johnson got a littl
to the dominant male o
pack, which attacked h
sank its razor-sharp th
fangs into Boris’s
refusing to relinq
vice-like grip until
thinking keeper kic
up the arse.H
is forHEADW
AS WELLas
being famous
for being a sex-craze
fucking liar, our new P
is perhaps best known
his trademark mop of c
tousled blonde hair. Thehe covers his trademark scarecrow
barnet is with a carefully chosen
eccentric bandana, or occasionally
a safety helmet if the solipsistic fat
cunt’s being winched along a zipwire
into an Olympic stadium.What’s in
aName?
B
is forBUSES
WHETHERit’s ordering 800 of
the wrong type or printing big
lies on the side of them, Johnson
has a decidedly chequered history
when it comes to buses. But until
recently, few people suspected that
the former London mayor’s favour-
ite hobby was making models of
London double deckers out of wine
boxes in his spare time. The head-
line-grabbing revelation
even came as a shock
to Johnson himself,
who seemed as surprised
as anyone when the words
came bumbling out of his
mouth during a leadership
election campaign interview
with Capital Radio.O
is forOSTRICHES
ALONGwith Spencer
Percival, Earl Grey and
Edward Heath, Johnson is
one of a very small and
select band of British
Prime Ministers who
have been pecked
on the bellend by an
ostrich. During his
tenure as Mayor of
London, Johnson
toyed with the ideaof setting up an ostrich farm in the run-
down Docklands area. However, ona
fact-finding mission to Eden Ostrich
World in the Lake District, he acciden-
tally strayed between a mother bird
and her eggs, and was attacked. The
enraged eight-foot bird nipped John-
son’s bobby’s helmet in its beak and
had to be kicked up the arse before it
would release its vice-like grip.R
is forROLF HARRIS
AS Achild, Johnson was
very keen to learn to play the
wobble-board, and even went so
far as to take private lessons with
later-to-be-disgraced multi-talentless
Australian entertainer Rolf Harris.
However, after 6 years of weekly
lessons, and countless hours of
practice, Johnson was still
unable to make his board
produce a wobble noise,
so he gave up.H
E’S THE POLITICAL
blonde bombshell who - if
the polls are to be believed- will have taken up residence
in 10 Downing Street by the
time this magazine hits the
newsstands. Unless it’s Jer-
emy Hunt. He’s overweight,
tousle-haired, dishonest, adul-
terous former London mayor
BORISJOHNSON, and loathe him
or hate him, he’s now made his
way to the country’s top job and will
shortly be crashing us disastrously
out of the European Union in his
loveably roguish trademark
style. But how much do
we really know about this
clownish, adultery-crazed
old-Etonion who has now
risen to the highest office
in the land? Unless it’s
Jeremy Hunt. As usual,
the truth is hidden in plain
sight - in the letters of
the Uxbridge and South
Ruislip MP’s name.
~
BorisJohnson