Viz – September 2019

Well enough is enough. What’s

sauce for the goose should be

sauce for the gander. It’s time to

fi nally put these shameful offences

up before the beak so that justice

can not only be done, but can be

seen to be done.

We’ve asked impartial man-

of-the-people RICHARD

LITTLEJOHNto pick up his

gavel and don his judge’s robe

and wig to belatedly re-try these

sordid cases, before doling

out imaginary punishments

to a shamefaced parade of

shameless junkie politicians of

shame who have admitted their

guilt to a shocking roll call of

shameful drug offences.

Justforfun~ POLITI

EXCLUSIVE!

with Celebrity Judge

His Honour

Mr Justice

Richard

Littlejohn

“MR GOVE,many people would

say that as a Home Secretary

who called for the immediate

sacking of teachers found guilty

of even minor drug offences,

your own history of repeated

cocaine abuse is evidence of –

at the very least – disgustingly

rank hypocrisy. However, in my

opinion, a few lapses in your

youth and early middle age

should not damn you forever.

I believe that your unfortunate

history as an innocent victim of

your own cocaine addiction has

given you a rare and valuable

insight into the difficult problem

of narcotics abuse, allowing you

to draw up a raft of draconian

measures to prevent others from

following you down the same

path of suffering.Yo ur decision

to speak out when threatened

with a tawdry tabloid newspaper

expose of your chequered,

drug-addled past shows an

impressive strength of character

that is far too lacking in many

of today’s ‘squeaky clean’

politicians.”

“ R V l v th

Defendant: Michael Gove

Party:Conservatives

Admitted Offence:Repeated

cocaineabuse whilstworking as

a journalist twentyyearsago.

Defendant:BorisJohnson

Party:Conservatives

Admitted Offence:Snorting

cocaine whilst a student at

Oxford University

Defendant:Rory Stewart

Party:Conservatives

Admitted Offence:Smoked

opium whilst on a walking

tour of Iranfi fteenyearsago.

“MR STEWART,ordinarily, I

would take a very dim view of a

sordid offence such as the one

you have admitted. However,

on this occasion, I think you

should d d for your

refresh

to this

com

much

than

poor

ways, your ‘When

in Rome’ attitude displays

a refreshing and admirable

willingness to experience

other cultures that should be

applauded.”

my

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SUMMING UP

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SENTENCE

“THE IMAGEof a bow-tied

Old Etonian toff embarking on

a Bullingdon Club rampage of

vandalism through the dreaming-

spired quads of Oxford University

whilst ripped to the man-tits on

California Cornflakes is not one

that necessarily sits well with

Britain’s hard-working lower

classes. Indeed, some might

even maintain that your admitted

history of Class-A drug abuse

should even preclude you from

ever holding any position of power

o

re

to

marching

powder did nothing for you, is one

that almost certainly will have put

many less expensively-educated

people off trying the drug

themselves.Yo u tried it so they

didn’t have to, and that is greatly

to your credit.”

“MR JOHNSON,were it within

my powers to award you a

medal for your part in the

war against drugs, I would

do so. Sadly, however, that is

not within m ift ut ou

HIGH COURT OF

W

E were all SHOCKED by the recent round of

drug confessions from a shameful roll-call of

Prime Ministerial candidates. But whilst ordinary

members of the public routinely fi nd themselves heavily

fi ned or even thrown behind bars for similar offences, a

disgraceful gaggle of Number 10 hopefuls seemed to get

offscot-freeaftertheirpastnarcoticsecretswereexposed.

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SUMMING UP

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SENTENCE

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SUMMING UP

JUDGE

LITTLEJOHN’s

SENTENCE